I am SO gonna miss this show. Kim, thanks for the good times.
Now for the great quotes from this episode:
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Heather: I’m not a playwright; I’m a playwrote. . . . You know how many eating disorders you left in your [head cheerleader] wake? . . . I love you but, as a leader, you were a manipulative tyrant.
Amanda: . . . My way to publicly wipe my karma slate clean.
Heather: Write a check. It’s so much easier.
Carlene: Oh, silly Cricket. You know I don’t audition. I’m always just given the lead. It’s tradition.
Cricket: . . . Just like death and taxes. . . . Nothing could ever change how I feel about you.
[The “Let It Shine” scene with Cricket and Carlene dueling for the role of Holy Spirit is wonderful to hear and watch. Two over-the-top and funny touches is Bozeman’s yawn from his seat in the audience and Carlene’s pop gun filled with confetti. Too cute!]
Cricket (to Blake): I will not play a supporting role to that squeaky little housewife [Carlene].
[Love the “Texas Excess” TV shopping channel! What a hoot!]
Gigi (as image consultant to Sharon): That outfit you’ve got on, looks like Tinkerbelle threw up on it.
Pastor Steve [to Pastor Tudor, Heather and Amanda]: But, hey, less is more . . . sometimes.
Heather [to Amanda]: You’re looking at your clean-slate-karma-coming-out party.
Cricket (to Amanda): [niceties, then] Damn it, what do you want? . . . Since I have been up, I have fired my West Coast legal team, bought a small mining village in Ghana, and rehired my West Coast legal team. Do you really think I have time for a silly play?
Amanda: . . . I am not a dream crusher. I am a dream maker.
[If you want to be ROTFL, take in this whole scene with Gigi, in wide-eyed horror, watching Sharon as she previews her Texas Excess selling pitch for Losing It With Jesus. HILARIOUS! Sharon’s just great. Her lower-octave voice comes out like a man’s. Ha! Those awkward hand moves of hers are crack-you-up funny! Watch and laugh.]
Gigi: Never say y’all.
Gigi: . . . Losing twelve pounds is a stomach virus. Losing sixty . . . is sexy.
[The musical rehearsals are fun. Who knew Blake was so muscular all over, and can sing and dance?]
Pastor Tudor [to Amanda]: My mom’s the biggest Fanilow there is. Took me to every concert in the Southwest.
Carlene: . . . . Burned her thumbs, poor thing [Carmelita]. But happy to do it for one of the Holy Trinity.
[Carlene is so great in her Holy Spirit costume, bouncing along with her wings. Just really great acting. Fully engaged.]
Carlene: You cut me from the cheer squad because I had bad skin; now you’re making me play the leper?
Amanda: Oh. Oh, how did I miss the symmetry of that?
[I love, love, love Carlene’s hot-pink-and-black dress topped off by the black hat, complete with black netting and hot-pink flowers. Beautiful!]
Technician: This is specially calibrated to your body weight. You can’t gain an ounce before opening night.
Cricket: I’m on Day Four of an ice-cube-and-bamboo cleanse. Not a problem.
[Sharon on Texas Excess is so great, in an awful sort of way. Watch and enjoy.]
Gigi: Go to your talking points, the Middle Eastern origin of your diet, why the pomegranate may have been the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden and the antioxidant power of manna.
Sharon: That’s an awful lot to remember
Cricket: I’m not surprised. Poor Heather, always handing out her muffin to anyone with butter.
Amanda: . . . but you people have brought your own crazy to the party.
Pastor Tudor: Not if it’s the way you feel. . . . Clearly you hurt people, Amanda, and that hurts you. Deeply. . . . Destroyed? I’m afraid those three [Cricket, Carlene and Heather] are tough enough to survive the apocalypse. . . . You can’t control when someone forgives you. You can only forgive yourself. Be patient and hope they come around. Old wounds are hard to heal.
Gigi [to Sharon]: Your best quality is something that I could never give you. Your heart. You just go out there and you be yourself.
Carlene: The Neiman’s secret warehouse sale is by invite only.
[Watch the trio when startled, come to their own defense: Heather pulls out her pepper spray, Cricket strikes a tae kwon do pose, and Carlene puts a whistle on her key chain in her mouth.]
Carlene: We’ve been hoodwinked.
Cricket: By a delusional woman who thinks she can still fit into her old cheerleader uniform.
Amanda: Um, excuse me. I totally can, but that’s beside the point.
[The mud fight between the girls, Amanda, Carlene, Cricket and Heather, is truly rejuvenating. Emotionally. WONDERFUL music clip here.]
Amanda: . . . An eye for an eye.
Carlene: Not our testament. We turn the other cheek.
Amanda: [taunting Carlene]
[Mud fight ensues.]
Cricket: . . . I never liked this dress. . . . [Makes up with Carlene.] Don’t you make me cry in this parking lot.
Heather: [standing up for herself with Carlene, and yet making up, about to get a hug from muddy Carlene.] No. You’re gross.
Carlene: . . . I have Wet Ones.
Heather: I think I’m gonna call a cab.
Ripp [to the four ladies, freshly cleaned up from their recent mud fight]: You will behave like decent, honorable Christian women. Got it? . . . Verbal confirmation is necessary.
[The “Jesus is Just Alright” song and dance is great—right up until Carlene pops through a stained-glass window. But she finishes the song!]
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Denise Barker, author + freelance copy editor
Good Ole Boys, a love story
A Copyediting Checklist for Novelists