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Friday, April 20, 2012

GCB Quotes from Episode Four, "A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing"

I wish I could have written this wonderful dramedy that the TV series is based on.  Even better, that I had Kim Gatlin’s sense of humor.  I bet she had lots of fun writing her book.  I'm going to keep that in mind as I write my next one.  Regardless, I can relax and soak up each show. 

I hope you have enjoyed my previous posts gathering quotes from each of the GCB episodes.  Here’s my collection of favorites from Season 1, Episode 4, entitled “A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.”

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Amanda:  Hi, so sorry I’m late.
Gigi:  This is what you’re wearing?  Slacks?  To church?
Amanda:  Seriously, I think God just wants us to show up.  I don’t think He minds what we wear.
Gigi:  Well, that’s fine.  Unless you mind everybody else thinking you’re a lesbian.
Amanda:  I wore pants because I tripped over a keg in the ladies’ room at Boobylicious and I bruised my shin on a toilet.
Gigi:  What a pretty story. . . .  Open-toed shoes?  Oh my God, no.  We’re going in the side door.

Landry:  Check out the caboose on Laura Vaughn’s mama.
Carlene:  Landry, watch the locker-room language, please.  A bunular display like that is precisely why a lady never wears pants in church.

Gigi:  That is Carlene’s Uncle Burl.  . . . . He’s one of the finest, kindest people you’d ever hope to meet.  His wife, Bitsy, is not.
Burl:  Gigi, come over here and break my neck.
Gigi:  Oh, Burl. Welcome back!  Dallas hasn’t been the same without you.  [pause]  You either, Bitsy.

Amanda:  I didn’t realize I broke a commandment.  Thou shall not wear slacks to church.
Blake:  Ooh, yeah.  Traditional dies hard around here.
Amanda: You know, I consider myself a strong, very secure, independent woman, fierce even.  So why can a little bit of criticism from my mother still slam me so hard?
Blake:  Because she matters.  And deep down, you care.

Blake:  Hey.  Get back here.  Come on.  Girl, ain’t nobody drives a pair of pants like you do.

Amanda:  It’s harder for a woman to find the right pair of jeans than it is to find the right man.

Pastor Tudor:  Zach, [for the next week] you look after McKinney.  You’re in charge of the house, the cooking and the cleaning.
Zach:  Well, how do I know what to tell the maid to do?  I don’t even know her last name.

Carlene:  Ooh, denim.  That probably does work good for you.
Amanda:  Why are you here?  I mean, hi.
Carlene:  Ripp was insisting that we bury the hatchet and he’s always right.  So I thought I’d bring Chardonnay and a heartful of Love Thy Neighbor.
Amanda:  Why can no one remember that I don’t drink anymore?
Carlene:  Oh, Amanda, Amanda.  I never forget you’re an alcoholic.  Chardonnay’s my nail girl. . . . I am giving you the gift of a pedicure.  After I saw your feet Sunday, I wanted you to be able to wear open-toed shoes with confidence.

Sharon:  Oh, that’s from that big ole Swedish furniture store.  You know, for years I thought that was an airplane hangar.

Blake:  Oh man, setting up a photo shoot and booking all those models last-minute, that’s gonna be tough.
Amanda:  Why?  Dallas is full of models.
Blake:  Yeah, but this job, it’s butt specific.
Amanda:  I got this.  [Dialing her phone.]  Topaz, it’s Amanda.  What are you and the other B-girls doing tonight?  I need some ass.

NOTE:  The whole “dueling” (but wordless) confrontation between Carlene—snooping for financial info for her husband in Gigi’s house—and Gigi, catching her at it, is great.  Watch and smile.

Amanda:  Hey, Blake.  You know you’re one of my only friends here in Dallas, right?  So you don’t have to explain anything to me.  I don’t judge.

Gigi [to Burl]:  No, no.  No.  I’ve been through too much to cry.  My husband’s death.  Family trauma.  Democratic administrations.

Burl:  That’s why I’m asking you . . . .to keep the peace.  For me.
Gigi:  Well I must adore you.  Because the very Lord Himself would not ask this of me.

Carlene:  Now you are talking about breaking Number Eight.
Ripp:  It’s not stealing.  It’s borrowing.

[“Sometimes It Takes Balls to be a Woman” playing in background as Sharon puts together a shelving unit for Pastor Tudor.  Her victory dance is so cute.  Jennifer Aspen is a wonderful actress, getting across the gist of the scene with a look, a pose.  Priceless scene!]

[Photo shoot leaked to Christian website; flak ensues]
Amanda:  Seriously?  They think when we say [Westward] Ho, we mean . . .
Blake:  Hooker, harlot, trollop, wench, tart, floosy . . .
Cricket:   Whore.
Attorney:  This particular photo seems to be the flashpoint.
Cricket:  Well.  Anyone attending church last Sunday could certainly pin the tail on that donkey.
Amanda:  As God is my witness, I’ll never wear pants to church again.
Cricket:  What seems to have caused Booty-gate were posts from a Lord Lover 87 on some religious watchdog blogs known for targeting brands they deem not family friendly.  After that, it just took off.  Spreading like kudzu across the faith-based websites.

Blake [to Amanda, trying to locate person behind Lord Lover 87]:  You make me want to slap my mama.

Burl:  Oh, come on, roll with it, Gigi.  Two Bushes are always better than one.  [Re the costume party Gigi is to host and Bitsy coming as Barbara Bush and asking Gigi to come as Laura Bush.]

Gigi:  Who is that tacky enough to honk out there?
Carlene:  Yes.  I think part of my costume just arrived.  Gigi, be a love, help me feed it.  
Gigi:  Feed it?

