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Sunday, April 8, 2012

What Are Your Favorite Quotes from Episodes One (the Pilot) and Two of GCB?

I love this show.  I'm addicted to this show.  I've watched all five episodes to date about eight times.  I'm gonna watch the Pilot and Episode Two again today as they will no longer play on Hulu.com in another nineteen hours.  Can anybody say "intervention"?

Yes, I live in DFW.  Yes, I'm a Christian.  Yes, the new ABC series based on the book by Kim Gatlin (also a Dallas gal) pokes fun at both.

Still . . . and because of it all, I'm a possessed fan.

And, as an author, this show is overflowing with action, great one-liners, conflict at every turn, and yet a very humanizing look at each of our mean girls, whether former, reformed, new or renewed.  Just making this list of great quips from only the first two shows confirms several things:  either the author, Kim Gatlin (her book is on my Must Read list), has the wonderfully snide sentences in the hardback or one creative and amusing screenwriter put them there, or a combination of the two.

Plus each episode clicks right along, at about one scene per minute for the almost forty-four minutes of airtime (not counting commercials).  This is standard screenwriting technique when chopping a novel down to big (or little) screen showings.  No slow moments in GCB.  Plenty going on.  Just like I like it.  

I am being entertained in addition to learning tips and techniques from a fellow author.

Now, I know we all have our personal brand of humor.  My son likes SNL, the movie Borat and other TV series that I just do not get.   He's laughing so loud the neighbors can hear.  I'm frowning wondering what I missed.  Not one funny bone tickled.  At all.  So, to each his own.

Remember:  Imitation is the best form of flattery.

I said all that to say this:  I mean no harm.  I am certainly not endorsing the attitudes or mean-girl posturing.  I am simply laughing at a spoof about Dallas Christians.  Being one myself, it's okay.  Yet, I am Texas-proud to live in the Dallas Metroplex.  And to be a Christian.

Therefore, if you are in any way offended by GCB, stop reading this particular post now.

* * * 

Here's some of my favorite quotes from the soon-to-be-expired pilot and initial episode.


Gigi:  You know very well I didn't like Bill when you dated him in high school.  I really didn't like you marrying him.  Hated when he dragged you off to California.
Amanda:  I know the fact that you didn't come to his funeral wasn't my first clue.

Amanda:  I saw your photo on like forty bus stop benches as I drove into town.
Heather:  It's nice to know that someone somewhere is always sitting on my face.
Carlene:  Heather.  [Pointing upward] House of God.

Carlene:  Speaking of lust, look at the men.  They're all over her [Amanda] like flies on sh...ugar.

Amanda:  I've changed.  I've grown up.  I've had kids.  I've had some knocks.  Nobody can stay exactly like they were in high school.
Gigi:  [Looking at the gaggle of Carlene, Cricket, Sharon and Heather]:  Oh, yes, they can.

Will:  Hey, mom.  What does that mean?  [Looking at church sign:  You reap what you sow.]
Amanda:  That's Texan for karma.

Amanda:  Blake called a headhunter who's gotten me four interviews.  I'm so excited.
Gigi:  Why you have to hunt head is beyond me.

Amanda:  You're teaching my son how to mix drinks?
Gigi:  Yes.  He'll be employable someday.

Carlene:  Ripp and I gave Landry a telescope for Christmas.  It's better than the Hubble [and trained on Amanda's mother's house (Gigi's) across the street from Carlene].

Cricket:  Corduroy's back?
Blake:  Corduroy never goes away.  Because everyone's ass looks good in corduroy.

Cricket:  Someone gave Amanda a car.

Gigi: You should keep it.
Amanda:  I don't need a secret admirer.  My husband just died . . .
Gigi:  What is the diference between flowers and a car?  A few zeros, that's all.  You should never reject a gift.  I raised you to be polite.

Amanda:  But you said you had a thought [about who gifted her with a car from his dealership].
Zach:  My thought is, I wish I'd thought of it.
Amanda:  Why?
Zach:  Amanda.  You were the love of my life [in high school].
Amanda:  That . . . That's so sweet.
Zach:  . . . all those feelings came flooding back . . . Sunday [at church].
Amanda:  You're married.
Zach:  I'm drowning in the very thought of you.
Amanda:  You need to tread water.
[Zach kisses Amanda.]
Amanda:  No.  Zach, you gotta get a grip.  This didn't happen.  Bye!

Carlene:  . . . Wish all marriages could be as spiritually grounded as ours.
Ripp:  Me, too.  Want to do it on the desk?

Gigi:  . . . [Laura]  just needed a little Tex-ifying.  Big hair is a sign of confidence.  And  confidence never goes out of style. . . . breasts!  Who knew?  Hers are real.  That's gonna save you some money, missy. . . . You, Amanda, are starting to get on my nerves.

Carlene (to Sharon on the phone):  Half of Neiman's just got delivered to Amanda.

Amanda:  I'm not a heifer.
Gigi:  Exactly.  You're not young enough to be a heifer.

Amanda:  I'm all about starting over. . . . I admit.  I was a mean girl.  I really don't know why.  I had a charmed life.

Amanda:  Ladies!  Don't know.  Don't care [who secret admirer is].  School night.  [Ushers gaggle of mean girls out of Gigi's house who came for info but bearing a welcome basket.]

Sharon:  Carlene Cockburn.  You broke Commandment Number Eight.
Carlene:  I did not steal.  It's research [re Amanda's secret admirer's almost $100,000 gift card].

Neiman's Customer Service:  May I see some ID, please?
Sharon:  No [running from store; getting into Carlene's car at curb].  Drive it like you stole it!

Amanda to Ripp:  I heard she'd [Carlene] married a big ole Amarillo oil man.

