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Sunday, April 29, 2012

GCB Quotes from Episode Six, "Turn the Other Cheek"

If you are as addicted to this show as I am, you've noticed some things.  First, Dallas women wear more than one necklace and multiple bracelets.  Second, they are always "dressed" including makeup and earrings and heels.  Third, Sharon is the eternal little girl, no matter how grown-up she may be in years.  Fourth, Cricket is the career-driven overachiever with her feminine side totally locked down, while her husband is the emotional one with maternal instincts.

And it all works!

Here are more golden nuggets from this latest episode of GCB [BEWARE:  There is some "language" in this episode]:

* * *

Ripp (to Carlene):  God forgives you, kitten.  We’re all sinners.

Carlene (about Amanda and Luke):  Just look at them.  She drives men to drive off cliffs and he has terrible taste in women.  Who am I to say they aren’t meant for each other?
Ripp (to Carlene):  You get so full of love around vow-renewal time.

Sharon:  . . . can handle the massive responsibilities that come with matron of honorship.
Pastor:  Don’t you just walk down an aisle?
Sharon:  Oh, Lord have mercy, no.  I have planned this thing to perfection.  From the Twelve Oaks picnic . . . to the Burning of Atlanta barbecue reception.
Pastor Tudor:  I’m getting kinda nervous.
Sharon:  All you have to do is read the vows.  I’ll provide your horse and the Confederate uniform.

[I love the scene where Blake talks to Cricket about having another baby in what looks like an informal den area.  Come to find out, it’s their plane!]

Cricket:  I just got off the plane from El Paso.  I require liquor.
Carlene:  Anything wrong?  You look like someone licked the red off your candy.
. . .
Sharon:  Look at my parasol.  It twirls. . . . What did Blake do?
Cricket:  Out of the blue, he tells me he wants another baby. . . . Sharing and caring time is over.

Carlene:  Sharon, I appreciate you leaping to my defense, but I’ve already forgiven Heather for her shocking lapse of judgment.
Cricket:  You should never chose a man over your dear, dear friends.  Especially the kind you date that just come and go.

Amanda:  Hey, listen.  Since you and I seem to be on the verge of hitting it off . . .
Luke:  Well, I think we’re on the verge of hitting it out of the park.
Amanda:  . . . Exactly how close are you and Carlene?
Luke:  . . . I never understand her, but I adore her.

Amanda:  You understand? [why she turned down a date with him to Carlene’s annual vow renewal.]
Luke:  Not really.  But, hey, if you change your mind, I’ll just be right across the street.

Amanda:  How much did you hear?
Gigi:  Well, I must have heard wrong, because you couldn’t have possibly sent away a good man just because you are scared of some blond nitwit in twenty-inch heels. . . . Luke is a doll. Set aside your differences with Carlene . . . Don’t be a chicken.  Cross the road.

Carlene:  Amanda.  I’m sure you’re not here to see me.  (Yelling:) Luke!

Luke:  I’m gonna freak Carlene out and come as Abraham Lincoln.
Amanda:  But he wasn’t in Gone with the Wind.
Luke:  I like breaking the rules.
Amanda:  Me too.  And in the spirit of that, I’ve changed my mind.  I’d love to be your date on Saturday night.

Carlene:  Absolutely not.  You have to stand up with me [at Carlene’s seventeenth annual vow renewal].  You’ll be my only family in attendance.  Aunt Bitsy’s dead.  Uncle Burl’s in unincorporated Juarez.  And Mama and Daddy have a bridge game.

Cricket:  A lady hates when a man upsets her plan.  Today’s sophisticated and dynamic woman decides and accepts what her life is going to be.  It’s not fair for someone to just walk in there and rip it to hell just because he has a penis.

Amanda:  On second thought, I may sit this one out.  You just call me when the circus leaves town.

Luke:  I have been to sixteen of these monkey scratches. . . . You make your choices.  I make mine.

Sharon (to Amanda):  Chapter 17 in the Matron of Honor Manual.  Avoiding a buffet of death.

Amanda:  Hosting in Dallas is very different than California.
Gigi:  I’m sure.  Here we’re known for our manners.

