The theme song and the music tracks are wonderfully apropos. Truly well matched.
Now for my favorite lines from Episode Seven:
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Drunk: Twin Peaks is giving us attitude.
Amanda [yanking down the big drunk]: Her name is Sapphire. What she’ll give you is your check. Good night.
Drunk: You ain’t getting no tip.
Amanda: Oh, honey. Your butt headed out the door is gratuity enough.
Ripp: Way to take ‘em down, Amanda.
Amanda: Well, every now and then, you gotta bust some balls. . . .
Pastor Tudor: . . . Jesus threw out thieves and robbers. Sometimes you gotta cleanse the temple.
Ripp: If you’ll excuse me. I gotta see a man about a horse.
Amanda: Well, you know where it is.
Ripp: No, I mean, I gotta talk to Bubba Richardson about buying his horse.
[Luke with Amanda on his couch, kissing.]
Carlene: Hey, hey, hey. I’ve been noticing how dark it is down here in the guest house and I’ve been meaning to bring this lamp so you can have more light for reading and . . . well-lit activities.
Luke: Sis, got company.
Carlene: I know that, silly. My security cameras don’t miss a thing. Got to watch out for unwelcome intruders. Barn door’s open.
Amanda: Okay, to be continued. Carlene, as always.
Carlene: Oh, was I . . . did y’all . . . ?
Blake [during interview of potential surrogate mother]: We are not infertile.
Cricket: I am just not in a position to give up alcohol, sushi or grabbing Stimulus Dollars for nine months. You’ve got to be on your toes for that one. . . .
Blake: We might have to go outside Texas.
Cricket: No. We agreed we would not lower our standards.
[This scene with Sharon and Zach in the kitchen is so cute. Sharon’s lost weight and can’t get his attention to look at her no matter what she does.]
Zach: Did you know that Blake only eats egg whites ever?
Sharon: Oh poor Cricket. All those yolks gone to waste. . . . Zach Peacham, you notice my jeans right now. . . . I haven’t been able to fit into these bad girls for five years. And I owe it all to the Holy Word. . . . Fish, lemon grilled. Only breakfast food mentioned in the scriptures. . . . This book, Foods of the Bible. The Holy Land was filled with high fiber and low carb, but you have to be careful of New Testament entrees. They break a lot of bread. . . .
Zach: What did they eat for dessert?
Amanda: Nothing good. So what I’ve done is I’ve put a sweet Bible verse in each basket. Gen. 9:3. Every moving thing that liveth shall be food for you.
Amanda: Hey, I worked Boobylicious after the Texas-OU game. Nothing scares me.
Pastor Tudor: I served eighteen months in Iraq. Some of the ladies around here do. [In walks in Sharon, Cricket and Carlene.]
Carlene: Amanda, Amanda, Amanda. I just keep walking in on you in the most unnatural situations.
Cricket: Getting pregnant would be part of the [unwed mothers’] program.
Amanda: That makes no sense, Cricket.
Cricket: It makes sense to Blake and me and we’re writing the check.
Amanda: Carlene, you know how many laws you’d be breaking selling apartments only to Christians?
Carlene: Not in Mexico. Stay in your lane, sweetie.
Pastor Tudor [his sermon for the adults-only congregation]: . . . This message is adults only. . . . Sex . . . is . . . divine. . . . Sex is a gift from God. He created it to strengthen the union between two people who love each other. To increase their intimacy. Improve their communication. . . . Are we making the best use of God’s gift? . . . For all you committed couples out there. Everyone here is an adult. You can determine if this exercise is for you. Here’s my assignment. From today ‘til next Sunday, I’m challenging you all to have sex with your partner once a day, every single day. Touch each other. Look into each other’s eyes, souls. Truly share one another and let’s see what happens. [And can I have an Amen here!]
Luke [to Amanda]: Slow down there, land speed.
Blake: I realized there is only one woman that’s good enough to carry our progeny.
Cricket: Taylor Swift is not from Texas.
Blake: . . . Why outsource when we can go in-house?
Laura Vaughn: I don’t know why everybody’s weirding out. Who cares how many times married people do it?
Landry Cockburn: Well, is it just old people?
Burl: You don’t think the leather floors are too much?
Gigi: For a man with stingray hide on the walls of his yacht?
Burl: Heather’s right. When you find what you want, you have got to jump. [on his knee now]
Gigi: Jumping’s the other way. You’ve dropped down.
Burl: Marry me, Gigi.
Zach [to Sharon in bed]: Well, uh, sometimes when, when things are slow at work, I . . . watch movies that are . . . kinda dull. Things have been really slow lately.
[This next scene with Blake and Cricket in the bedroom about to make their own baby, with the lyrics “Hey, babe, what you say? Let’s go down and roll in the hay” singing in the background is funny! Like a couple on a first date, instead of married for years. Role reversal in play. Great communication. Lots of giggling from both parties.]
Cricket: You know, this sports metaphor is kinda doing it for me. You want to kick off or should I?
Blake: . . . There ain’t going to be any dancing in the end zone tonight.
Amanda: Burl proposed? What did you say?
Gigi: I said get up off your knee before you hurt yourself. Then I said I’d have to think about it. [Hands Amanda an alcoholic drink.]
