Two Random Thoughts Which Motivated Me (and Hopefully Will Motivate You Too)

Here they are:

• Fear and Anger: Both are normally touted as "bad" emotions. But I propose that each have a good side as well. I know, for me, anger motivates me to plunge ahead with a goal, regardless of any perceived fears. Granted, if it pushed me to resort to violence, that would be bad anger at work. Just make sure of your motivation, your goal. And some fears need to be faced to find the silver lining inside. Same with procrastination. What are the top three things you are putting off? Those are the very things that should be the top three items on your To Do list. Once you accomplish them, you'll feel so rewarded, so free, so productive, so happy. Try it. I dare you to spend fifteen minutes on your biggest procrastination, whether decluttering, exercising again, taking a hard look at your finances, whatever. So, like carbs of late, look for the good fears. Look for the good anger. Both should urge you on to success, to finding your purpose in life, to living a fuller life, to experiencing true joy daily.
• Baby Steps; You Can Do Anything for Fifteen Minutes: These are both sayings oft repeated by FlyLady.net and others. While easily applied to reinstate daily exercise routines, I applied it to my big nonfiction project of assembling a cookbook from the paper copies of recipes in my home. I've got three banker's boxes full, unless I've forgotten/misplaced other such boxes (which is totally possible), with an estimated 2,500 individual recipes in each box x 3 boxes = 7,500 recipes. Not counting those I've saved on individual recipe sites online, like Pioneer Woman and Delish and Yummly and others. Not counting those in my email folder labeled Recipes. Yes, this is a growing addiction of mine, collecting recipes. But last night's insomnia from 1:00 a.m. to 3:00 a.m. yielded me twenty pages of the start of my favorite recipes book, ones I use often, limited to 100 max. Baby steps in motion here. Now I'm making some traction on this beloved work-in-progress project. Wish me luck.

Welcome to My World, Where Every Day Is a Saturday

Denise Barker, Author, Blogger, Copy Editor
Books that Build Character(s)

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Stress Relievers

This post is as much for me as for y'all—although my stress levels are way down, now that I work for myself at home and no longer work as a legal assistant in downtown Dallas. Loved it for a time, then took the leap of faith and became an entrepreneur. Still, I need this reminder list some days too.

Some common physical symptoms of stress include a racing heart, headaches, rashes/itching/hives, heartburn, stomach pain, nausea, change in bowel habits. If they persist, go see the professional of your choice.

I'm not a health professional, just a layperson who collects data/info. That means, instead of collecting owl figurines or antique letter openers (nothing wrong with either), I collect what I find interesting (usually health or writing related) along with cookbooks and published fiction and nonfiction.

So I found a bunch of loose sheets dealing with stress. I have more on this subject somewhere else, in another box I've yet to sort through, because I had this humorous list of about thirty items on how to deal with stress. However, the only one I remember, without benefit of said list, is something about seeing how many minimarshmallows you can stuff up your nose. Not that I'd advocate that, but the thought makes me smile. So here are my current findings, which are on a more serious note. I'll share the funny ones later, when I find them.