Amanda:  Look at Carlene . . . almost human.
Gigi:  You know, darling, have you ever considered that she’s actually capable of a generous gesture where you are concerned?  That she's really trying to embrace the idea of you and her brother?
Amanda:  No.
Gigi:  Me either.

Carlene:  It’ll be a welcome addition to my collection of sacred statuary.

Amanda:  The White House doesn’t have this much protocol.

Amanda:  I already destroyed the bridal shower with a battery-operated, remote-control marital aid called Jack the Ripper.

Amanda:  . . .this overnight bachelorette . . . like an all-girls’ vacay.
Luke:  How bad can that be?

Cricket’s pilot:  Ladies, remember to stow all your firearms during takeoff and landing.

Sharon:  Oh, heavens. It looks like someone didn’t read all the way through to page 526 in the manual.

Amanda:  Hunting?  Why hunting?
Carlene:  To shoot us up something tasty.  Serve it at the reception.
Cricket:  . . . good exercise.  Why should the men have all the fun killing things?

Amanda:  Seriously, you’re waiting on Cruella de Vil?  [NOTE:  This is how both the song and the character are spelled per YouTube, IMDB, Disney and various lyrics websites.]
Heather:  . . . Besides it ain’t that different from you being Carlene’s Slave of Honor to make Luke happy.
Amanda:  Stones, glass houses.  I get it.

Carlene:  Does this gun make me look fat?

Sharon [sticking a finger through a hole in the vest Amanda is currently wearing]:  Granddaddy Bo’s hunting vest.  Thank God you can live with only one lung.

Sharon:  I can skin a rabbit faster than any woman in Dallas.  It was my talent in the Miss North Texas Pageant.

Sharon (to Amanda):  He’s taken a different date to Carlene’s vow-renewal ceremony sixteen years straight.  Not a single repeat appearance.  And then he dumps every single one of them within two weeks of the ceremony.  . . . But maybe seventeen is your lucky number.

Carlene (to Amanda):  Howdy, hunting partner.  You ready to bond with bullets?

Heather:  Oh, God.  What is this?
Cricket:  Urine of the doe in heat.  My gift to Carlene is the trophy buck of a lifetime.  Poor thing desperately needs a statement piece of taxidermy in her dining room. . . . Spray me with the human scent neutralizer.

[This whole hunting section is hilarious with the girls’ designer hunting gear and all bedecked in their jewels and makeup and manicures!  Oh, and don’t forget Carlene’s camouflaged Bible.]

Amanda:  I‘m not gonna kill anything.
Carlene:  Of course you’re not, sugar.  We can’t be all mighty hunters before the Lord.

Amanda:  . . . Luke and his harem of dates to your vow renewal.  . . . The curse?  You can do better than that. . . .
Carlene:  I will not stand here and be accused of sins I did not commit.  I swear on this hunter’s Bible . . .
Amanda:  Fine.  I’ll leave.  Enjoy yourself.  Don’t get eaten by a bear.
Carlene:  Leave the gun.
Amanda [dropping the gun, which then goes off].
Carlene:  Owww!  I’ve been shot!

Heather:  Come on, Cricket.  A baby would be wonderful.
Cricket:  Fire up your uterus and you have one.  Mine is closed for business.
. . .
Cricket:  If you have to cry, put this deer caller in your mouth.
Heather:  . . . Alexandra’s a shining example of Dallas womanhood. . . .Blake fills in the gaps for you and you for him.  That’s what makes y’all such a great team.  I’d give anything to have that.  . . . [Cricket won’t kill the deer] Don’t tell me you’re not maternal.

Doctor:  If Job had taken two of these, he wouldn’t have suffered.

Cricket:  Carlene will never be able to wear her pink Chanel romper again [because of the gunshot wound now in her left buttock].

Carlene (to Luke):  You mean our original marriage license, the binding contract, that defines and defends marriage, you lost it?
Luke:  [nods]
Carlene:  So, Ripp and I aren’t really married? [faints away]

Luke:  Technically it was nineteen.  Three bailed in route to Dallas and I found replacements in the airport bar. . . . I’m feeling really good about my twentieth.  She seems like a keeper.  . . . I dated around . . . I’m not that guy anymore.