Amanda [setting aside the alcohol with a frown]: Oh, Mama. Burl is crazy about you. And you are crazy about him. Why didn’t you just say yes?
Gigi: I have been not married as long as I was married. I like not married just fine. I’m not going to rush into anything again just because some man hands me something sparkly.
Amanda: Okay. Well, maybe it is a little fast. But you two both love each other. Why do you have to beat around the bush?
Gigi: I just don’t like feeling pressured to make big decisions. I don’t even buy a car without a test drive. Especially a stick shift.
Gigi: What? It’s an important part of any relationship. I’m just taking my cues from the pastor. You can thank him tomorrow for inspiring me.
[Watch Zach and Sharon’s facial expressions during this scene.]
Zach: Do you think I’m fat? . . . It’s weird. I keep wanting to talk after sex. It’s like I’m turning into a . . . woman.
Sharon: No. It’s beautiful.
[Leave it to Carlene . . . ]
Landry: As a Purity Pioneer, I make a commitment to God [while leering at Amanda’s breasts], to myself, to my family, to my friends . . .
Alexandra: To my future mate and my future children, to a lifetime of purity [as she gazes lustfully at Bozeman].
Bozeman: I will refrain from fantasizing, talking about or having sexual intercourse [looking upon smiling Alexandra] from this day on until the day I marry.
McKinney: Or a thousand years from now, whichever comes first.
Amanda [to Carlene]: Seriously? A thousand years?
Carlene: Science is very advanced these days. If you believe in that kind of thing.
Amanda: . . . I don’t hate purity. . . . You’ll have to pretend sex doesn’t exist somewhere else.
[I love this next scene with Sharon and Zach re-enacting parts from a porn movie with Sharon as an archaeologist. Sharon is one great comedian. And using Zach’s postcoital openness to ask for an outdoor pizza oven backfires on her here.]
Cricket: Let’s take these babies and make us some babies. . . . .[After taking an expensive herbal mixture meant to increase libido, but instead they keep sweating, can’t get comfortable]. . . . If this is what it takes for pandas to hump, no wonder they are almost extinct. . . . . I do NOT feel sexy.
[Gigi in a negligee is “beautiful” like Burl says.]
Gigi: . . . And never say the word grandkids to a welcoming woman in a negligee. . . .
Burl: . . . I believe what we could have . . . belongs in a marriage. . . .
Gigi: And I think you should get up here right now before I change my mind. What’s the worst thing that could happen? [Burl collapses and is taken to the hospital in an ambulance.]
Amanda [to Laura]: I don’t mind abstinence. It just has to go hand-in-hand with education. Carlene’s organization isn’t interested in that.
Burl: I had a glitch in my pacemaker. The doctors give it a twist or a jolt, or whatever they do, and I’m fine. . . . It’s a pity yes. . . . Just the other day it was: I need more time. You know when I say that, Gigi? During business negotiations, when I have respect for my opponent but not the deal. Means no. . . . . You’re here worried about my heart and you don’t even know your own. The proposal’s off the table.
Gigi: . . . But there’s only one me.
Amanda: Let me get this straight. You are trying to scare our children into being celibate? . . . Carlene, all you’re doing here is demonizing sex. Making it out to be something horrible. And dirty. Why can’t we just be honest with them about how to prevent these things?
Carlene: Oh, Amanda, sweet Amanda. This is America. Fear works better.
[Excellent church scene where Amanda and Carlene discuss their kids making out and Carlene confesses her sins.]
Amanda: I’m so sick of you saying I’m a fallen woman. Do you want to know what? I’ve only had sex with one man, my husband, Bill.
Carlene: . . . I guess I misjudged you. Maybe it’s the way you dress.
Burl: You think I go running around willy-nilly asking women to marry me? Hmm? It’s not something I take lightly. . . .
Gigi: I love ya. . . . So here’s how it’s gonna work. At your discretion, you are going to ask me to marry you, again. This time I will say yes, without hesitation and not out of pity, because I know a perfect thing when I see it.
Burl: Fine. I returned the ring.
Gigi: Fine. We’ll go up a carat. [Both laughing.] Now how about that hanky-panky?
Burl: You’re on.
[Oooh, Kristin Chenoweth as Carlene should get an Emmy for her sex talk with Laura Vaughn. That little bodily movement she added to the tale about the parking lot of the Burger Shack is so . . . vivid! Of course, Amanda cannot have a sex talk with Landry Cockburn without a shotgun in hand seated among other firearms in her father’s gun room, right? This IS Texas.]
[Then what better to follow than . . . ]
Blake [to Cricket in bed]: I . . . am . . . Spartacus.
Zach: . . . And the raisin loaf is actually a satisfying dessert.
Sharon: It’s what Abigail gave to David to appease his anger.
Luke [meeting Amanda at the Ritz]: We can wait as long as you want. Look, if all we do tonight is wear those comfy robes, order room service and watch pay-per-view, it’s fine with me. You’re worth the wait.
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I’ll be posting soon more great one-liners from the remaining GCB Season One episodes.
Author of Good Ole Boys, a love story
Freelance Copy Editor
Freelance Copy Editor