Quote of the Day

more Quotes

Sunday, April 29, 2012

GCB Quotes from Episode Six, "Turn the Other Cheek"

If you are as addicted to this show as I am, you've noticed some things.  First, Dallas women wear more than one necklace and multiple bracelets.  Second, they are always "dressed" including makeup and earrings and heels.  Third, Sharon is the eternal little girl, no matter how grown-up she may be in years.  Fourth, Cricket is the career-driven overachiever with her feminine side totally locked down, while her husband is the emotional one with maternal instincts.

And it all works!

Here are more golden nuggets from this latest episode of GCB [BEWARE:  There is some "language" in this episode]:

* * *

Ripp (to Carlene):  God forgives you, kitten.  We’re all sinners.

Carlene (about Amanda and Luke):  Just look at them.  She drives men to drive off cliffs and he has terrible taste in women.  Who am I to say they aren’t meant for each other?
Ripp (to Carlene):  You get so full of love around vow-renewal time.

Sharon:  . . . can handle the massive responsibilities that come with matron of honorship.
Pastor:  Don’t you just walk down an aisle?
Sharon:  Oh, Lord have mercy, no.  I have planned this thing to perfection.  From the Twelve Oaks picnic . . . to the Burning of Atlanta barbecue reception.
Pastor Tudor:  I’m getting kinda nervous.
Sharon:  All you have to do is read the vows.  I’ll provide your horse and the Confederate uniform.

[I love the scene where Blake talks to Cricket about having another baby in what looks like an informal den area.  Come to find out, it’s their plane!]

Cricket:  I just got off the plane from El Paso.  I require liquor.
Carlene:  Anything wrong?  You look like someone licked the red off your candy.
. . .
Sharon:  Look at my parasol.  It twirls. . . . What did Blake do?
Cricket:  Out of the blue, he tells me he wants another baby. . . . Sharing and caring time is over.

Carlene:  Sharon, I appreciate you leaping to my defense, but I’ve already forgiven Heather for her shocking lapse of judgment.
Cricket:  You should never chose a man over your dear, dear friends.  Especially the kind you date that just come and go.

Amanda:  Hey, listen.  Since you and I seem to be on the verge of hitting it off . . .
Luke:  Well, I think we’re on the verge of hitting it out of the park.
Amanda:  . . . Exactly how close are you and Carlene?
Luke:  . . . I never understand her, but I adore her.

Amanda:  You understand? [why she turned down a date with him to Carlene’s annual vow renewal.]
Luke:  Not really.  But, hey, if you change your mind, I’ll just be right across the street.

Amanda:  How much did you hear?
Gigi:  Well, I must have heard wrong, because you couldn’t have possibly sent away a good man just because you are scared of some blond nitwit in twenty-inch heels. . . . Luke is a doll. Set aside your differences with Carlene . . . Don’t be a chicken.  Cross the road.

Carlene:  Amanda.  I’m sure you’re not here to see me.  (Yelling:) Luke!

Luke:  I’m gonna freak Carlene out and come as Abraham Lincoln.
Amanda:  But he wasn’t in Gone with the Wind.
Luke:  I like breaking the rules.
Amanda:  Me too.  And in the spirit of that, I’ve changed my mind.  I’d love to be your date on Saturday night.

Carlene:  Absolutely not.  You have to stand up with me [at Carlene’s seventeenth annual vow renewal].  You’ll be my only family in attendance.  Aunt Bitsy’s dead.  Uncle Burl’s in unincorporated Juarez.  And Mama and Daddy have a bridge game.

Cricket:  A lady hates when a man upsets her plan.  Today’s sophisticated and dynamic woman decides and accepts what her life is going to be.  It’s not fair for someone to just walk in there and rip it to hell just because he has a penis.

Amanda:  On second thought, I may sit this one out.  You just call me when the circus leaves town.

Luke:  I have been to sixteen of these monkey scratches. . . . You make your choices.  I make mine.

Sharon (to Amanda):  Chapter 17 in the Matron of Honor Manual.  Avoiding a buffet of death.

Amanda:  Hosting in Dallas is very different than California.
Gigi:  I’m sure.  Here we’re known for our manners.

Amanda:  Look at Carlene . . . almost human.
Gigi:  You know, darling, have you ever considered that she’s actually capable of a generous gesture where you are concerned?  That she's really trying to embrace the idea of you and her brother?
Amanda:  No.
Gigi:  Me either.

Carlene:  It’ll be a welcome addition to my collection of sacred statuary.

Amanda:  The White House doesn’t have this much protocol.

Amanda:  I already destroyed the bridal shower with a battery-operated, remote-control marital aid called Jack the Ripper.

Amanda:  . . .this overnight bachelorette . . . like an all-girls’ vacay.
Luke:  How bad can that be?

Cricket’s pilot:  Ladies, remember to stow all your firearms during takeoff and landing.

Sharon:  Oh, heavens. It looks like someone didn’t read all the way through to page 526 in the manual.

Amanda:  Hunting?  Why hunting?
Carlene:  To shoot us up something tasty.  Serve it at the reception.
Cricket:  . . . good exercise.  Why should the men have all the fun killing things?

Amanda:  Seriously, you’re waiting on Cruella de Vil?  [NOTE:  This is how both the song and the character are spelled per YouTube, IMDB, Disney and various lyrics websites.]
Heather:  . . . Besides it ain’t that different from you being Carlene’s Slave of Honor to make Luke happy.
Amanda:  Stones, glass houses.  I get it.

Carlene:  Does this gun make me look fat?

Sharon [sticking a finger through a hole in the vest Amanda is currently wearing]:  Granddaddy Bo’s hunting vest.  Thank God you can live with only one lung.

Sharon:  I can skin a rabbit faster than any woman in Dallas.  It was my talent in the Miss North Texas Pageant.

Sharon (to Amanda):  He’s taken a different date to Carlene’s vow-renewal ceremony sixteen years straight.  Not a single repeat appearance.  And then he dumps every single one of them within two weeks of the ceremony.  . . . But maybe seventeen is your lucky number.

Carlene (to Amanda):  Howdy, hunting partner.  You ready to bond with bullets?

Heather:  Oh, God.  What is this?
Cricket:  Urine of the doe in heat.  My gift to Carlene is the trophy buck of a lifetime.  Poor thing desperately needs a statement piece of taxidermy in her dining room. . . . Spray me with the human scent neutralizer.

[This whole hunting section is hilarious with the girls’ designer hunting gear and all bedecked in their jewels and makeup and manicures!  Oh, and don’t forget Carlene’s camouflaged Bible.]

Amanda:  I‘m not gonna kill anything.
Carlene:  Of course you’re not, sugar.  We can’t be all mighty hunters before the Lord.

Amanda:  . . . Luke and his harem of dates to your vow renewal.  . . . The curse?  You can do better than that. . . .
Carlene:  I will not stand here and be accused of sins I did not commit.  I swear on this hunter’s Bible . . .
Amanda:  Fine.  I’ll leave.  Enjoy yourself.  Don’t get eaten by a bear.
Carlene:  Leave the gun.
Amanda [dropping the gun, which then goes off].
Carlene:  Owww!  I’ve been shot!

Heather:  Come on, Cricket.  A baby would be wonderful.
Cricket:  Fire up your uterus and you have one.  Mine is closed for business.
. . .
Cricket:  If you have to cry, put this deer caller in your mouth.
Heather:  . . . Alexandra’s a shining example of Dallas womanhood. . . .Blake fills in the gaps for you and you for him.  That’s what makes y’all such a great team.  I’d give anything to have that.  . . . [Cricket won’t kill the deer] Don’t tell me you’re not maternal.

Doctor:  If Job had taken two of these, he wouldn’t have suffered.

Cricket:  Carlene will never be able to wear her pink Chanel romper again [because of the gunshot wound now in her left buttock].

