I love this show and watch it repeatedly courtesy of Hulu.com. Therefore, I have a good chance to write down funny lines, or even wise ones, from each airing.
Here’s the batch from the GCB Episode Three called “Love is Patient.”
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Ripp: I don’t get it. This [impotency] never happened to me before. Except for this morning and last night and lunchtime yesterday.
Carlene: It’s fine, Ripp. I’m not in the mood anyways.
Ripp: I know you, Carlene. If you’re awake, you’re in the mood. Heck, you’re in the mood if you’re sound asleep.
Ripp (to accountant on phone): I’m getting tired of waiting. And you don’t wanna see this oil man blow.
Gigi: Now listen, Amanda. I’ve come to terms with your job [at Boobylicious]. I’ve even come to love jalapeno poppers. But there is no way you’re going to find Mr. Right showing your pretties at Boobylicious....
Amanda: ...Bill hasn’t been dead a year. There’s a period of respect.
Gigi: But your husband was a criminal and an adulterer and, down here in Texas, that means you can get back in the saddle just a little sooner. Jason, Beau, come meet Amanda. ...Jason is in oil. And Beau is in oil.
Amanda: What a surprise.
Cricket (to Carlene on the phone): The way you talk, Ripp knocks the nickels out of you every ten minutes. [This one deserves its own spotlight, but is part of the next one too.]
Cricket (to Carlene on the phone): Talk fast. I’m on the reformer....The way you talk, Ripp knocks the nickels out of you every ten minutes....Gotta go, I’ve got to work on my neutral pelvis [with instructor Lance who then proclaims his engagement to be married, which also involves moving to Waco].
Cricket (calling her office, having sent Lance out of the room to get a smoothie for her): Find out where Lance and Kiki (phonetically spelled here) are registered. Buy them a fabulous wedding gift. And there’s a chain of fitness centers called Waco Workouts. Buy them. Tear them down. Any calls?
Carlene (to Cricket who has been talking with Sharon about renewing her physical fitness class with a former instructor): You can’t let your physical well-being slip through those cracks. [Wonderful scene with Carlene pointing a couple times at Cricket’s head.]
Sharon (to Pastor): Well, after your homily on volunteerism, the ladies [Cricket and Carlene] and I decided to roll on up our sleeves and drive Juan, Valenciano [spelled phonetically here] and Jorge right on down here.
Carlene (with Cricket speaking to Sharon here about her husband, Zach, and Amanda): I give unto you power to tread onto serpents and scorpions.
Cricket: [stuttering] I don’t remember the exact verse but the Bible is just full of that kind of whoop ass.
Amanda: Look, Sharon. I’m not your problem. Your husband is. So you need to take it up with him.
. . .
Sharon: Marriage is a sacred institution and I will not be taken down by a fallen woman.
Waitress: Booby basket! [Then slides down the fireman’s pole, knocking into Sharon—who indeed was “taken down by a ‘falling’ woman.” HA!]
Amanda (to her mother and pastor): Fur for the homeless?
Gigi: It gets chilly under those overpasses.
Ripp: ...Name some happy couples [in the Bible.]
Carlene: Well, there was Mary and Joseph. Once they worked through that whole Immaculate Conception thing.
[The full scene with the telephone conversation between Sharon and Bethany Mae (spelled phonetically here) at the Texas Chili Council’s culinary hotline is HILARIOUS! You need to watch it to get the full effect. Here’s just a portion.]
Sharon: Should I tell my husband I know he kissed another woman?
Bethany Mae: Absolutely.
Sharon: ...But I’m scared.
Bethany Mae: Woman, you are cooking with one of the hottest chili peppers known to man. Stop whining and yank that man’s chain.
Amanda (as Heather parks at church for an evening with the singles group): I thought we were getting mani-pedis.
Heather: I lied. You look great. Get out of the car.
Cricket (to her husband, Blake): That’s the last time we volunteer to be a happily married couple. The singles here are creepy.
Blake (to his wife, Cricket): Carlene has enough tongue for ten rows of teeth and she’s gonna be wagging it [his secret] all over town.
Andrew: Hey, Amanda. Does ‘control freak/nitpicker’ have a hyphen?
Ripp interjects: No.
Carlene (to Cricket): Well, I asked Victor [at the dojo] to give me your same workout and he tried to touch my tae kwon do.
Cricket: ...Carlene, stop projecting sin onto others....fix your own marriage. Leave mine alone.
Blake: I’m sorry. You deserve a man who can give you everything. Not slap you on the wrist for wanting more.
Cricket: No marriage’s perfect....No man, including my father, ever loved me for who I am. Except for you.
Carlene: Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together....
Ripp: ...It’s not you....It’s Bill Vaughn....[he stole from me]
Carlene: Are we poor?
Ripp: No, darling. We’re still very, very rich. Just not very, very, very rich.
Gigi: What the heck is that?
Amanda (with a piñata shaped like a boy/man that she’s filled with slips of paper upon which she wrote all she’d like to say to her deceased cheating husband): This is Bill. Sort of. By smashing it, it’s supposed to set me free from him.
Gigi: I’ll get my putter. [Coming back with the golf club] I’d like to take a swing at Bill.
Carlene (to Ripp, discussing Amanda and Bill, reading Amanda’s slips in the real piñata that was hers): ...Well, my stars and garters.
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Again, this post contains some of my favorite lines from this episode of GCB. What was yours?