Carlene [to Gigi]:  When it comes to theme parties, I go big or I go home.
[This whole watering and feeding the horse (Buttermilk to Carlene’s Dale Evans’ costume) is great and funny.]
Carlene:  I’m actually glad you’re giving the party.  I can tell how much it means to Uncle Burl.

Gigi:  Go back in, you old coot.
Burl:  I thought I’d warned you about tears.
Gigi:  Well, you’ll just have to forgive me.  Just the thought of you dying has put a little crimp in my day.

Bitsy:  I’ve just got such a migraine.
Burl: I better take her home.  They turn her into the wicked witch.
Gigi:  Could I offer an aspirin?  Or a broom?

[Carlene steading Amanda’s computer (between her legs no less, under her dress) and “walking” out of Gigi’s house is LOL funny!]

[Chenoweth is a great physical comedian.  Catching her son on the couch “entertaining” himself with Amanda’s Westward Ho “butt” photo is great.]

Blake:  Daddy Bo’s calling.
Amanda:  What does that mean?
Blake:  Trouble.

Cricket [to her dad on the phone]:  Well, if a son wouldn’t let this happen, I wish you could’ve had one.

Carlene:  God does not want me looking in on just anybody.  Least of all, Amanda Vaughn.
Ripp:  Oh, kitten.  I am your husband.
Carlene:  Yes.  [Stepping onto coffee table to be at eye level with hubby.] There’s one Man who’s orders come before yours.  And I’m gonna talk to Him right now.
Ripp: [wagging figure at wife]
Carlene:  [wagging her finger back at him.]  Excuse me.

Zach (to Sharon in her costume for tonight’s welcome home party for Burl, and Bitsy, over at Gigi’s):  Wow, you are so totally Anna Nicole Smith.

[BTW, Amanda makes a good Farrah Fawcett at the costume party--in her red one-piece bathing suit from the famous poster.]

Amanda [to Andrew for tracing Lord Lover 87 to an unlisted phone number]:  This is so much better than earrings [which he just gave to Heather]. 

[Amanda calls the unlisted number and it rings.  In Gigi’s house.  And Cricket answers.]

Carlene (praying to God in Gigi’s house at the party):  How can I honor my husband when what he wants me to do is wrong?

Carlene:  Bill’s funeral, was it open casket? How did he look?  Did he look like himself?
Amanda:  Yes.  Why, Carlene?
Carlene:  I’m just curious.  I’m always looking for ways to be more lifelike.

Gigi (to Bitsy):  Laura Bush was a librarian.

Gigi:  You know Burl’s not up to a trip like that.  Would you have him die away from home?
Bitsy:  No.  Away from you, my dear. . . . Obviously, you are number one on his bucket list.

Ripp:  Kitten, I would hate for you to think of me as a villain.
Carlene:  Oh, honey, I don’t.  We can’t forget that staying on the path is sometimes better than a short cut.

[Carlene just found out her Uncle Burl sold their joint property to Andrew—even though she wanted it for Condos for Christian Living.  With Heather getting a “nice little” commission.  And earrings.]
Heather:  I love your Dale Evans.  And the horse you rode in on.
Carlene:  And I love your Selena.  Someone shot her, right? [Walks off.]
Andrew:  She seems nice.

Amanda:  Who the heck are you?
Gigi:  My favorite Texan [the theme for her party].  Me!  [Laughing.] I love Laura Bush but her getup was depressing me.
Amanda:  What would you say if I told you that the whole time Cricket was rallying around my idea she was secretly behind all the protests at Westward Ho?  She wanted to keep me from working with Blake so bad she was willing to fall on her own corporate sword.  Even worse, disappoint her father.
Gigi:  Well, on the one hand, I’d say it’s psychotic.  [Smiling to Bitsy as she passes.]  On the other, I’d say it’s not the craziest thing a jealous woman ever did.
Amanda:  Mama, can you keep a secret?
Gigi:  [Eyebrows raised, moves in closer to Amanda]
Amanda:  Blake and Cricket don’t have a traditional marriage.  She wouldn’t be jealous of another woman.  Trust me.
Gigi:  Oh.  So they do have a white marriage.  I’d always wondered.
Amanda:  What’s a white marriage?
Gigi:  It’s when the husband and wife keep their boots on the opposite side of the bed.  If you know what I mean.
Amanda:  Well, if that’s Cricket and Blake’s arrangement, why does she care about me?
Gigi:  Because, their relationship is based on a deep friendship.  From Cricket’s point of view, you are threatening to her.  Trust me.  I know.
Amanda:  What’s going on with you and Bitsy?  I thought you two were playing nice.
Gigi:  Well, I tried.  Till she got the impression that I was moving in on Burl.  [Bitsy in background choking on BBQ rib.]  She’s taking him away from Dallas, you know.  Trying to get him away from my clutches.
Amanda:  I thought you said he wasn’t well enough to travel.  Mama, what are you gonna do?
Gigi:  I don’t know.  I’m in the same spot as you.  He’s not my husband.  [Bitsy still choking in the background.]  You know sometimes the best thing you can do is just say a prayer and step away.
Amanda:  Damn, that Bitsy Lourd is evil.
Gigi: There’s a special place for a woman like that.
[Bitsy falls over dead in Gigi’s dining room.]

Zach:  What happened to your Anna Nicole costume?
Sharon:  Well, that was your idea for my costume, but I had a different one.
Zach:  So now you’re some pink lady?
Sharon:  I’m not just some pink lady.  Mary Kay.
Zach:  The porn star?  She’s not from Texas.
Sharon:  Mary Kay Ash.  The founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics.  A strong and independent Texas woman.

Cricket:  Bitsy dear.  [pause]  Oh dear.

* * *

I’ll be getting more together soon.  Enjoy!

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