Carlene (to Luke):  You mean our original marriage license, the binding contract, that defines and defends marriage, you lost it?
Luke:  [nods]
Carlene:  So, Ripp and I aren’t really married? [faints away]

Luke:  Technically it was nineteen.  Three bailed in route to Dallas and I found replacements in the airport bar. . . . I’m feeling really good about my twentieth.  She seems like a keeper.  . . . I dated around . . . I’m not that guy anymore.

Amanda:  It seems like kind of a big change to make in a year. . . . I don’t want to be hurt by a player.

Ripp (to Carlene):  The marriage license is just a sheet of paper.  It doesn’t mean we’re not married in the eyes of the Lord.

Carlene (on pain medicine, slurs her speech):  I’m very stoned.  I can get still stoner by the end of the day. . . . [Amanda’s] a pale-faced, Minnie-Mouthed ninny.  And I hate her. . . . There is no ceremony.  There’s nothing to renew.

Gigi:  Now, darling.  You are not the first person to think about shooting Carlene Cockburn.  You’re just the first person to do it.
Amanda:  Mama, I’m not in the mood today.
Gigi:  Am I to believe all this sulking is over the loss of that “friendship”?  Or is there something else going on here?
Amanda:  Luke and I had a fight.
Gigi:  That’s perfectly normal for a new couple.  Just make sure you settle it the Dallas way.  He begs for forgiveness--you get jewelry.
Amanda:  . . . Man, did I step into it. . . He’s gone.
Gigi:  Oh, please, you’re too fantastic to leave for long. . . .
Amanda:  How do you apologize for shooting someone?
Gigi:  That is an etiquette conundrum that you will not find in Emily Post.  I know--I have Dick Cheney’s number someplace.

Cricket:  Blake, the world as we know it may be over.  Carlene’s marriage might not be legal.
Blake (laughing with Cricket):  How’s she taking it?
Cricket:  Like Scarlet after Rhett bailed.

Cricket (to Blake):  As you know, I am keenly aware of my lack of maternal instinct. . . . Sad, barren Heather showed me light.  Just before I was about to take down a deer.  I am not afraid to have children with you. . . . You are my trophy buck of a lifetime.  You know that?

Carlene:  What are those?
Amanda:  Apology hydrangeas?  My mother thought they’d be appropriate for some reason.  Cheney was no help.

Carlene:  Do you have any idea what it's like knowing your whole marriage is a lie?
Amanda:  Actually, yeah.  I do.

Carlene:  Ooh, the top tier to my wedding cake.  Ripp and I were going to feed it to each other—naked—on our twentieth anniversary.  Feed it to the poor!

Amanda (finding original marriage license):  Holy matrimony!

Amanda (to Angus Horvath, county clerk employee):  I need a teeny, tiny favor.  See, there was a terrible miscarriage of justice seventeen years ago.  Only you can make things right.  I need you to file this marriage license retroactively. . . .
Angus:  All right.  Show me your tatas.
Amanda:  What?
Angus:  Your boobies.

Cricket:  This is ridiculous.  Grown women do not wear bows.
Carlene:  They do when it’s my blessed day.

Heather:  Thank you.
Cricket:  Don’t mention it.  Ever.

Sharon:  We’ve been best friends forever and to have you pass me up, year after year [for the last sixteen years], as your matron of honor, starts to make a girl feel like she’s not good enough.
Carlene:  . . . I may sparkle, honey, but you shine.
Sharon:  . . . I may still have my Melanie Wilkes’s hoop skirt in the car.
[Love the closing shot of this scene that pans over to Cricket and Heather, both drinking, but look again.  Heather had TWO glasses, one in each hand.  Ha!]

Carlene:  I guess I owe you a thank-you for saving the day, and my marriage.  Even if it was sorta your fault in the first place.
Luke:  Don’t thank me.  Amanda’s the one who showed her breasts to a vindictive troll on your behalf.
Carlene:  That’s truly a sin.  At least you were using your boobies for good and not for evil.  This time.

Carlene:  Oh heavens no.  Don’t be silly.  You’re wearing jeans.
Luke:  It’s just a vow renewal.
Carlene:  It’ll ruin the whole theme.

Amanda:  Maybe we could look beyond who we used to be and just focus on who we are now.
Luke:  You know why I call you ladybug?  Because they eat other bugs for lunch.  I know who you are, Amanda Vaughn.  And I’m quite all right with it. 
[Gone with the Wind theme song playing in background as they kiss, simultaneously while Ripp and Carlene kiss after renewing their vows.]

My Blog's First Anniversary Coming Up!

On May 3, 2011, I started this blog.  I posted eighty-four times in 2011.  Counting this entry, ninety articles make up my 2012 creations herein--already exceeding last year's total.

I had no idea how fulfilling blogging would be to me, or I would have begun much sooner.  I love sharing the wonderful books I've read, writing tips, quotations and other inspirations such as the stats from fellow authors.  It is all good.  Represents what I seek from others.

And proves what is said about you learn as you teach others.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Update re J. J. Virgin Elimination Diet

It is Day 16 for me of the 28-day program outlined by J. J. Virgin.  I've done amazingly well giving up all sugar, all fake sugars, all corn (no matter how disguised in foods), all gluten, all dairy (a tough one), eggs (but what do I eat for breakfast?), peanuts (easy), soy (easy, but watch out for it appears in almost everything).

Since I'm going from free info gathered off the Net, I'm not sure about her take on Stevia in the Raw and/or fruit.  But in my book, both are allowed.

My cravings are gone.  Already.

Days 5 and 7 were filled with extra bathroom trips.  Don't know why.  But instead of what were the normal hourly interruptions due to the intake of eighty or more ounces of water on top of my coffee addiction, it seemed to recur every twenty minutes.  Probably not that often, as I wasn't timing it, but still . . . it was A LOT.  Thankfully that has toned down ever since.

Day 14 and I woke to a flatter belly.  Overnight.  Weird, but much appreciated.

I've lost about 3.5 inches total from various points on my body since beginning this program.  Nice--and seems to be continuing.

I've also shed about 10 pounds (I understand that's the equivalent of one dress size--Wahoo!), but with my old-timey scale on a not-so-flat surface and starting off heavy with the needle between 3 and 5 instead of 0, who really knows the exact amount?

This is without the aid of exercise although, now that it is spring, I am doing yard work.  Still I hope to add in some aerobics on an every-other-day schedule, once my current writing project settles down a bit.

Anyway, I'm just happy to see downward movement on inches and pounds.

Unhappily, temptation arose in the form of a fruit pizza recipe today.  Grrr.  But nothing will deter me from completing the full 28-day cycle to rid my body of toxins.  Then I understand I add back in one element at a time to see if my body reacts with allergic sensitivities.

My only decision at this time is:  Should I start with cream in my coffee again or go straight to the dessert pizza?  Ha!

P.S. Copy editor disclaimer: Per CMS(15) Rule 8.6, initials have periods (and spaces when used with the whole last name like "J. J. Virgin" or no spaces when just the first two initials like "J.J." or no periods at all when three initials, like JJV or JFK or LBJ). Which explains what I've done above.  However, J.J.'s preference is no periods, no spaces, as in "JJ" per her own site. FYI. 

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Regina Brett's List of Forty-five of Life's Best Lessons (and Five to Grow on)

Here's Regina Brett's link for her column in The Plain Dealer:  http://blog.cleveland.com/pdextra/2007/09/regina_bretts_45_life_lessons.html

And here is a duplicate in its entirety.

* * * 
Published: Thursday, September 20, 2007, 2:03 PM     Updated: Wednesday, October 28, 2009, 9:49 AM
Originally published in The Plain Dealer on Sunday, May 28, 2006

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.

It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

* * *

Thank you to Regina Brett for writing such an insightful ode to life.  As a columnist for The Plain Dealer, you can see more of her writings there.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

So Don't Quit Today

This wonderful, timely yet eternal quote is courtesy of Mary Morrissey.  See her complete post here: http://marymorrisseyblog.com/mary-morrissey/dont-give-up-by-mary-morrissey/.