1. Get more financially organized. Put your bills to be paid next to your computer. Or, even better, go ahead and set them up for payment online, with the date to be paid selected as needed. Have your important papers gathered in one spot: your Last Will and Testament, your medical powers of attorney, your general power of attorney, your car titles, your banking info, your life insurance policy, etc. Tell your executor where to find this.
2. Stop procrastinating. If you are scared to make that doctor's appointment, just do it. You are more than likely worrying needlessly. Or you can worry less if you catch "something" sooner rather than later.
3. Reach out and touch something soft: a beloved pet, satin sheets, an angora sweater, your baby's soft skin, even your hubby's rough hands.
4. Watch a favorite movie for the tenth time.
5. Water! Drink it. Bathe in it. Seek its source. Watch the ocean. Swim in a lake. Magic!
6. Smell something good. Bake fresh bread at home. Put on a pot of simmering cinnamon sticks and orange rinds. Buy yourself some flowers (or just visit a florist and inhale).
7. Exercise.
8. Play the piano.
9. Listen to music. Dance to music. Sing to music. Your choice.
10. If the budget allows, go have lunch with the girls/guys.
11. People who work hard at satisfying jobs, and who have rich family and personal lives, are usually the happiest. So if you spend most of your waking hours at a job you hate, where you are not appreciated, get one better suited for you.
12. Play hard.
13. Hike. Research your town's/city's hiking trails. Go explore.
14. Go biking.
15. Practice yoga or other stretching exercises.
16. Remember, feeling as if you have too little control over your life can cause stress. Seek to resolve that.
17. Also too little to do can cause stress. Find a hobby. Go volunteer and help others.
18. Scented candles can be soothing. Go for beeswax candles that don't put toxins in your environment.
19. Figure out your particular stressor(s) and take steps to remedy them.
20. Remember that worry cuts into your productivity. You are punishing yourself. Stop that now. Realizing you are doing this is the first step to recovery.
21. High-pressure jobs (a lot to do) with low control (little say so on your part) are the most stressful. Maybe stop to evaluate your position in a new light. Check out the current job market. Wouldn't it be great to find a job closer to home, that pays you more, with better benefits? Go find one now.
22. Working where you don't feel meaningful causes stress. Move toward your goals instead of someone else's goals.
23. Get your house more organized. Per FLYLady.net, the cheapest remodel is to declutter your house. Won't that make you smile?
24. Be decisive. Quit waffling about that decision on your mind, taking up hours and hours of your day and leading to nothing productive. Make a decision. Now. Flip a coin if you have to. If the first decision turns out to be wrong, correct course and make another decision.
25. Worrying is your first red flag to get some good advice, to act, to do something instead.
26. Make a list of what stresses you and divide it into two columns: that which you can control and that which you can't. Then have a trusted friend or your spouse look over your "can't control" list to offer any insight that you may not be seeing.
27. Figure out what are your "hot buttons." Find a way to avoid them (or avoid that person most likely to push all of them!).
28. Make a realistic budget for now and revise it for later when things are not so tight financially. It has to be doable or you'll feel stress in not making it work.
29. Create a mission statement for your life. List all goals, like write that novel, return to college, take a cooking class or a language class or whatever. Read this first thing every morning and last thing at night. Keep your mind aware of your bigger goals. You should start seeing opportunities regarding these, now that you've alerted your subconscious mind that these are important to you.
30. Now act on one of your goals. When you do something you really love, you won't need so many stress relievers, as you've focused on correcting the cause, not the effect.
31. Don't contaminate the good times. Stop feeling guilty when you do splurge and eat that Death by Chocolate dessert. Enjoy it. Savor it. Then eat salads tomorrow. And enjoy them, savor them too.
32. Kick bad habits: smoking, drinking to excess, sugarholicism, etc.
33. Make a To Do list. Be realistic. Affix a timeline for how long it would take you to do it all. You may be surprised how little time is involved. Plus remember that procrastinating about doing these jobs is truly wasted time. Prove it to yourself by choosing the "quickest" item on your list. Time yourself. Did it take all of fifteen minutes? Surprised you, didn't it? Well, keep at it.
34. Say no.
35. Give yourself at least fifteen minutes of "you" time each day. You deserve more than that, but this will suffice for now.
36. Breathe deeply, slowly.
37. Think of the best sex you ever had.
38. Play a computer game.
39. Read!
40. If the budget allows, take vacations, meet friends for lunch/dinner, romance your hubby with a candlelight dinner at home or out somewhere special.
41. Keep things in perspective. Be grateful for health and home and love. For most of us here in the States, our "problems" are probably first-world "problems."
42. Take a weekend to prepare forty freezer meals. I haven't yet done this (my freezer is packed), so I can't recommend any one plan to you, but I did find two or three websites with free instructions on this. Check them out and let me know how they worked for you. See https://newleafwellness.biz/2015/02/17/17-freezer-meal-prep-sessions-that-will-change-your-life/ and http://foodwineandpoopydiapers.com/2014/03/23/how-i-feed-my-whole-family-for-about-60-a-week/ and http://www.aturtleslifeforme.com/2011/06/freezer-meals-on-cheap.html. If your budget allows, you can buy freezer menu mailers from Leeann Ely at savingdinner.com. If money is truly no object, you can go with the paid meal deliveries of fresh food that you cook yourself. Research the Internet for these companies.
43. Initiate date night with your special honey, whether it's once a week or once a month. Have fun!
44. If a traditional vacay is not in the cards for you, take a day trip. Drive to a nearby town and walk the square and check out antiques or watch the hot air balloon celebration or visit an upcoming festival.
45. In that vein, go to the library, the bookstore for a day of browsing and adding to your wish list, and/or Starbucks (but sit outside this time, weather permitting).
46. Stop focusing on yourself and your problems. I bet there are plenty of people with much worse ordeals to survive.
47. Empty a drawer! The universe likes to fill vacuums.
48. For the ladies, give yourself a mani-pedi.
49. Have a full spa day at home.
50. Buy yourself flowers.
51. Keep things around you that make you smile.
52. Declutter!
53. Draw. Paint. Use charcoal, pen and ink, pastels, oils, etc.
54. Use white noise to calm you.
55. Recover from the drain of negative emotions by trying this: with mouth closed, tap your tongue against the ridge behind your upper front teeth. Do for three to four minutes. Let me know if this works for you.
56. Interrupt bad thoughts that are on a vicious loop in your head. Simply change the state of your mind. Use a positive mantra word. Repeat it. Passively disregard other thoughts.
57. Take a break hourly to stretch whatever body part is the tensest.
58. Remember that fretting is not productive. Fretting is just delaying solving the problem.
59. Do like Scarlett O'Hara did. Worry about it tomorrow (which then turns into "today"). But set about solving it today.
60. Ask yourself when your worries actual came to fruition. See? Waste of time ...
61. Gather info that either solves your problem or dismisses the worry associated therewith.
62. Visualize good outcomes.
63. Savor the moment. Be more present.
64. Remember to take care of yourself. That replenishes the courage you need to go on.
65. Caring for yourself tells you that you are worth the effort.
66. Caring for yourself tells the world that you are worth it.
67. Create a sense of possibility, which raises your spirits and your energy levels.
68. Remind yourself that taking care of your family, your home, yourself, is a privilege, not a chore.
69. Treat yourself well. With respect. With the utmost care. People will begin to treat you in the same manner too.
70. HALT: Ask yourself if you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired? Fix the underlying problem. Either eat something healthy, confront the anger, go hug someone, take a nap.
71. If angry, remember that you can't control others. You can control your responses to them though. You can avoid them as well. Plus look for the faulty "should" talk that appears in your angry-mode thinking. "They shouldn't treat me like this. They should know better. They should apologize ..."
72. Forgive. Holding a grudge takes mental, emotional and physical energy. Not worth it. Say a prayer for those people and move on, doing what you can about it. NEVER stay in an abusive relationship.
73. There's a strong connection between anger and health problems, such as chronic stomach upsets, heart problems and skin conditions. Get healthier by addressing the root of the anger.
74. Forgiveness releases enormous energy. So does acting on that procrastination.
75. Forgiveness works whether you speak to that person face-to-face or just forgive them in your mind.
76. Forgiving someone DOES NOT MEAN you trust them. They have to earn that. Again.
77. Speak up when someone wrongs you. Don't let their wrong and your silence both fester inside you. Plus some people need to be told what bothers you and why. Establish those boundaries early on. And it could be simply a failure to communicate. Correct it. Immediately.
78. Get professional help if needed.

