And it all works!
Here are more golden nuggets from this latest episode of GCB [BEWARE: There is some "language" in this episode]:
* * *
Ripp (to Carlene):
God forgives you, kitten. We’re
all sinners.
Carlene (about Amanda and Luke): Just look at them. She drives men to drive off cliffs and he has
terrible taste in women. Who am I to say
they aren’t meant for each other?
Ripp (to Carlene):
You get so full of love around vow-renewal time.
Sharon: . . . can
handle the massive responsibilities that come with matron of honorship.
Pastor: Don’t you
just walk down an aisle?
Sharon: Oh, Lord have
mercy, no. I have planned this thing to
perfection. From the Twelve Oaks picnic
. . . to the Burning of Atlanta barbecue reception.
Pastor Tudor: I’m
getting kinda nervous.
Sharon: All you have
to do is read the vows. I’ll provide your
horse and the Confederate uniform.
[I love the scene where Blake talks to Cricket about having
another baby in what looks like an informal den area. Come to find out, it’s their plane!]
Cricket: I just got off the plane from El Paso. I require liquor.
Carlene: Anything
wrong? You look like someone licked the
red off your candy.
. . .
Sharon: Look at my
parasol. It twirls. . . . What did Blake
do?
Cricket: Out of the
blue, he tells me he wants another baby. . . . Sharing and caring time is over.
Carlene: Sharon, I
appreciate you leaping to my defense, but I’ve already forgiven Heather for her
shocking lapse of judgment.
Cricket: You should
never chose a man over your dear, dear friends.
Especially the kind you date that just come and go.
Amanda: Hey,
listen. Since you and I seem to be on
the verge of hitting it off . . .
Luke: Well, I think
we’re on the verge of hitting it out of the park.
Amanda: . . . Exactly
how close are you and Carlene?
Luke: . . . I never
understand her, but I adore her.
Amanda: You
understand? [why she turned down a date with him to Carlene’s annual vow
renewal.]
Luke: Not
really. But, hey, if you change your
mind, I’ll just be right across the street.
Amanda: How much did
you hear?
Gigi: Well, I must have
heard wrong, because you couldn’t have possibly sent away a good man just
because you are scared of some blond nitwit in twenty-inch heels. . . . Luke is
a doll. Set aside your differences with Carlene . . . Don’t be a chicken. Cross the road.
Carlene: Amanda. I’m sure you’re not here to see me. (Yelling:) Luke!
Luke: I’m gonna freak
Carlene out and come as Abraham Lincoln.
Amanda: But he wasn’t
in Gone with the Wind.
Luke: I like breaking
the rules.
Amanda: Me too. And in the spirit of that, I’ve changed my
mind. I’d love to be your date on
Saturday night.
Carlene: Absolutely
not. You have to stand up with me [at
Carlene’s seventeenth annual vow renewal].
You’ll be my only family in attendance.
Aunt Bitsy’s dead. Uncle Burl’s
in unincorporated Juarez. And Mama and
Daddy have a bridge game.
Cricket: A lady hates
when a man upsets her plan. Today’s
sophisticated and dynamic woman decides and accepts what her life is going to be. It’s not fair for someone to just walk in there
and rip it to hell just because he has a penis.
Amanda: On second
thought, I may sit this one out. You just
call me when the circus leaves town.
Luke: I have been to
sixteen of these monkey scratches. . . . You make your choices. I make mine.
Sharon (to Amanda): Chapter
17 in the Matron of Honor Manual. Avoiding
a buffet of death.
Amanda: Hosting in
Dallas is very different than California.
Gigi: I’m sure. Here we’re known for our manners.
Amanda: Look at
Carlene . . . almost human.
Gigi: You know,
darling, have you ever considered that she’s actually capable of a generous gesture
where you are concerned? That she's
really trying to embrace the idea of you and her brother?
Amanda: No.
Gigi: Me either.
Carlene: It’ll be a
welcome addition to my collection of sacred statuary.