And thanks to Mary, that was just another God wink (a heavenly confirmation) for me to continue on my creative path.  To sally forth.  To stand firm.

To never give up.

The Cat Manual: Advice for Cats, by Cats Written by Michael Ray Taylor

One of my friends loaned me this book, written from the cat's point of view, which I just devoured in about an hour.  A humorous look at cats and their servants (or suckers), the human.  Great essays include Medications, Waking the Human, (Outdoor) Gifts for the Family, among others.

For all you cat lovers out there, enjoy this one.

And it proves, once again, that writing should be fun!

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Thank You, Amazon and Barnes & Noble

If you have been reading my posts for a while, you know I'm one-hundred-percent Indie.  Which is my choice.  Up to me.

My CPs are actively seeking representation and a contract.  Their choice.  Up to them.  I support them wholeheartedly.  I just don't choose to follow their particular path.

I freelance for a large traditional publishing house.  Again, my decision.  Which was a no-brainer as this was one of my dreams come true.  What a wonderful way to earn money--reading books!  Making them grammatically better.  Checking facts because, yes, even in fiction, they have to be correct.  My skills easily transported from my first career to my second (and final) one.

So consider me Switzerland.

But as an Indie-pubbed author, I have to thank outlets like Amazon and Barnes & Noble for giving me such a wonderful (and huge) place to dock my boat in the sea of commerce.

As a starving artist/book lover/fiction fanatic/nonfiction addict, I support Amazon's efforts to keep digital book pricing lower.  I know the book price greatly influences my buying decisions.

I don't pretend to know everything about the recent DOJ investigation but, from what I've read, Amazon served both authors and readers, standing up for them. So . . .

Thank you, Amazon and Barnes & Noble!  Without you, my second career would be a bust and I wouldn't be doing what I love and I wouldn't be working for the best boss ever in the whole wide world--me!

Monday, April 23, 2012

Take Action

Two daily newsletters that I get have merged to become this post.  The gist of both is this:

Take action.

The first one I received from Mary Morrissey.  She speaks of going twenty-one days without complaining.  To take corrective action as you see fit instead.  Here's the link for this one:  http://marymorrisseyblog.com/mary-morrissey/complaint-free-by-mary-morrissey/,

The second one I received from the Nightingale-Conant people.  The article was entitled "Communicate Effectively — Keep It Simple; Make It Clear" and written by Zig Ziglar.  Here's the link to it: http://www.nightingale.com/Newsletters/513.aspx?promo=INLA513N#continue.

I'm pulling out one complete paragraph from within the above-referenced Zig Ziglar article on communication, which follows.
Sometimes we communicate without saying even one word.  When Benjamin Franklin lived in Philadelphia, he recognized the need for street lights, but things were different in those days, and city governments did not have budgets to light streets.  Franklin took action and erected a beautiful post in front of his home with a lantern on top.  At dusk he lit the lantern but said nothing to anyone about it.  After three or four nights, a neighbor followed suit, then another.  Soon the whole street was lighted, and it spread across town.  Franklin’s example sent a simple but effective message and demonstrated again that example is the best teacher.
I love that excerpt.  It shows the power of one.  Of the individual.  Each of us counts, singularly and as part of a group.

Couple these two insights with a quote by Dr. Philip E. Humbert which I found this week at his website http://www.philiphumbert.com:  "Being busy is not the same as being productive" and I just had to share them all.

Make this and every day count.  Take action.

Why Don't You . . .

I envy Europeans for their love of life and food and midafternoon naps and wine and . . . all that makes one smile.  Yet costs very little.  Here's some ideas to bring that European mind-set to temper our American workaholism:

1.  Have a picnic.  Inside, outside, lobster or PB&J, enjoy every bite.  Sit outside at your favorite spot.  If inside on a chilly winter day, before a lit fireplace and watch the light dance or, if it is Christmastime, in front of the jeweled tree.  Eat slowly, enjoy conversing with your lunch buddy.  Maybe have grape juice or purple Kool-Aid in a wine glass to make it special.

2.  Eat by candlelight.  Again, it can be over steaks or scrambled eggs.

3.  Take a leisurely soak in the tub.  Complete with bubbles and fragrant body oils and light those special candles you keep saving "for a holiday or other celebration" and take your favorite drink with you and that book you've been meaning to read and set aside an hour.  Remember to add the bath pillow!

4.  For you ladies, designate each day of the week for a beauty ritual or other pampering.  Like a manicure on Mondays, a pedicure on Tuesdays, a face mask on Wednesdays, a seaweed wrap on Thursdays, a baking soda bath to detox on Fridays, an exfoliation on Saturdays, and for Sundays, how about the Doris Day soft-hands-and-feet technique?  Slather on your favorite cream or oil and don cloth gloves and cotton socks and sleep on it.

5.  For those of you lucky enough to own a hammock, use it!  We are being hit hard in my neck of Texas with mosquitoes and I serve as a mosquito warning alarm.  I know when the first one hits our area.  So, if you share this tendency with me, don the Avon Skin So Soft lotion or, like my stepdad, take sulphur shots from your doctor.

6.  Spend at least fifteen minutes outside in the sunny atmosphere of your backyard or a local park.  Sit and drink coffee.  Read a chapter from a book.  Feed the birds or ducks.  Try to relax for at least ten minutes before you jump up to weed your yard.  I'm still working on that.

7.  Take a walk after meals.  Even a leisurely stroll with a friend gets the digestion moving along.  Plus there is something so basically therapeutic about being out of doors.  Fresh air, sunshine, even dirt all have their health benefits, for body and mind and emotions.

8.  The Bible speaks of not letting your anger continue after the sun goes down.  That gives the devil a foothold.  Remember, Jesus got mad--he overturned the moneychangers' tables in the synagogue.  He called the pharisees "white-washed tombs."  But He never sinned, so he must have released His anger by sundown.  So should we.  Talk to the person who offended you, whether on purpose or not knowingly.  If not, write them a letter and then burn it.  Confession is good for the soul.  Our souls.  Like forgiveness is for us, not the person who wronged us.

9.  Do something you have been putting off.  Just for fifteen minutes.  If it is that horrible stash of trash in your garage, toss as much away in your garbage bins as you can in a quarter hour.  Do this for seven days and you'll be amazed how little time it took to remove that blot from both your home and your mind.

10.  Aim for peace.  When your mind and your actions are in conflict, you cannot have peace.  Make decisions that are in agreement with every level that makes you who you are--your mind, your heart, your soul, your emotions.  You'll enjoy life so much more.

Hope just one, if not more, of these resonates within you and prods you to happier living each day from now on.

How about you?  Any suggestions?

Sunday, April 22, 2012

GCB Quotes from Episode Five, "Forbidden Fruit"

My many thanks to Kim Gatlin for writing such an entertaining dramedy.  Continuing on with the collection of great one-liners (and one-paragraphers and so on), here are my picks from GCB Episode Five entitled "Forbidden Fruit":

Amanda:  You’re driving naked.
Luke:  Well, it’s not against the law.  I had my seat belt on. . . . Clearly I made a big impression.  Look, it’s not a habit.  I just spilled excruciatingly hot coffee in my lap earlier, so I was drying my clothes.  So you’re not my first accident today, but you are the prettiest. . . . I’m amazing.

Sharon [to Pastor Tudor]:  I’m having so much fun learning how to type. . . . I’m up to twelve words a minute.

Ripp:  Nothing quite says Welcome to Texas like a good clean kill shot [at a family-oriented boar hunt]. . . . We’ll smother them [Andrew’s company employees] with Christian fellowship.
Andrew: They’re not all Christians.
Carlene:  Not yet.

Burl [after kissing Gigi at his wife’s funeral]:  Heaven forgive me.
Gigi: Well, I may, but she won’t.  When you join her in Paradise, she’s gonna have your gumballs in her grips for Eternity.

Carlene:  Why are you wearing a choir robe [for Bitsy’s funeral]?
Luke:  Uhm, I lost my pants.
Amanda:  I have your pants.
Carlene:  Wait, just a darn minute.  Why do you have my little brother’s pants?