Wow. I had no idea I had collected so many. As always, use what resonates with you and dismiss the rest.

Here's to happier people all around ...

"If your vocation isn’t a vacation, then quit, leap, change careers."

Denise Barker, Author, Blogger, Copy Editor
Books that Build Character(s)

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What lies behind you and what lies in front of you pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson
When you give someone a book, you don’t give him just paper, ink, and glue.  You give him the possibility of a whole new life. Christopher Morley
The best inheritance you can leave your kids is an example of how to live a full and meaningful life. Dan Zadra

Emotions in Writing

Two research projects intersected into a wonderful revelation for me. While I was studying one of Nora Roberts's free short stories downloaded from her official website--to search for why her writing so mesmerizes me--I also made a list of some of my fave movies to look for the similarities--to see what I both sought and found in those books and films--as that is most likely my writing niche.

But I was looking at genre and situation and plot and other such elements trying to find that unifying cord that screamed, "Denise, this is your (one) true place, theme, genre."

I know. Seems I should already be aware of this as I understand me best, right? Not so much here with this specific insight. Plus, I wanted the clarity. All the goal-setting tips say so and, as an author, it helps to have a guiding principle. Both for writing in general and for each special project. I read somewhere that a problem with a story is either tied to the author or the tale (or maybe a little of each). Having a target in mind should clear the way from both angles.

Yes, I write romantic suspense novels with some wry humor thrown in for good measure--although one of my CPs just the other week described my writing as more mainstream and not strictly romance. Good! After all, Nora Roberts is my mentor, my hero, my benchmark. She changed the landscape of the romance genre, expanding it, incorporating elements from the other categories.

Plus she elevates her imaginings from the superficiality of sight-based-only romances to dig deeper, sharing beautiful insights into humanity and psychological glimpses into her characters' minds. It is not about who is merely beautiful and rich; Nora adds layers fully fleshing out her characters to become alive and yet real with foibles and insecurities and fears as well as goals and dreams.