Amanda:  It seems like kind of a big change to make in a year. . . . I don’t want to be hurt by a player.

Ripp (to Carlene):  The marriage license is just a sheet of paper.  It doesn’t mean we’re not married in the eyes of the Lord.

Carlene (on pain medicine, slurs her speech):  I’m very stoned.  I can get still stoner by the end of the day. . . . [Amanda’s] a pale-faced, Minnie-Mouthed ninny.  And I hate her. . . . There is no ceremony.  There’s nothing to renew.

Gigi:  Now, darling.  You are not the first person to think about shooting Carlene Cockburn.  You’re just the first person to do it.
Amanda:  Mama, I’m not in the mood today.
Gigi:  Am I to believe all this sulking is over the loss of that “friendship”?  Or is there something else going on here?
Amanda:  Luke and I had a fight.
Gigi:  That’s perfectly normal for a new couple.  Just make sure you settle it the Dallas way.  He begs for forgiveness--you get jewelry.
Amanda:  . . . Man, did I step into it. . . He’s gone.
Gigi:  Oh, please, you’re too fantastic to leave for long. . . .
Amanda:  How do you apologize for shooting someone?
Gigi:  That is an etiquette conundrum that you will not find in Emily Post.  I know--I have Dick Cheney’s number someplace.

Cricket:  Blake, the world as we know it may be over.  Carlene’s marriage might not be legal.
Blake (laughing with Cricket):  How’s she taking it?
Cricket:  Like Scarlet after Rhett bailed.

Cricket (to Blake):  As you know, I am keenly aware of my lack of maternal instinct. . . . Sad, barren Heather showed me light.  Just before I was about to take down a deer.  I am not afraid to have children with you. . . . You are my trophy buck of a lifetime.  You know that?

Carlene:  What are those?
Amanda:  Apology hydrangeas?  My mother thought they’d be appropriate for some reason.  Cheney was no help.

Carlene:  Do you have any idea what it's like knowing your whole marriage is a lie?
Amanda:  Actually, yeah.  I do.

Carlene:  Ooh, the top tier to my wedding cake.  Ripp and I were going to feed it to each other—naked—on our twentieth anniversary.  Feed it to the poor!

Amanda (finding original marriage license):  Holy matrimony!

Amanda (to Angus Horvath, county clerk employee):  I need a teeny, tiny favor.  See, there was a terrible miscarriage of justice seventeen years ago.  Only you can make things right.  I need you to file this marriage license retroactively. . . .
Angus:  All right.  Show me your tatas.
Amanda:  What?
Angus:  Your boobies.

Cricket:  This is ridiculous.  Grown women do not wear bows.
Carlene:  They do when it’s my blessed day.

Heather:  Thank you.
Cricket:  Don’t mention it.  Ever.

Sharon:  We’ve been best friends forever and to have you pass me up, year after year [for the last sixteen years], as your matron of honor, starts to make a girl feel like she’s not good enough.
Carlene:  . . . I may sparkle, honey, but you shine.
Sharon:  . . . I may still have my Melanie Wilkes’s hoop skirt in the car.
[Love the closing shot of this scene that pans over to Cricket and Heather, both drinking, but look again.  Heather had TWO glasses, one in each hand.  Ha!]

Carlene:  I guess I owe you a thank-you for saving the day, and my marriage.  Even if it was sorta your fault in the first place.
Luke:  Don’t thank me.  Amanda’s the one who showed her breasts to a vindictive troll on your behalf.
Carlene:  That’s truly a sin.  At least you were using your boobies for good and not for evil.  This time.

Carlene:  Oh heavens no.  Don’t be silly.  You’re wearing jeans.
Luke:  It’s just a vow renewal.
Carlene:  It’ll ruin the whole theme.

Amanda:  Maybe we could look beyond who we used to be and just focus on who we are now.
Luke:  You know why I call you ladybug?  Because they eat other bugs for lunch.  I know who you are, Amanda Vaughn.  And I’m quite all right with it. 
[Gone with the Wind theme song playing in background as they kiss, simultaneously while Ripp and Carlene kiss after renewing their vows.]

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