Luke:  The difference between me and my sister: she’s a judgmental piece of work and I’m just a piece of work.

Gigi:  When Bitsy left this mortal plane, she must have taken your sanity with her. . . . It’s too soon.  Dallas will talk.
Burl:  That’s why I’m taking you to France, darling.  Dallas can’t talk about things they can’t see. . . . Well, I’ve never, ever met a woman who’d turn down a trip to Paris.
Gigi:  Hello, my name is Gigi Stopper.  Nice to meet you.
Burl:  Oh, come on, Gigi. Your husband died eighteen years ago.
Gigi:  And your wife died eighteen seconds ago. . . . Even in second grade when you put the spider in my lunch box, I knew it was because you liked me.  I’m crazy about ya.  Always have been. . . . Come after sundown, under the cloak of darkness.

Cricket:  Sharon has informed us that Pastor Tudor has to drive all the way to the stadium for an intervention.
Pastor:  Sharon, my schedule’s confidential.
Sharon [climbing out from under the table by Pastor Tudor’s legs]:  Don’t worry, Pastor Tudor.  Nobody knows exactly who’s addicted.  It could be anyone on the team.

Cricket [to Carlene]:  Darling, I want you on that stage with me.  Can you play the tambourine?

Luke [carting a dolly full of wine crates]:  Can I come in?
Amanda:  What’s happening from the waist down?
Luke [showing his pants leg]:  I waited until you got home. I’ve been watching your house all morning.
Amanda:  Well, that’s not creepy at all.
Luke:  I’m staying at Carlene’s.
Amanda.  Woo!  I feel so much better now.

Luke:  Sweet.  You’re free tonight.
Amanda:  . . . I should probably think about this.
Luke:  Why?  You totaled my car.  You saw me naked.  I mean I think dinner’s the natural progression of things.  And, hey, there’s a chance that I might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.  Why miss out on that? . . . I’ll drive.

Carlene:  Amanda.  Sweet, cradle-robbing Amanda.  I have tried, unsuccessfully, to get Luke to explain to me why you have possession of his pants, and Ripp says that it is against the law to waterboard immediate family. . . .
Amanda:  In the words of another very famous witch, “You have no power here.”

Heather [to Andrew]: I need power. I’m trying to survive in Dallas. Power’s the social currency.

Zach [talking about son, Bozeman]:  Can’t blame the boy, Shar-bear.  He’s got lady-killing in his blood....
McKinney:  I for one don’t get it.
Sharon: Well, that’s good, sweetheart.  You’re his sister.
[McKinney and Bozeman sneering at each other.]

Boobylicious hostess:  Ooh.  Where did you find this one?
Amanda:  You wouldn’t believe it.
Luke:  I was naked and she hit me.
Boobylicious hostess: We’ve always wondered what you were into.

Luke:  Wait a second.  Are you the one that humiliated Carlene in church about owning this place?  You almost destroyed my sister’s reputation.
Amanda: That’s me.
Luke:  I love you.

Luke [to Amanda while dancing]:  Remember, I’m amazing. [You be my Louisiana, I’ll be your Mississippi, being sung in the background.  Great song.  Great placement.]

Burl:  I’ve done a lot of things with the lights off, but rarely dinner.  Look, look.  There, a full moon I ordered up for you.  Come on out here.
Gigi:  Put that on.
Burl:  You are crazier than a pet squirrel.
Gigi:  Don’t make fun of me.  If anybody was to see us, it would be very bad.

Carlene [on phone with Cricket while she spies on Gigi’s house]:  . . . I’m getting my night vision rifle scope.
Cricket:  . . . Role playing.  Red riding hood.  I know that game.
Carlene:  . . . Amanda Vaughn’s got her forked tongue down my baby brother’s throat.
Cricket:  . . . . Pull up your big girl panties. . . .
Carlene:  You’re right.  I am head of neighborhood watch.

Gigi:  Well, so much for keeping this a secret.
Burl:  Wouldn’t have happened if we were making out under the Eiffel Tower.

Burl [to Luke]:  My heart’s good right now.  Beating real fast. [He elbows Gigi who elbows him back.]

Gigi:  Don’t you dare judge me, missy (with leaves stuck to the back of her red cloak).  I find your behavior appalling.  You end an evening with a gorgeous man with a handshake? What is wrong with you?
Amanda:  Did we just have terrific evenings with really great guys?  . . . We need to celebrate.
Gigi:  Damn straight.  Why the hell don’t you drink?

Sharon:  This is Zach’s mess and he can clean it up.

Carlene [to Amanda on the phone]: Blackmail isn’t even mentioned in Proverbs 6.  But this isn't even blackmail.

Amanda:  Wow.  I’m not sure Burl should see you looking so fine.  He’s got a heart condition, you know.
Gigi:  It doesn’t hurt to raise a man’s heart rate a little bit.

Amanda:  Some solar panels at his wind farm, they’re not working.
Gigi:  Probably because it’s night. . . .  Has he hurt you already? . . . I can’t go out unescorted with a recent widower.  How would that look?
Amanda:  To make the spinster daughter be the chaperone?  What does that look like?
Gigi:  Love and support. Go get dressed. The invitation said casual.  Which means simple and tasteful.  No diamonds bigger than your head.

Carlene (and Cricket):  Heather.  Cute, in-over-your-head Heather.  We just want you to know that we forgive you for your bizarre reverse decision to ban us from the stage.

Cricket [to Heather]: I mean, how much longer can that voice [of Carlene’s] last?

[Sheryl Crow performing!]

Zach [to Pastor Tudor about Sharon]:  Can you turn her around and head her back home?

Sharon:  Zach!  You thought I was attracted to the pastor?  Ooh, I can’t believe you.  That is just so wrong.  Talk about your HOV lane to hell.  I mean, no one, no one, should ever, ever be attracted to a minister.
Pastor Tudor:  Well, I hope that’s not the case.

Andrew:  Did you try the truffled crab cakes?
Heather:  Do I look like I eat?

Gigi [to Carlene]:  I smell a big ole outhouse rat.

Gigi [to Amanda]:  I know that look in your eye.  The one when you’re happy?  Hadn’t seen that lately.  But I saw it when you were with him. . . . . [Carlene's blackmail scheme] if you dumped the brother she doesn’t want you dating. . . . But, by God, I think we can both have our beefcake and eat it too.

Gigi’s announcement:  There’s a time for rules and manners.  But there’s also a time to be honest and just grab the bull by the horns and do what you want to do, no matter what people might think.  Now, well now is one of those times [and kisses Burl in front of the fundraising crowd at church].

Sharon [to Zach in front of their kids]:  I think it’s time for bed.  [Both kids slink away.]

Amanda:  I know this was a bumpy start.  And we don’t even live in the same city.  But is there a chance we could just try this again?
Luke:  Sure.  Hey, you might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  Can’t pass that up.
Amanda:  I’m kinda amazing, too.
Luke:  I never settle for anything less.

Additional GCB Quotes from Episode Four, "A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing"

Upon further review, I found a few more cute lines from this episode, as follows:

Zach [to Pastor Tudor]:  You know how hard I work, to sell Lamborghinis in this market?
Sharon [to Pastor Tudor]:  You should try feeding this human garbage disposal for seventeen years.

Amanda:  Why do you need moral support, Mama?  You and Burl are besties.
Gigi:  Well yes.  But Bitsy's just a horse's ass.

Blake:  She always surprises me.  That's why I love her [Cricket].

Sharon [to Zach]:  Stand on up and get your own drink.

Additional GCB Quotes from Episode Three, "Love is Patient"

This episode expires in eleven hours on Hulu so I watched it again.  And here's some cute lines I missed from the first post:

Gigi [to Pastor Tudor]:  You'll have to excuse my daughter.  She's a lil' prickly because she's an old maid.

[Love the forlorn music playing in the background as Amanda reads her "goodbye" letter from Bill.]

Ripp:  Just wish I could figure out why my bit won't drill.