I believe she's covered all basic genre themes while under the romance umbrella writing as Nora Roberts, or under the futuristic police procedurals writing as J.D. Robb. Luckily for me, her brand of horror is lightly handled and swept away fast (the child incest/molestation, the graphic murders), which allows me to keep reading her stuff over these speed bumps of utter disgust.

More than one of her stories has magic, paranormal elements, mystery, women's fiction, action, adventure, glitz, police procedure, murder, mainstream psychological insight, comedy/humor, love and some horror; appearing in contemporary, future, western and historical time frames; from domestic settings to foreign; on land or on sea or on another planet.  Did I miss anything?

Which brings me to this post about my revelation.

Certain emotions are tied to certain genres: such as fright with horror, HEA love with romance, wonder with fantasy, humor with comedy, etc. But with new crossover books and universal authors like Nora, we have blending going on, such as paranormal romantic suspense and chick lit and steampunk and new combos brewing even now.

Here's my latest light-bulb moment: We seek more than just one emotion in our movies, in our reading. The particular films and fiction we choose--and still like after viewing and reading--hit those spots we want to have stirred up. Those "bad" selections are simply markers of entertainment focusing on another set of feelings we do not wish to relive.

For me, it is horror in the strictest sense. I do not like to be surprised or scared. Yet, The Mummy (movie remake with Brendan Fraser) doesn't frighten me in the least, no matter being branded as a horror. But I refuse to see The Silence of the Lambs or Hitchcock's Psycho--even though I already know both punch lines.

Another particular taboo is sad movies that make me cry. And cry. And cry some more. I'm not a crybaby. Life can cause enough tears and sadness which we cannot control. Who needs more of our own election?

Still, one of my favorite movies is P.S. I Love You which is a real tearjerker. Somehow I can occasionally rewatch that flick. Maybe because the love overshadows the grief by a tad? Yet, there is another big-name author whose books have been made into movies and the sadness is to such an intense level that I cannot handle it.

Death is another element I avoid. Yet I love Murder, She Wrote and J.D. Robb's In Death series. Probably because we don't even know the dead guy.  I'm emotionally separated enough from the deceased stranger to care only about justice, a theme, instead of knowing the victim and harboring personal thoughts of revenge for the death of my best friend, my lover, my family.

It is okay if I learn more about the unknown person as long as it is in dribbles throughout the tale, well after the initial murder, as in the case of J.D. Robb's books.

But my same CP mentioned above said I should do more with the characters who die in my books. No. Not my main genre. Not my style. Not my forte. I am not so equipped. I'll leave it for others to handle artfully.

So the death of one of my major characters in a current WIP is a footnote basically.  I've led my readers through two hundred pages getting to know this person and they will be hit hard by the death, even though we all know it is coming.  But is in the background.

My psyche can only process it that way.

Therefore, if you are looking for gory deaths--with chapters full of details on how the villains tortured and mutilated their victims, the bad guys' anger increasing after they pushed their punishments too far, causing their playthings to die, bringing to an abrupt end all the other wonderful pain and misery the evil ones had planned to inflict--you won't find that in my books.

However, if you are like me and crave love and action and adventure and suspense and comedy and wonder and mysteries--whether regarding murder or learning something (think House, M.D. or Numb3rs or the Discovery Channel)--then that is what you should write as an author and read as a fan.

Incorporate all those elements you seek in your entertainment within your own creations.

It is not about one genre, even a crossover.

It is about emotions. In multiples.

Once I made that link, I'm now seeing it vividly as I again enjoy, yet like a first timer, my beloved TV shows, fave movies, endearing books.

My empirical data proves my own theory.

This new praxis frees me from the rather restrictive genre definitions or even various plotlines. Too narrow. My focus is on a higher level. A universal bond. Through emotions.

I can now easily dissect Nora Roberts aka J.D. Robb while remaining within her storytelling spell.  She evokes sympathy, empathy, love, jealousy, anger, while stirring up themes of justice, love conquers all, the good guys win at the end. Right in line with my own thinking.

It shouldn't amaze me, but it does.  Something this elegant, this . . . simple, yet grand--well, it boggles my brain. As discussed on this blog before, a mind once opened to a new distinction, a nouveau idea, has had its boundaries stretched, never to go back again.

Wow!  What a wonderful discovery . . . To my readers, this may seem like a "Well, duh!" moment.  And they usually are. What seems complex is simple. Our answers are hidden in plain sight.

Wow.

Denise Barker, author + blogger +

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