Amanda [to Carlene, Cricket and Sharon]:  Oh, yeah.  Fun fact.  Dallas has more churches per capita than anywhere on earth.  Also Dallas has more strip clubs per capita than anywhere.  Two plus two equals a double standard.

Sharon: . . . understand that we have a moral code here.
Amanda:  Moral code.  Okay. . . . discuss it over lunch.  We'll go to Neiman's . . .

Carlene:  How dare you call me a bitch!
Amanda:  How dare you call yourself a Christian.
Carlene: . . . go back to where you came from.
Amanda:  . . . stupidity and hypocrisy are everywhere.  It's just a shame I have to live across the street from ground zero.

Amanda:  Mother! [gave her car, half of Neiman's, which was returned, and now a gift card with almost $100,000 on it in its stead]
Gigi:  I know I make you crazy.  I know I'm out of control.  I know I push too hard.  But you know that I am not going to stop.  And whether you agree with my methods or not, I did raise you.  And you are magnificent.
Amanda:  I love you.  You are crazy as an outhouse rat, but I love you.
Gigi:  BTW, if you're not going to use this [the Neiman's gift card], I feel confident that the Good Lord would like me to have a new fur coat.  God often speaks to me through Christian Dior.

New weekly Church sign:  Hell Hath No Fury


Carlene's Intro:  . . .  Amanda's the devil herself.  Us girls aren't too pleased to see the former head cheerleader/devil queen [back in Dallas].  She's claimed she's changed her ways.  Her first week back, she's already kissed my best friend's husband . . . took a job at a booby bar . . . and humiliated me and my beloved . . . just because we own the place.  Now, how many sins is that right there?  You do the math.

Ripp (to Carlene):  There is nothing in this book (Bible) that says we can't own a booby bar.

Gigi (to Amanda):  Well, as fashion-forward as they might be in . . . Uzbeckistan (phonetically spelled), I don't want you buying clothes for my grandchildren at a store that sells lettuce.

Amanda (to Gigi): . . . acting like a mother from some Tennessee Williams play.

NOTE:  The whole tie-licking scene at church between Sharon and her hubby, Zach, is hilarious.  You gotta see it to appreciate it.

Amanda (to the gaggle of Carlene, Cricket, Heather and Sharon):  Ladies, I think what Carrie Underwood's telling us (in her song Jesus Take the Wheel) is how Jesus steers us through those tough times in life.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Phil. 4:13.  I am looking forward to your songs every week, Carlene.  God bless y'all. [Walks off.  Then so does Heather.]
Cricket (to Carlene):  Well, well, well.  Carlene, I think Amanda just out-Christianed you.

Cricket [about her "new" refashioned eatery]:  Everyone's still eating lard.

Gigi:  Borrowing a bag will not destroy your dignity.
Amanda:  Thank you.  [Looks inside purse.]  You have a gun in your purse.
Gigi:  It's Texas.  You never know when you might need one.  Here [reaching into desk drawer], this one's a little more you.
Amanda:  You have two guns?  Mother, what are you scared of?
Gigi [reaching into wall cabinet, and cocking a rifle]:  Not a damn thing.

Carlene:  Relax, Cricket.  Cleavage helps your cross hang straight.

Carlene (for TV camera):  My personal charity:  For Children With Something.

Carlene (to Amanda):  I have been saved.   I have a wonderful spiritual husband who wants 'em where he can see 'em [her breasts].

Laura (to Amanda):  We made a shop stop at Neiman's on the way to school.  Gigi has a key.

Gigi (at a taste testing for her luncheon):  No.  Too sweet and fruity.  It's more of a breakfast wine.

Gigi:  The kids wanted them [before-school purchases from Neiman's].
Amanda:  Then you tell the kids no.  Nobody told me no and that's why I was so awful.
Gigi:  That was your father's fault.
Amanda:  Nobody ever set limits for me.
Gigi (to Heather seated silently next to her):  Father.
Amanda:  I was spoiled rotten.
Gigi (again to Heather):  Father.
Amanda:  And I'm not gonna let that happen to Will and Laura.
Gigi:  Fine!

Gigi:  Why are you dressed like Mother Goose?
Amanda:  Carlene . . . changing her image [re booby bar, with new cover-up-everything uniforms created by Amish designer].

Amanda (to Heather):  I left town.  She had no one to smother.  She took you under her wing.  I love that.

Amanda (to Heather):  No.  I'll talk to Carlene.  This is my gunfight at the not-okay corral.

Zach:  I'm gonna start working out with Blake next week.  Have you see the abs on that guy?
Sharon:  Not since Mardi Gras.

Fire Marshall:  . . . blocking emergency exit.
Ripp: . . . Son, when I pitch a tent, it stays up till I want it to come down.
Fire Marshall:  Rich people.

Cricket:  [If Blake had] Another woman?  I'd burn that ranch down to the ground and make that stud a gelding.

Amanda:  I have a big problem.  My daughter.
Gigi:  Join the club.

Amanda (to Gigi):  I don't need to accept your help.  I need you to accept me.

NOTE:  I love the Garden and Gun magazine featured two or three times in this show!

Carlene:  Fidelity Pledges [for the booby bar].  If you want a lil something on the side, try our onion rings.

Ripp:  I make the decisions [re booby bar].
Carlene:  If you're trying to turn me on, it's working.

New booby bar quotation on back of original uniforms:  My cup runneth over.

Gigi (to Amanda in booby bar):  I am so proud of you.

* * *

And, of course, for those of you with cable, GCB is on ABC on Sunday (of course!) nights at 9PM (CST).  Enjoy!  The rest of you will be like me . . . waiting, breath held, until Hulu.com releases the next airing.  Can't wait!

Okay, that's only SOME of my list of favorite lines garnered from my multiple viewings of GCB.  What's yours?

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