Carlene:  I'm gonna slip into something less biblical.

Carlene:  Who has secrets?
Ripp:  We all do, darling.  We all do.

Carlene:  South America is full of people who've faked their own deaths.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Oops! More Quotes from GCB Pilot

I cleaned off my desk this morning and found more handwritten notes of quotes from the GCB Pilot that were not included in my original post of same.  So here they are:


Amanda (to her California attorney):  My mother is a meddling, overbearing, smothering nightmare.

Sharon:  My Bible’s in my other purse.

Carlene:  Of course she’s single, Sharon.  Most widows are.

Carlene:  Ladies, it is not appropriate to speak of such things on the phone.  I’ll see you in church.

Gigi:  Dallas and southern California have the same weather without the liberals.

Will:  Grandma, I mean Gigi, do you have internet?
Gigi:  Why would I?  I don’t watch porn.

Gigi:  Nobody can turn grief into a six-percent commission better than Heather [RE agent].

Amanda:  I’ve been sober for eighteen months, Mother.
Gigi:  Why?

Amanda (to son, Will):  You know?  Whatever awful things your father did, he was a really good dad and that’s the only memory worth keeping.  I love you.

Amanda:  I encourage them [my children] to find their own spirituality.
Gigi:  Cut the commie crap.  My grandchildren are going to church so they can go to heaven.  End of story.  Amen.

Carlene (to Amanda):  Well, darling, we all hope you’re here for good.  And not evil.

Amanda:  OMG, she’s [Carlene’s] praying for me.
Gigi:  See, people around here really care.

Heather:  She’s [Amanda] not even gonna be able to afford indoor plumbing [on her living allowance authorized by the Feds while they investigate her because of her husband’s Ponzi scheme and embezzlement.]
Carlene:  Jesus didn’t have it.

Heather [to Amanda, while searching for a house]:  Don’t worry.  They don’t allow takeoffs and landings between midnight and four a.m.

Ripp:  Where the heck are you, kitten?
Carlene:  I’m going to be a little late, precious.
Ripp:  You sound upset.  What’s wrong?  What can I do?  How can I help?
Carlene:  Well, I had to get some body work done and they messed up my colon. [walking over to mechanic and now speaking to him.]  Darling, it’s John 3:16.  The colon goes between the three and the sixteen.  [walking away and now whispering to her husband:]  I don’t think he’s Christian.

Heather (to Amanda):  But should you decide to have some (cosmetic) work done, always check the car the doctor drives.  If it’s a Ferrari, hire him.  If it’s a pickup, it means he lost a lawsuit.

Amanda (saying her prayer out loud at church):  Count your blessings . . . how blessed we all are.  Our homes, families, friends.  The blessing of forgiveness.  For we all need to forgive and be forgiven.  Personally, I have been blessed with a second chance.  To start over.  To do better . . . Thankful to have a job.  At Boobylicious.  I’m grateful to my employer, The Kitten Corp.  Which is a wholly owned subsidiary of Cockburn Unlimited.  God bless Ripp and Carlene Cockburn.

Amanda [to her mother, after her public prayer and embarrassment of Carlene]:  I’m thinking I kinda like this church stuff.

Friday, April 20, 2012

GCB Quotes from Episode Four, "A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing"

I wish I could have written this wonderful dramedy that the TV series is based on.  Even better, that I had Kim Gatlin’s sense of humor.  I bet she had lots of fun writing her book.  I'm going to keep that in mind as I write my next one.  Regardless, I can relax and soak up each show. 

I hope you have enjoyed my previous posts gathering quotes from each of the GCB episodes.  Here’s my collection of favorites from Season 1, Episode 4, entitled “A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.”

 * * *

Amanda:  Hi, so sorry I’m late.
Gigi:  This is what you’re wearing?  Slacks?  To church?
Amanda:  Seriously, I think God just wants us to show up.  I don’t think He minds what we wear.
Gigi:  Well, that’s fine.  Unless you mind everybody else thinking you’re a lesbian.
Amanda:  I wore pants because I tripped over a keg in the ladies’ room at Boobylicious and I bruised my shin on a toilet.
Gigi:  What a pretty story. . . .  Open-toed shoes?  Oh my God, no.  We’re going in the side door.

Landry:  Check out the caboose on Laura Vaughn’s mama.
Carlene:  Landry, watch the locker-room language, please.  A bunular display like that is precisely why a lady never wears pants in church.

Gigi:  That is Carlene’s Uncle Burl.  . . . . He’s one of the finest, kindest people you’d ever hope to meet.  His wife, Bitsy, is not.
Burl:  Gigi, come over here and break my neck.
Gigi:  Oh, Burl. Welcome back!  Dallas hasn’t been the same without you.  [pause]  You either, Bitsy.

Amanda:  I didn’t realize I broke a commandment.  Thou shall not wear slacks to church.
Blake:  Ooh, yeah.  Traditional dies hard around here.
Amanda: You know, I consider myself a strong, very secure, independent woman, fierce even.  So why can a little bit of criticism from my mother still slam me so hard?
Blake:  Because she matters.  And deep down, you care.

Blake:  Hey.  Get back here.  Come on.  Girl, ain’t nobody drives a pair of pants like you do.

Amanda:  It’s harder for a woman to find the right pair of jeans than it is to find the right man.

Pastor Tudor:  Zach, [for the next week] you look after McKinney.  You’re in charge of the house, the cooking and the cleaning.
Zach:  Well, how do I know what to tell the maid to do?  I don’t even know her last name.

Carlene:  Ooh, denim.  That probably does work good for you.
Amanda:  Why are you here?  I mean, hi.
Carlene:  Ripp was insisting that we bury the hatchet and he’s always right.  So I thought I’d bring Chardonnay and a heartful of Love Thy Neighbor.
Amanda:  Why can no one remember that I don’t drink anymore?
Carlene:  Oh, Amanda, Amanda.  I never forget you’re an alcoholic.  Chardonnay’s my nail girl. . . . I am giving you the gift of a pedicure.  After I saw your feet Sunday, I wanted you to be able to wear open-toed shoes with confidence.

Sharon:  Oh, that’s from that big ole Swedish furniture store.  You know, for years I thought that was an airplane hangar.

Blake:  Oh man, setting up a photo shoot and booking all those models last-minute, that’s gonna be tough.
Amanda:  Why?  Dallas is full of models.
Blake:  Yeah, but this job, it’s butt specific.
Amanda:  I got this.  [Dialing her phone.]  Topaz, it’s Amanda.  What are you and the other B-girls doing tonight?  I need some ass.

NOTE:  The whole “dueling” (but wordless) confrontation between Carlene—snooping for financial info for her husband in Gigi’s house—and Gigi, catching her at it, is great.  Watch and smile.

Amanda:  Hey, Blake.  You know you’re one of my only friends here in Dallas, right?  So you don’t have to explain anything to me.  I don’t judge.

Gigi [to Burl]:  No, no.  No.  I’ve been through too much to cry.  My husband’s death.  Family trauma.  Democratic administrations.

Burl:  That’s why I’m asking you . . . .to keep the peace.  For me.
Gigi:  Well I must adore you.  Because the very Lord Himself would not ask this of me.

Carlene:  Now you are talking about breaking Number Eight.
Ripp:  It’s not stealing.  It’s borrowing.

[“Sometimes It Takes Balls to be a Woman” playing in background as Sharon puts together a shelving unit for Pastor Tudor.  Her victory dance is so cute.  Jennifer Aspen is a wonderful actress, getting across the gist of the scene with a look, a pose.  Priceless scene!]

[Photo shoot leaked to Christian website; flak ensues]
Amanda:  Seriously?  They think when we say [Westward] Ho, we mean . . .
Blake:  Hooker, harlot, trollop, wench, tart, floosy . . .
Cricket:   Whore.
Attorney:  This particular photo seems to be the flashpoint.
Cricket:  Well.  Anyone attending church last Sunday could certainly pin the tail on that donkey.
Amanda:  As God is my witness, I’ll never wear pants to church again.
Cricket:  What seems to have caused Booty-gate were posts from a Lord Lover 87 on some religious watchdog blogs known for targeting brands they deem not family friendly.  After that, it just took off.  Spreading like kudzu across the faith-based websites.