Amanda: The White House
doesn’t have this much protocol.
Amanda: I already
destroyed the bridal shower with a battery-operated, remote-control marital aid
called Jack the Ripper.
Amanda: . . .this
overnight bachelorette . . . like an all-girls’ vacay.
Luke: How bad can that
be?
Cricket’s pilot:
Ladies, remember to stow all your firearms during takeoff and landing.
Sharon: Oh, heavens. It
looks like someone didn’t read all the way through to page 526 in the manual.
Amanda: Hunting? Why hunting?
Carlene: To shoot us up
something tasty. Serve it at the
reception.
Cricket: . . . good
exercise. Why should the men have all
the fun killing things?
Amanda: Seriously,
you’re waiting on Cruella de Vil? [NOTE: This is how both the song and the character
are spelled per YouTube, IMDB, Disney and various lyrics websites.]
Heather: . . . Besides
it ain’t that different from you being Carlene’s Slave of Honor to make Luke
happy.
Amanda: Stones, glass
houses. I get it.
Carlene: Does this
gun make me look fat?
Sharon [sticking a finger through a hole in the vest Amanda
is currently wearing]: Granddaddy Bo’s
hunting vest. Thank God you can live
with only one lung.
Sharon: I can skin a
rabbit faster than any woman in Dallas.
It was my talent in the Miss North Texas Pageant.
Sharon (to Amanda):
He’s taken a different date to Carlene’s vow-renewal ceremony sixteen
years straight. Not a single repeat appearance. And then he dumps every single one of them within
two weeks of the ceremony. . . . But maybe
seventeen is your lucky number.
Carlene (to Amanda):
Howdy, hunting partner. You ready
to bond with bullets?
Heather: Oh,
God. What is this?
Cricket: Urine of the
doe in heat. My gift to Carlene is the
trophy buck of a lifetime. Poor thing
desperately needs a statement piece of taxidermy in her dining room. . . .
Spray me with the human scent neutralizer.
[This whole hunting section is hilarious with the girls’
designer hunting gear and all bedecked in their jewels and makeup and
manicures! Oh, and don’t forget Carlene’s
camouflaged Bible.]
Amanda: I‘m not gonna
kill anything.
Carlene: Of course
you’re not, sugar. We can’t be all mighty
hunters before the Lord.
Amanda: . . . Luke
and his harem of dates to your vow renewal.
. . . The curse? You can do
better than that. . . .
Carlene: I will not stand
here and be accused of sins I did not commit.
I swear on this hunter’s Bible . . .
Amanda: Fine. I’ll leave.
Enjoy yourself. Don’t get eaten
by a bear.
Carlene: Leave the
gun.
Amanda [dropping the gun, which then goes off].
Carlene: Owww! I’ve been shot!
Heather: Come on,
Cricket. A baby would be wonderful.
Cricket: Fire up your
uterus and you have one. Mine is closed
for business.
. . .
Cricket: If you have
to cry, put this deer caller in your mouth.
Heather: . . . Alexandra’s
a shining example of Dallas womanhood. . . .Blake fills in the gaps for you and
you for him. That’s what makes y’all such
a great team. I’d give anything to have
that. . . . [Cricket won’t kill the deer]
Don’t tell me you’re not maternal.
Doctor: If Job had
taken two of these, he wouldn’t have suffered.
Cricket: Carlene will
never be able to wear her pink Chanel romper again [because of the gunshot wound
now in her left buttock].
Carlene (to Luke):
You mean our original marriage license, the binding contract, that
defines and defends marriage, you lost it?
Luke: [nods]
Carlene: So, Ripp and
I aren’t really married? [faints away]
Luke: Technically it
was nineteen. Three bailed in route to
Dallas and I found replacements in the airport bar. . . . I’m feeling really
good about my twentieth. She seems like
a keeper. . . . I dated around . . . I’m
not that guy anymore.
Amanda: It seems like
kind of a big change to make in a year. . . . I don’t want to be hurt by a
player.
Ripp (to Carlene): The
marriage license is just a sheet of paper.
It doesn’t mean we’re not married in the eyes of the Lord.
Carlene (on pain medicine, slurs her speech): I’m very stoned. I can get still stoner by the end of the day.
. . . [Amanda’s] a pale-faced, Minnie-Mouthed ninny. And I hate her. . . . There is no
ceremony. There’s nothing to renew.
Gigi: Now,
darling. You are not the first person to
think about shooting Carlene Cockburn.
You’re just the first person to do it.
Amanda: Mama, I’m not
in the mood today.
Gigi: Am I to believe
all this sulking is over the loss of that “friendship”? Or is there something else going on here?
Amanda: Luke and I
had a fight.
Gigi: That’s perfectly
normal for a new couple. Just make sure
you settle it the Dallas way. He begs for
forgiveness--you get jewelry.
Amanda: . . . Man, did I
step into it. . . He’s gone.
Gigi: Oh, please, you’re too
fantastic to leave for long. . . .
Amanda: How do you
apologize for shooting someone?
Gigi: That is an etiquette
conundrum that you will not find in Emily Post.
I know--I have Dick Cheney’s number someplace.
Cricket: Blake, the
world as we know it may be over. Carlene’s
marriage might not be legal.
Blake (laughing with Cricket): How’s she taking it?
Cricket: Like Scarlet
after Rhett bailed.
Cricket (to Blake):
As you know, I am keenly aware of my lack of maternal instinct. . . .
Sad, barren Heather showed me light.
Just before I was about to take down a deer.
I am not afraid to have children with you. . . . You are my trophy buck
of a lifetime. You know that?
Carlene: What are
those?
Amanda: Apology
hydrangeas? My mother thought they’d be
appropriate for some reason. Cheney was
no help.
Carlene: Do you have
any idea what it's like knowing your whole marriage is a lie?
Amanda: Actually,
yeah. I do.
Carlene: Ooh, the top
tier to my wedding cake. Ripp and I were
going to feed it to each other—naked—on our twentieth anniversary. Feed it to the poor!
Amanda (finding original marriage license): Holy matrimony!
Amanda (to Angus Horvath, county clerk employee): I need a teeny, tiny favor. See, there was a terrible miscarriage of
justice seventeen years ago. Only you
can make things right. I need you to file
this marriage license retroactively. . . .
Angus: All
right. Show me your tatas.
Amanda: What?
Angus: Your boobies.
Cricket: This is
ridiculous. Grown women do not wear bows.
Carlene: They do when
it’s my blessed day.
Heather: Thank you.
Cricket: Don’t
mention it. Ever.
Sharon: We’ve been best
friends forever and to have you pass me up, year after year [for the last
sixteen years], as your matron of honor, starts to make a girl feel like she’s
not good enough.
Carlene: . . . I may
sparkle, honey, but you shine.
Sharon: . . . I may
still have my Melanie Wilkes’s hoop skirt in the car.
[Love the closing shot of this scene that pans over to
Cricket and Heather, both drinking, but look again. Heather had TWO glasses, one in each
hand. Ha!]
Carlene: I guess I
owe you a thank-you for saving the day, and my marriage. Even if it was sorta your fault in the first place.
Luke: Don’t thank me. Amanda’s the one who showed her breasts to a vindictive
troll on your behalf.
Carlene: That’s truly
a sin. At least you were using your
boobies for good and not for evil. This
time.
Carlene: Oh heavens no. Don’t be silly. You’re wearing jeans.
Luke: It’s just a vow
renewal.
Carlene: It’ll ruin
the whole theme.
Amanda: Maybe we
could look beyond who we used to be and just focus on who we are now.
Luke: You know why I
call you ladybug? Because they eat other bugs for lunch. I know who you are, Amanda Vaughn. And I’m quite all right with it.
[Gone with the Wind
theme song playing in background as they kiss, simultaneously while Ripp and
Carlene kiss after renewing their vows.]
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