Blake [to Amanda, trying to locate person behind Lord Lover 87]:  You make me want to slap my mama.

Burl:  Oh, come on, roll with it, Gigi.  Two Bushes are always better than one.  [Re the costume party Gigi is to host and Bitsy coming as Barbara Bush and asking Gigi to come as Laura Bush.]

Gigi:  Who is that tacky enough to honk out there?
Carlene:  Yes.  I think part of my costume just arrived.  Gigi, be a love, help me feed it.  
Gigi:  Feed it?

Carlene [to Gigi]:  When it comes to theme parties, I go big or I go home.
[This whole watering and feeding the horse (Buttermilk to Carlene’s Dale Evans’ costume) is great and funny.]
Carlene:  I’m actually glad you’re giving the party.  I can tell how much it means to Uncle Burl.

Gigi:  Go back in, you old coot.
Burl:  I thought I’d warned you about tears.
Gigi:  Well, you’ll just have to forgive me.  Just the thought of you dying has put a little crimp in my day.

Bitsy:  I’ve just got such a migraine.
Burl: I better take her home.  They turn her into the wicked witch.
Gigi:  Could I offer an aspirin?  Or a broom?

[Carlene steading Amanda’s computer (between her legs no less, under her dress) and “walking” out of Gigi’s house is LOL funny!]

[Chenoweth is a great physical comedian.  Catching her son on the couch “entertaining” himself with Amanda’s Westward Ho “butt” photo is great.]

Blake:  Daddy Bo’s calling.
Amanda:  What does that mean?
Blake:  Trouble.

Cricket [to her dad on the phone]:  Well, if a son wouldn’t let this happen, I wish you could’ve had one.

Carlene:  God does not want me looking in on just anybody.  Least of all, Amanda Vaughn.
Ripp:  Oh, kitten.  I am your husband.
Carlene:  Yes.  [Stepping onto coffee table to be at eye level with hubby.] There’s one Man who’s orders come before yours.  And I’m gonna talk to Him right now.
Ripp: [wagging figure at wife]
Carlene:  [wagging her finger back at him.]  Excuse me.

Zach (to Sharon in her costume for tonight’s welcome home party for Burl, and Bitsy, over at Gigi’s):  Wow, you are so totally Anna Nicole Smith.

[BTW, Amanda makes a good Farrah Fawcett at the costume party--in her red one-piece bathing suit from the famous poster.]

Amanda [to Andrew for tracing Lord Lover 87 to an unlisted phone number]:  This is so much better than earrings [which he just gave to Heather]. 

[Amanda calls the unlisted number and it rings.  In Gigi’s house.  And Cricket answers.]

Carlene (praying to God in Gigi’s house at the party):  How can I honor my husband when what he wants me to do is wrong?

Carlene:  Bill’s funeral, was it open casket? How did he look?  Did he look like himself?
Amanda:  Yes.  Why, Carlene?
Carlene:  I’m just curious.  I’m always looking for ways to be more lifelike.

Gigi (to Bitsy):  Laura Bush was a librarian.

Gigi:  You know Burl’s not up to a trip like that.  Would you have him die away from home?
Bitsy:  No.  Away from you, my dear. . . . Obviously, you are number one on his bucket list.

Ripp:  Kitten, I would hate for you to think of me as a villain.
Carlene:  Oh, honey, I don’t.  We can’t forget that staying on the path is sometimes better than a short cut.

[Carlene just found out her Uncle Burl sold their joint property to Andrew—even though she wanted it for Condos for Christian Living.  With Heather getting a “nice little” commission.  And earrings.]
Heather:  I love your Dale Evans.  And the horse you rode in on.
Carlene:  And I love your Selena.  Someone shot her, right? [Walks off.]
Andrew:  She seems nice.

Amanda:  Who the heck are you?
Gigi:  My favorite Texan [the theme for her party].  Me!  [Laughing.] I love Laura Bush but her getup was depressing me.
Amanda:  What would you say if I told you that the whole time Cricket was rallying around my idea she was secretly behind all the protests at Westward Ho?  She wanted to keep me from working with Blake so bad she was willing to fall on her own corporate sword.  Even worse, disappoint her father.
Gigi:  Well, on the one hand, I’d say it’s psychotic.  [Smiling to Bitsy as she passes.]  On the other, I’d say it’s not the craziest thing a jealous woman ever did.
Amanda:  Mama, can you keep a secret?
Gigi:  [Eyebrows raised, moves in closer to Amanda]
Amanda:  Blake and Cricket don’t have a traditional marriage.  She wouldn’t be jealous of another woman.  Trust me.
Gigi:  Oh.  So they do have a white marriage.  I’d always wondered.
Amanda:  What’s a white marriage?
Gigi:  It’s when the husband and wife keep their boots on the opposite side of the bed.  If you know what I mean.
Amanda:  Well, if that’s Cricket and Blake’s arrangement, why does she care about me?
Gigi:  Because, their relationship is based on a deep friendship.  From Cricket’s point of view, you are threatening to her.  Trust me.  I know.
Amanda:  What’s going on with you and Bitsy?  I thought you two were playing nice.
Gigi:  Well, I tried.  Till she got the impression that I was moving in on Burl.  [Bitsy in background choking on BBQ rib.]  She’s taking him away from Dallas, you know.  Trying to get him away from my clutches.
Amanda:  I thought you said he wasn’t well enough to travel.  Mama, what are you gonna do?
Gigi:  I don’t know.  I’m in the same spot as you.  He’s not my husband.  [Bitsy still choking in the background.]  You know sometimes the best thing you can do is just say a prayer and step away.
Amanda:  Damn, that Bitsy Lourd is evil.
Gigi: There’s a special place for a woman like that.
[Bitsy falls over dead in Gigi’s dining room.]

Zach:  What happened to your Anna Nicole costume?
Sharon:  Well, that was your idea for my costume, but I had a different one.
Zach:  So now you’re some pink lady?
Sharon:  I’m not just some pink lady.  Mary Kay.
Zach:  The porn star?  She’s not from Texas.
Sharon:  Mary Kay Ash.  The founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics.  A strong and independent Texas woman.

Cricket:  Bitsy dear.  [pause]  Oh dear.

* * *

I’ll be getting more together soon.  Enjoy!

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Henri 2, Paw de Deux - YouTube

I'm still disturbing the peace in my neighborhood, laughing so loud because of this YouTube cat video I've watched three times in the fifteen minutes since I became aware of it.

Here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q34z5dCmC4M&feature=relmfu.

I applaud the creator for the resounding humor.


J. J. Virgin, CNS, CHFS re Food Sensitivities

This is so in line with my immediately previous post, about being healthy in body, mind and soul, that it was a natural segue.  NOTE:  I am a lay person.  No degrees.  Just intensely interested in fitness, health.

J. J. Virgin's bio states she is a member of Mensa, plus has taken many, many doctorate classes from multiple universities.  The CNS stands for Certified Nutrition Specialist and the CHFS as Certified Health Fitness Specialist.

I think her body type is the perfect specimen of health and beauty for women.

Check out her YouTube video re food sensitivities at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_p4nR0ivmPc.  Go to her website at http://jjvirgin.com/ to preview her video about seven hurtful foods in our diet.  Sign up to get instant access to 7 Foods, 7 Days, 7 Pounds.

It is so very interesting.  To paraphrase J.J., anything you love, you crave, you are probably "sensitive" to.  J.J. used to test her clients to see what foods were sabotaging their health.  Then it became evident that the same seven kept showing up.  Here's the list:
  1. Dairy
  2. Eggs
  3. Sugar and Artificial Sweeteners
  4. Gluten
  5. Peanuts
  6. Soy
  7. Corn
And, once you start checking "Ingredients" labels, you will find them in the most absurd places.  Did you know your sunflower kernels contain sugar, MSG, corn syrup solids, soy proteins plus other stuff?  Also "May contain:  milk, wheat."  Even my in-the-shell sunflower seeds "may contain peanuts, tree nuts, milk, soy and wheat."  And my "beef" hot dogs contain corn.

So once you get the above list of seven memorized, you'll be amazed at where they are hidden in our food.  [Here's my mnemonic device = DES (the dangerous pesticide supposedly no longer on the market) + GPS (which we already know) + C--the best I could do, and not needed for long to remember the seven.]

I'm beginning day three as we start off this Sunday and here's my overview of these initial days.

First, a little backstory.  I'm embracing the carb-conscious lifestyle and cutting out carbs all over.  Quite a shock to my digestive system, but wow!  I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many bad carbs I cut from my day.

Shortly thereafter, I went gluten-free, although I get bread cravings and sometimes give in to them.  Like having been totally gluten-free for about a month, followed by a week of eating a delicious artisan "everything" French bread.  But one hundred times better than eating gluten at every meal.

In an earlier post, I documented recently going cream-free with my coffee.  Not a pretty story.

Before both of those food restrictions, I cut out packaged sugars.  I decided if I wanted brownies, it was better to make them myself from scratch at home than to buy them ready made or in a box.  I cut out sodas.  But I was having diet versions as I craved them.  Still, I was doing one thousand times better than previous days.

Also, I'm of the mind that God made perfect foods, not man.  So I stick to the outer perimeter of the grocery store for eighty to ninety percent of my purchases anyway.  I used to go partially organic as my previous career earnings allowed.  Now that I'm freelancing, not so much.  But I'll get back there and beyond.  And soon.  I predict it.

So, up to the present now.  I haven't experienced headaches yet (like I did with my cream withdrawal reaction on the second/third days).  I was a bit sluggish both prior days as my body was probably in shock with all the additional fiber.  My body felt "overly full" because of it too and I'm assuming will recalibrate.  Thank God it was somewhat used to fruits and veggies and beans or this could have been very unpleasant.

That first night, my bladder woke me up four times--four!  I am happy to report that the second night did not repeat this.

As for J.J.'s list, I had already given up soy as there is conflicting info on it and female hormones.  Yet, there it was as I read "Ingredients" labels, still in my foods.  I prefer almonds to peanuts so that was a foregone decision for me (yet again is on the "Ingredients" labels of items I eat).  We've already discussed the gluten and sugar issues.

As for artificial sweeteners, they are cancer-forming, IMO.  There are natural sugars in moderation that don't produce cancer (my opinion here, folks):  Stevia, honey, Xylitol, Somersweet.  Maybe Agave--my jury's still out on that one.  My top two personal favorites are Stevia and honey.

Not sure if J.J. would find the use of Stevia and honey to be by the rules of her seven-foods-to-yank-out-of-our-eating lifestyle.  But, by a literal reading, they are not sugar and are not artificial, so I've got them in my daily repertoire.

Dairy.  My nemesis.  My love.  I'm addicted to all its forms--except milk.  Milk can never be cold enough for me to stomach it.  Unless it is chocolate milk, or strawberry milk or eggnog.  Ha!  So, if you read my earlier posts about my supposed cream allergy, you know I cut back on cheese to indulge in cream in my coffee.  Then cut out the cream for three whole days (misery!) to have it infrequently thereafter.

As a carb counter, we reach for that string cheese instead of chips or bread or doughnuts.  I had done a switch earlier from string cheese to beef hotdogs for snacking (cold, plain, straight out of the refrigerator) and saving those precious dairy servings for my coffee.  So when J.J. said cut the dairy, I realized the full import of that.  Includes butter, right?  My first real acknowledgment of that relationship.  And there goes the cream in my coffee. Again.

Yet this time was easier.  Probably because last time was so recent and much harder.

It was the eggs that got me, though.  As a carb-counter, my breakfast consisted routinely of bacon and eggs.  If I took out the eggs, what was I supposed to replace them with?  Can't use string cheese.  Can't use toast and sugary jam.  Can't have grits or biscuits or even think about Krispy Kreme.  After the initial frantic response, I found several good replacements.

For my new, improved breakfasts, I'm still eating bacon, but now it resembles more of a salad.  A BLT salad (bacon, tomato on a bed of lettuce) or a BLTA salad (a breadless BLT with an avocado).

Or another favorite is the wilted lettuce salad (pouring a warm dressing consisting of bacon fat, vinegar and a touch of Stevia over your greens) with crispy bacon atop.

Also oatmeal is allowed--yippee!  Oatmeal is not a wheat nor does it contain gluten (if my quick internet search is accurate).  So I can have that with Stevia and cinnamon and cloves.

Lunch/Dinner is another salad with tuna (no mayo, as it contains both milk and eggs).  Or sardines on a gluten-free cracker.  Or blackened chicken/fish.  Or a hamburger patty on a bed of lettuce. Side dishes are raw veggies: sliced cukes, wedges of red bell pepper, sliced tomatoes, mushrooms or cooked ones: bok choy, mushrooms, yellow squashes, zucchini, etc.

For snacks, I'm hitting fat-heavy natural foods to help satiate me:  black olives and avocados.  I love 'em both so it works for me.  Find yours.

Again, not sure fruit is allowed on the J.J. seven-foods-restriction diet, but since they are not "sugar" per se, I'm sticking to the berries (strawberries, blueberries, blackberries, raspberries) as they are the lowest in glycemic count.

One other treat that may not be kosher per J.J. is two tablespoons of organic almond butter mixed with one tablespoon honey.  Yum!  BUT if you read the "Ingredients" list on the almond butter, there may be peanuts and soy, plus it has organic unrefined cane sugar (I'm stepping over the line here, I know.  Still, it is ORGANIC and UNREFINED sugar so I'm hoping that makes it a lesser evil).  And today, I'm gonna try to skip my treat.  Fingers crossed!

Thank goodness J.J. didn't say "no coffee" or I wouldn't be in as good a mood as I am now.  I'm back on track with three days of decaf followed by one day of the fully leaded version (my fave!).  I have gotten to where I am loving black coffee again (you have to start with a good bean, though).  And of course, if you read the "Ingredients" labels on your powdered "non-dairy" creamer or your liquid version, both of mine here at home contain milk, soy and corn syrup solids!  Who knew?

My new love--coconut creme "creamer"--contains sugar, milk and soy.  Great for making cold coffee drinks with my leftover coffee from the day before.  I use two tablespoons of the coconut creme (10 carbs) plus five tablespoons of the liquid "non-dairy" creamer (another 10 carbs) and two to three times the coffee to get the right color of lightness.  No sugar needed with the coconut creme.  But, for some reason, I'm okay with not having that for now.

J.J. says to keep this up for twenty-eight days to rid our bodies of these items that it may consider as "toxic" thus attacking with vengeance--resulting in myriad symptoms:  gas, bloating, joint pain, skin problems (even dandruff), mood disorders, weight gain, fatigue, cravings, big appetites.

She also says our cravings will be G-O-N-E.

Leaky gut.  Ever heard of it?  My most recent ND mentioned it, and so had one before.  I can't explain it, but if you are interested, Google it and read all about this subject.

J.J.'s avoid-seven-foods regimen fixes leaky gut.  Resets our body's resistance and tolerance.  I'm not privy to J.J.'s tactics post-twenty-eight days, but I've gleaned a little tidbit here and there.  We slowly reintroduce the "possibly offending" food (for our particular body) and see if any of the symptoms listed above recur. 

However, if our cravings are gone (like my new palate re sugar), it should be easy to incorporate our now refined tastes, so hopefully fewer things eek back in our eating habits--or with less repetition.

Like fresh corn on the cob.  How can that possibly be bad for us?  (In its pure unadulterated form.)  This is spring, after all, with a bountiful crop of luscious foods about to be harvested.  Armed with J.J.'s insight, I will just have it infrequently, but once every four days at the most (as any food allergists would tell you anyway).

BTW, J.J. says a true food allergy is bad--from a facial rash to throat-closing, life-threatening.  A food sensitivity, like we are discussing here, is just too much of a good thing (my parlance).  We need to have more variety in our foodstuffs.

My local Farmers Market opens in May.  Can't wait!  So what if I didn't inherit Daddy's green thumb (sob, sob).  I can take advantage of those nearby who do have the gift.  The Farmers Market is cheaper than organic and better than what is trucked from all over (not fresh) and pesticide riddled (chemicals are not healthy). 

I have not missed my daily dark chocolate fix.  Weird, right?  I've not really missed my doctored-up coffee (as long as I don't look at my three different creamers in my fridge).  I'm enjoying four strawberries for dessert.  Or almond butter with honey for a treat.  Or flavorings in my coffee:  cherry, raspberry, coconut, vanilla.  Without Stevia even.

Additionally, this morning's breakfast salad (the BLTA) was suddenly too big.  I couldn't eat it all.  I snacked on it hours later.  I'm still full as I add in this edit at 1:40 p.m.  Amazing!

So, my preliminary opinion on this particular test of my willpower?  Good to go.  And instead of opting out at the end of the first week, I may go the whole twenty-eight days.  Wow!  What a revelation.

Wish me luck.

P.S. Copy editor disclaimer: Per CMS(15) Rule 8.6, initials have periods (and spaces when used with the whole last name, or no periods at all when three initials, like JFK and LBJ). Which explains what I've done above.  However, J.J.'s preference is no periods, no spaces. FYI.

You Are Your Greatest Asset

You are your greatest asset.  I love that quote, courtesy of Logan Marshall's article for Write to Done:  Unmissable Articles on Writing entitled "Instant Flow:  How to Train Yourself to Think Creatively."  Here's the link:


All the wonderful things I love about Logan's article include:
  • Notice the word "train" in the title?  Yes, authors should train like an athlete.  Our mind, body and soul are connected.  We need to see to the health of all to be fully in creative mode.  Plus haven't you heard the definition of stress/worry as putting your mind and your heart at war?  Internal peace is when our mind, body and soul are in agreement.
  • My new mantra is:  I am my greatest asset.  We should never lose sight of that fact.  Check the Bible:  we are fearfully and wonderfully made in the very image of God.  Check with any scientist:  we are the greatest machine ever created.  We are worth billions when you break us down to our individual parts; just the minerals in our body alone make us priceless.
  • I would alter his first two steps, running and meditation, to fit my personal lifestyle and comfort level.  It would become fast walking and prayerful introspection.  Just my own take on his wise words.
  • His point three:  Eat clean, healthy foods.  Amen.  Let our food be our medicine and medicine our food.  I believe foods as God made them trumps anything man-made every time.  I'd go fully organic if I could.  In the meantime, I eat from the perimeter of the grocery story, where foods don't have "Ingredients" lists with multiple entries and mostly chemical-sounding names.  A banana is a banana.  I buy beef roasts, whole chickens, eggs, bacon, strawberries, roma tomatoes, avocados, etc.  
  • His point four:  Super hydrate.  The first symptom of dehydration is sometimes confused as hunger.  You are really down a quart when you have a dry mouth and are craving water.  If you've gone so far as to have a sick-to-your-stomach feeling, you are one step away from a ride in an emergency vehicle.  I once had an ND tell me to drink reverse osmosis water.  I choose for me, personally, to go with spring water--naturally from the earth as God intended, complete with minerals.  Remember the therapeutic value of soaking in a natural hot spring?  Because of all the body-healing minerals it contains?  I think drinking the cooled equivalent does a body good, IMO.  In the two to three years since I've been going this route, my normally freckled skin is much less so.  Nice!
  • His point five:  Get enough sleep.  I so agree.  For decades I awoke by a dreaded alarm clock.  Hated it.  And for decades wasn't getting what my body wanted--eight full hours of sleep.
The only item I would add to his great plan is to go to bed each night thinking about the most efficient and productive and goal-rendering use of your time for tomorrow.  What two things do I really need to tend to?  Wait for the response.  If you have any snags still pending and thwarting you, ask God for the answer while you sleep.  It works for me.

I'm one of those authors who ponders my new novel in my head for a length of time.  It could be two days.  It could be over two months.  It could be remembering an idea I had in my twenties, wrote into a short story back then and have since lost, but the concept resurfaced.  Maybe I'm to write it now.

So my before-bed activity of planning and seeking is a no-brainer for me.

It is said that all our answers are within.  Any wisdom we may need resides inside us.

There's an old myth told about the gods wanting to hide treasure from God's favorites, his people.  After all, God favors us to his angels, to his animals, to everything else He created.  So the gods sought for a place to hide away this source from God's pet humans.

"In the sky?" one suggested.

"No they will go to the moon and beyond and will find it," another explained.  "How about in the sea?"

"No, their curiosity will have them delving deep into the waters," a third countered.

"What about burying it in the mountains?" a fourth proposed.

"The gold and silver will lure them there," a fifth argued.

There was a long pause as the little gods pondered this.

Finally one spoke up.  "What if we hide it within them--in their heart, their soul, their minds?"

One by one, the other false gods nodded.

"Done," they agreed unanimously.

Worth a bit of time to check it out, huh?

Good luck, athletes!


Thursday, April 12, 2012

A Woman's Place (a western romance) by Josie Malone Released 04.03.2012

 My featured author today writes mainstream western romance under the name Josie Malone for BookStrand and realistic teen fiction under the name of Shannon Kennedy for Black Opal.  She lives in western Washington State on the family farm and riding stable.

Her newest book, A Woman’s Place, a western romance, released April 3, 2012.  Congratulations, Josie!  Here’s the BookStrand link:  http://www.bookstrand.com/a-womans-place.  Coming soon to Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

Read on for more info about the book and its special author.

* * *

Trailing a serial killer, Homicide Detective Beth Chambers is thrust into 1888 Washington Territory where she encounters injured Rad Morgan, a ruggedly handsome marshal who believes A Woman’s Place is behind her man. Now, Beth must save Rad’s life, apprehend the killer, and prove herself capable as a law officer.
Former soldier and survivor of Andersonville Prison Camp, Marshal Rad Morgan faces his toughest challenge in Beth Chambers, a determined woman from the future who’s never learned “her place.”  But when he is shot and left for dead, he must put himself in Beth’s hands if they both want to survive.

Can these two headstrong people put their pride aside and work together to find the deadly killer and stop him before he destroys this world and their future?  As they fight for justice, love helps them discover A Woman’s Place is what and where she chooses to make it.


As a child, I loved to dream away the days in an old cherry tree on my family’s pony farm. In my imagination, the tree became a beautiful Arabian stallion, a medieval castle and even a pirate ship. I got in trouble for making my bratty little sisters walk the plank, but hey, they never broke any bones. On rainy days, I headed for my fort in the hayloft. While the rain thudded on the cedar shingled roof, I read books, eventually trading Carolyn Keene for Georgette Heyer.

Today, I live on the family ranch in the Cascade foothills of Washington state in what was once a summer vacation cabin. It’s been modernized and even has indoor plumbing – woo-hoo! I share it with my two cats or maybe, they share it with me. I still read a lot. The walls are lined with bookshelves and my favorite shopping trip is to Barnes & Noble at the Alderwood Mall in Lynnwood.

I usually write at night once the barn chores are done, after a long day on the ranch. Some days are longer and harder than others, but I still write from 8PM to 2AM every day or is it night?  As a substitute school teacher, I love the summer break but I’m just as busy, since that’s when we do horse day-camp during the week and trail rides, lessons and leasing on weekends.

* * *

In September 2012, look for Black Opal to release a new Shannon Kennedy novel entitled Throw Away Teen.

Josie aka Shannon has other books live on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

No image available for Daddy, Please Tell Me What’s Wrong

Here are the B&N links: