GCB Quotes from Episode Seven, “Sex is Divine”

As if you can’t tell already how enamored I am with this TV series on ABC, based on Kim Gatlin’s book, let me point out the perfection of the title--diamonds and gold, with the C shaped like a horseshoe.  I love the white hat, the white dress, both denoting purity, with all the bling that connotes Dallas wealth.

The theme song and the music tracks are wonderfully apropos.  Truly well matched.

Now for my favorite lines from Episode Seven:

* * *

Drunk:  Twin Peaks is giving us attitude.

Amanda [yanking down the big drunk]:  Her name is Sapphire.  What she’ll give you is your check.  Good night.

Drunk:  You ain’t getting no tip.

Amanda:  Oh, honey.  Your butt headed out the door is gratuity enough.

Ripp:  Way to take ‘em down, Amanda.

Amanda:  Well, every now and then, you gotta bust some balls. . . .

Pastor Tudor:  . . . Jesus threw out thieves and robbers.  Sometimes you gotta cleanse the temple.

Ripp:  If you’ll excuse me.  I gotta see a man about a horse.

Amanda:  Well, you know where it is.

Ripp:  No, I mean, I gotta talk to Bubba Richardson about buying his horse.

[Luke with Amanda on his couch, kissing.]

Carlene:  Hey, hey, hey.  I’ve been noticing how dark it is down here in the guest house and I’ve been meaning to bring this lamp so you can have more light for reading and . . . well-lit activities.

Luke:  Sis, got company.

Carlene:  I know that, silly.  My security cameras don’t miss a thing.  Got to watch out for unwelcome intruders.  Barn door’s open.

Amanda:  Okay, to be continued.  Carlene, as always.

Carlene:  Oh, was I . . . did y’all . . . ?

Blake [during interview of potential surrogate mother]:  We are not infertile.

Cricket:  I am just not in a position to give up alcohol, sushi or grabbing Stimulus Dollars for nine months.  You’ve got to be on your toes for that one. . . .

Blake:  We might have to go outside Texas.

Cricket:  No.  We agreed we would not lower our standards.

[This scene with Sharon and Zach in the kitchen is so cute.  Sharon’s lost weight and can’t get his attention to look at her no matter what she does.]

Zach:  Did you know that Blake only eats egg whites ever?

Sharon:  Oh poor Cricket.  All those yolks gone to waste. . . .  Zach Peacham, you notice my jeans right now. . . . I haven’t been able to fit into these bad girls for five years. And I owe it all to the Holy Word.  . . . Fish, lemon grilled.  Only breakfast food mentioned in the scriptures.  . . . This book, Foods of the Bible.  The Holy Land was filled with high fiber and low carb, but you have to be careful of New Testament entrees.  They break a lot of bread. . . .

Zach:  What did they eat for dessert?

Amanda:  Nothing good.  So what I’ve done is I’ve put a sweet Bible verse in each basket.  Gen. 9:3.  Every moving thing that liveth shall be food for you.

Amanda:  Hey, I worked Boobylicious after the Texas-OU game.  Nothing scares me.

Pastor Tudor:  I served eighteen months in Iraq.  Some of the ladies around here do.  [In walks in Sharon, Cricket and Carlene.]

Carlene:  Amanda, Amanda, Amanda.  I just keep walking in on you in the most unnatural situations.

Cricket:  Getting pregnant would be part of the [unwed mothers’] program.

Amanda:  That makes no sense, Cricket.

Cricket:  It makes sense to Blake and me and we’re writing the check.

Amanda:  Carlene, you know how many laws you’d be breaking selling apartments only to Christians?

Carlene:  Not in Mexico.  Stay in your lane, sweetie.

Pastor Tudor [his sermon for the adults-only congregation]: . . . This message is adults only. . . .  Sex . . . is . . . divine.  . . . Sex is a gift from God.  He created it to strengthen the union between two people who love each other.  To increase their intimacy.  Improve their communication.  . . . Are we making the best use of God’s gift?  . . . For all you committed couples out there.  Everyone here is an adult.  You can determine if this exercise is for you.  Here’s my assignment.  From today ‘til next Sunday, I’m challenging you all to have sex with your partner once a day, every single day.  Touch each other.  Look into each other’s eyes, souls.  Truly share one another and let’s see what happens.  [And can I have an Amen here!]

Luke [to Amanda]:  Slow down there, land speed.

Blake:  I realized there is only one woman that’s good enough to carry our progeny.

Cricket:  Taylor Swift is not from Texas.

Blake:  . . . Why outsource when we can go in-house?

Laura Vaughn:  I don’t know why everybody’s weirding out.  Who cares how many times married people do it?

Landry Cockburn:  Well, is it just old people?

Burl:  You don’t think the leather floors are too much?

Gigi:  For a man with stingray hide on the walls of his yacht?

Burl:  Heather’s right.  When you find what you want, you have got to jump.  [on his knee now]

Gigi:  Jumping’s the other way.  You’ve dropped down.

Burl:  Marry me, Gigi.

Zach [to Sharon in bed]:  Well, uh, sometimes when, when things are slow at work, I . . . watch movies that are . . . kinda dull.  Things have been really slow lately.

[This next scene with Blake and Cricket in the bedroom about to make their own baby, with the lyrics “Hey, babe, what you say?  Let’s go down and roll in the hay” singing in the background is funny! Like a couple on a first date, instead of married for years.  Role reversal in play.  Great communication.  Lots of giggling from both parties.]

Cricket:  You know, this sports metaphor is kinda doing it for me.  You want to kick off or should I?

Blake:  . . . There ain’t going to be any dancing in the end zone tonight.

Amanda:  Burl proposed?  What did you say?

Gigi:  I said get up off your knee before you hurt yourself.   Then I said I’d have to think about it.  [Hands Amanda an alcoholic drink.]

Amanda [setting aside the alcohol with a frown]:  Oh, Mama.  Burl is crazy about you.  And you are crazy about him. Why didn’t you just say yes?

Gigi:  I have been not married as long as I was married.  I like not married just fine.  I’m not going to rush into anything again just because some man hands me something sparkly.

Amanda:  Okay.  Well, maybe it is a little fast.  But you two both love each other.  Why do you have to beat around the bush?

Gigi:  I just don’t like feeling pressured to make big decisions.  I don’t even buy a car without a test drive.  Especially a stick shift.

Amanda:  Mother!

Gigi:  What?  It’s an important part of any relationship.  I’m just taking my cues from the pastor.  You can thank him tomorrow for inspiring me.

[Watch Zach and Sharon’s facial expressions during this scene.]

Zach:  Do you think I’m fat?  . . . It’s weird.  I keep wanting to talk after sex.  It’s like I’m turning into a . . . woman.

Sharon:  No.  It’s beautiful.

Zach:  Really?

[Leave it to Carlene . . . ]

Landry:  As a Purity Pioneer, I make a commitment to God [while leering at Amanda’s breasts], to myself, to my family, to my friends . . .

Alexandra:  To my future mate and my future children, to a lifetime of purity [as she gazes lustfully at Bozeman].

Bozeman:  I will refrain from fantasizing, talking about or having sexual intercourse [looking upon smiling Alexandra] from this day on until the day I marry.

McKinney:  Or a thousand years from now, whichever comes first.

Amanda [to Carlene]:  Seriously?  A thousand years?

Carlene:  Science is very advanced these days.  If you believe in that kind of thing.

Amanda:  . . . I don’t hate purity. . . . You’ll have to pretend sex doesn’t exist somewhere else.

[I love this next scene with Sharon and Zach re-enacting parts from a porn movie with Sharon as an archaeologist.  Sharon is one great comedian.  And using Zach’s postcoital openness to ask for an outdoor pizza oven backfires on her here.]

Cricket:  Let’s take these babies and make us some babies.  . . . .[After taking an expensive herbal mixture meant to increase libido, but instead they keep sweating, can’t get comfortable].   . . . If this is what it takes for pandas to hump, no wonder they are almost extinct. . . . . I do NOT feel sexy.

[Gigi in a negligee is “beautiful” like Burl says.]

Gigi:  . . . And never say the word grandkids to a welcoming woman in a negligee. . . .

Burl:  . . . I believe what we could have . . . belongs in a marriage. . . .

Gigi:  And I think you should get up here right now before I change my mind.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  [Burl collapses and is taken to the hospital in an ambulance.]

Amanda [to Laura]:  I don’t mind abstinence.  It just has to go hand-in-hand with education.  Carlene’s organization isn’t interested in that.

Burl:  I had a glitch in my pacemaker.  The doctors give it a twist or a jolt, or whatever they do, and I’m fine. . . . It’s a pity yes. . . . Just the other day it was:  I need more time.  You know when I say that, Gigi? During business negotiations, when I have respect for my opponent but not the deal.  Means no. . . . .  You’re here worried about my heart and you don’t even know your own.  The proposal’s off the table.

Gigi:  . . . But there’s only one me.

Amanda:  Let me get this straight.  You are trying to scare our children into being celibate? . . .  Carlene, all you’re doing here is demonizing sex.  Making it out to be something horrible.  And dirty.  Why can’t we just be honest with them about how to prevent these things?

Carlene:  Oh, Amanda, sweet Amanda.  This is America.  Fear works better.

[Excellent church scene where Amanda and Carlene discuss their kids making out and Carlene confesses her sins.]

Amanda:  I’m so sick of you saying I’m a fallen woman.  Do you want to know what?  I’ve only had sex with one man, my husband, Bill.

Carlene: . . . I guess I misjudged you.  Maybe it’s the way you dress.

Burl:  You think I go running around willy-nilly asking women to marry me?  Hmm?  It’s not something I take lightly. . . .

Gigi:  I love ya. . . . So here’s how it’s gonna work.  At your discretion, you are going to ask me to marry you, again.  This time I will say yes, without hesitation and not out of pity, because I know a perfect thing when I see it.

Burl:  Fine.  I returned the ring.

Gigi:  Fine.  We’ll go up a carat.  [Both laughing.]  Now how about that hanky-panky?

Burl:  You’re on.

[Oooh, Kristin Chenoweth as Carlene should get an Emmy for her sex talk with Laura Vaughn.  That little bodily movement she added to the tale about the parking lot of the Burger Shack is so . . . vivid!  Of course, Amanda cannot have a sex talk with Landry Cockburn without a shotgun in hand seated among other firearms in her father’s gun room, right? This IS Texas.]

[Then what better to follow than . . . ]

Blake [to Cricket in bed]:   I . . . am . . . Spartacus.

Zach:  . . . And the raisin loaf is actually a satisfying dessert.

Sharon:  It’s what Abigail gave to David to appease his anger.

Luke [meeting Amanda at the Ritz]:  We can wait as long as you want.  Look, if all we do tonight is wear those comfy robes, order room service and watch pay-per-view, it’s fine with me.  You’re worth the wait.

* * *

I’ll be posting soon more great one-liners from the remaining GCB Season One episodes.

Denise Barker

Author of Good Ole Boys, a love story
Freelance Copy Editor
Blogger

Re: GCB - Do You See the Calligraphy on the Wall?

I'm worried.

The season finale is airing this Sunday.  How long do I have to survive without GCB?

Plus what is Ripp up to?  Ever since the Ball where he introduced himself to Amanda, said he knew Bill, that cautionary red flag in my mind has been waving.  Soon afterward, it's been popping and snapping in a gale-force wind.

Remember Carlene stealing Amanda's computer?  Remember the accountant looking over Amanda's finances?  Remember the pinata stuffed with Amanda's "secrets" at the church singles group that Ripp and Carlene read?

And most recently, we found out last episode--as Ripp, Luke and Burl all outvoted Carlene's U.S.-based Christian Condo project--that they are all in "it"!

That's gonna mess up three couples!  Ripp and Carlene, because I figure Carlene has no idea Ripp's gone over to the dark side.  I get this feeling that Ripp's secret is he was a big, scheming, full-Ponzi partner with Bill.  If Burl and Luke are involved in the original thievery, that's just horrible.  And will break Gigi's and Amanda's hearts. (Mine, too.)

BUT . . . the way Ripp skedaddled away as Burl approached Carlene at Gigi's "Dress Like Your Favorite Texan" welcome home party for Burl (and Bitsy), I'm thinking Burl is there to fix the mess Ripp has gotten himself into.  And Luke is added manpower to watch that "she" who is in Juarez.  Whoever that is.

Is it Bill's lover--Amanda's now former best friend?  Did she survive the car accident and the fire?  Living off the money in Bill's vehicle while she looks for the rest?

And I'm loving seeing Cricket nicely unglued by a man--Mason Massey.  Another thing that'll probably be cut short as we await Season Two.

Although I'm convinced Blake and Cricket love each other very deeply, it is just sad to see a married woman doing without sex.  Even the Bible says that married couples shouldn't deny each other; after all, lovemaking both fulfills their marital duties to each other as well as aids in avoiding temptation outside the marriage bed.  Also spouses are further instructed that sex should only be postponed for prayer.  Amen.  See I Corinthians 7:4-5.

That concludes today's scripture lesson.

Oh, and did you also connect the homophone of "Lord" with "Lourd"? As in Ripp telling Carlene the "Lord" spoke to him?  Just saying . . .

Now, please, please, please tell me there will be a Season Two (and many more) of GCB!

GCB Quotes from Episode Six, "Turn the Other Cheek"

If you are as addicted to this show as I am, you've noticed some things.  First, Dallas women wear more than one necklace and multiple bracelets.  Second, they are always "dressed" including makeup and earrings and heels.  Third, Sharon is the eternal little girl, no matter how grown-up she may be in years.  Fourth, Cricket is the career-driven overachiever with her feminine side totally locked down, while her husband is the emotional one with maternal instincts.

And it all works!

Here are more golden nuggets from this latest episode of GCB [BEWARE:  There is some "language" in this episode]:

* * *

Ripp (to Carlene):  God forgives you, kitten.  We’re all sinners.

Carlene (about Amanda and Luke):  Just look at them.  She drives men to drive off cliffs and he has terrible taste in women.  Who am I to say they aren’t meant for each other?

Ripp (to Carlene):  You get so full of love around vow-renewal time.

Sharon:  . . . can handle the massive responsibilities that come with matron of honorship.

Pastor:  Don’t you just walk down an aisle?

Sharon:  Oh, Lord have mercy, no.  I have planned this thing to perfection.  From the Twelve Oaks picnic . . . to the Burning of Atlanta barbecue reception.

Pastor Tudor:  I’m getting kinda nervous.

Sharon:  All you have to do is read the vows.  I’ll provide your horse and the Confederate uniform.

[I love the scene where Blake talks to Cricket about having another baby in what looks like an informal den area.  Come to find out, it’s their plane!]

Cricket:  I just got off the plane from El Paso.  I require liquor.

Carlene:  Anything wrong?  You look like someone licked the red off your candy.

. . .

Sharon:  Look at my parasol.  It twirls. . . . What did Blake do?

Cricket:  Out of the blue, he tells me he wants another baby. . . . Sharing and caring time is over.

Carlene:  Sharon, I appreciate you leaping to my defense, but I’ve already forgiven Heather for her shocking lapse of judgment.

Cricket:  You should never chose a man over your dear, dear friends.  Especially the kind you date that just come and go.

Amanda:  Hey, listen.  Since you and I seem to be on the verge of hitting it off . . .

Luke:  Well, I think we’re on the verge of hitting it out of the park.

Amanda:  . . . Exactly how close are you and Carlene?

Luke:  . . . I never understand her, but I adore her.

Amanda:  You understand? [why she turned down a date with him to Carlene’s annual vow renewal.]

Luke:  Not really.  But, hey, if you change your mind, I’ll just be right across the street.

Amanda:  How much did you hear?

Gigi:  Well, I must have heard wrong, because you couldn’t have possibly sent away a good man just because you are scared of some blond nitwit in twenty-inch heels. . . . Luke is a doll. Set aside your differences with Carlene . . . Don’t be a chicken.  Cross the road.

Carlene:  Amanda.  I’m sure you’re not here to see me.  (Yelling:) Luke!

Luke:  I’m gonna freak Carlene out and come as Abraham Lincoln.

Amanda:  But he wasn’t in Gone with the Wind.

Luke:  I like breaking the rules.

Amanda:  Me too.  And in the spirit of that, I’ve changed my mind.  I’d love to be your date on Saturday night.

Carlene:  Absolutely not.  You have to stand up with me [at Carlene’s seventeenth annual vow renewal].  You’ll be my only family in attendance.  Aunt Bitsy’s dead.  Uncle Burl’s in unincorporated Juarez.  And Mama and Daddy have a bridge game.

Cricket:  A lady hates when a man upsets her plan.  Today’s sophisticated and dynamic woman decides and accepts what her life is going to be.  It’s not fair for someone to just walk in there and rip it to hell just because he has a penis.

Amanda:  On second thought, I may sit this one out.  You just call me when the circus leaves town.

Luke:  I have been to sixteen of these monkey scratches. . . . You make your choices.  I make mine.

Sharon (to Amanda):  Chapter 17 in the Matron of Honor Manual.  Avoiding a buffet of death.

Amanda:  Hosting in Dallas is very different than California.

Gigi:  I’m sure.  Here we’re known for our manners.

Amanda:  Look at Carlene . . . almost human.

Gigi:  You know, darling, have you ever considered that she’s actually capable of a generous gesture where you are concerned?  That she's really trying to embrace the idea of you and her brother?

Amanda:  No.

Gigi:  Me either.

Carlene:  It’ll be a welcome addition to my collection of sacred statuary.

Amanda:  The White House doesn’t have this much protocol.

Amanda:  I already destroyed the bridal shower with a battery-operated, remote-control marital aid called Jack the Ripper.

Amanda:  . . .this overnight bachelorette . . . like an all-girls’ vacay.

Luke:  How bad can that be?

Cricket’s pilot:  Ladies, remember to stow all your firearms during takeoff and landing.

Sharon:  Oh, heavens. It looks like someone didn’t read all the way through to page 526 in the manual.

Amanda:  Hunting?  Why hunting?

Carlene:  To shoot us up something tasty.  Serve it at the reception.

Cricket:  . . . good exercise.  Why should the men have all the fun killing things?

Amanda:  Seriously, you’re waiting on Cruella de Vil?  [NOTE:  This is how both the song and the character are spelled per YouTube, IMDB, Disney and various lyrics websites.]

Heather:  . . . Besides it ain’t that different from you being Carlene’s Slave of Honor to make Luke happy.

Amanda:  Stones, glass houses.  I get it.

Carlene:  Does this gun make me look fat?

Sharon [sticking a finger through a hole in the vest Amanda is currently wearing]:  Granddaddy Bo’s hunting vest.  Thank God you can live with only one lung.

Sharon:  I can skin a rabbit faster than any woman in Dallas.  It was my talent in the Miss North Texas Pageant.

Sharon (to Amanda):  He’s taken a different date to Carlene’s vow-renewal ceremony sixteen years straight.  Not a single repeat appearance.  And then he dumps every single one of them within two weeks of the ceremony.  . . . But maybe seventeen is your lucky number.

Carlene (to Amanda):  Howdy, hunting partner.  You ready to bond with bullets?

Heather:  Oh, God.  What is this?

Cricket:  Urine of the doe in heat.  My gift to Carlene is the trophy buck of a lifetime.  Poor thing desperately needs a statement piece of taxidermy in her dining room. . . . Spray me with the human scent neutralizer.

[This whole hunting section is hilarious with the girls’ designer hunting gear and all bedecked in their jewels and makeup and manicures!  Oh, and don’t forget Carlene’s camouflaged Bible.]

Amanda:  I‘m not gonna kill anything.

Carlene:  Of course you’re not, sugar.  We can’t be all mighty hunters before the Lord.

Amanda:  . . . Luke and his harem of dates to your vow renewal.  . . . The curse?  You can do better than that. . . .

Carlene:  I will not stand here and be accused of sins I did not commit.  I swear on this hunter’s Bible . . .

Amanda:  Fine.  I’ll leave.  Enjoy yourself.  Don’t get eaten by a bear.

Carlene:  Leave the gun.

Amanda [dropping the gun, which then goes off].

Carlene:  Owww!  I’ve been shot!

Heather:  Come on, Cricket.  A baby would be wonderful.

Cricket:  Fire up your uterus and you have one.  Mine is closed for business.

. . .

Cricket:  If you have to cry, put this deer caller in your mouth.

Heather:  . . . Alexandra’s a shining example of Dallas womanhood. . . .Blake fills in the gaps for you and you for him.  That’s what makes y’all such a great team.  I’d give anything to have that.  . . . [Cricket won’t kill the deer] Don’t tell me you’re not maternal.

Doctor:  If Job had taken two of these, he wouldn’t have suffered.

Cricket:  Carlene will never be able to wear her pink Chanel romper again [because of the gunshot wound now in her left buttock].

Carlene (to Luke):  You mean our original marriage license, the binding contract, that defines and defends marriage, you lost it?

Luke:  [nods]

Carlene:  So, Ripp and I aren’t really married? [faints away]

Luke:  Technically it was nineteen.  Three bailed in route to Dallas and I found replacements in the airport bar. . . . I’m feeling really good about my twentieth.  She seems like a keeper.  . . . I dated around . . . I’m not that guy anymore.

Amanda:  It seems like kind of a big change to make in a year. . . . I don’t want to be hurt by a player.

Ripp (to Carlene):  The marriage license is just a sheet of paper.  It doesn’t mean we’re not married in the eyes of the Lord.

Carlene (on pain medicine, slurs her speech):  I’m very stoned.  I can get still stoner by the end of the day. . . . [Amanda’s] a pale-faced, Minnie-Mouthed ninny.  And I hate her. . . . There is no ceremony.  There’s nothing to renew.

Gigi:  Now, darling.  You are not the first person to think about shooting Carlene Cockburn.  You’re just the first person to do it.

Amanda:  Mama, I’m not in the mood today.

Gigi:  Am I to believe all this sulking is over the loss of that “friendship”?  Or is there something else going on here?

Amanda:  Luke and I had a fight.

Gigi:  That’s perfectly normal for a new couple.  Just make sure you settle it the Dallas way.  He begs for forgiveness--you get jewelry.

Amanda:  . . . Man, did I step into it. . . He’s gone.

Gigi:  Oh, please, you’re too fantastic to leave for long. . . .

Amanda:  How do you apologize for shooting someone?

Gigi:  That is an etiquette conundrum that you will not find in Emily Post.  I know--I have Dick Cheney’s number someplace.

Cricket:  Blake, the world as we know it may be over.  Carlene’s marriage might not be legal.

Blake (laughing with Cricket):  How’s she taking it?

Cricket:  Like Scarlet after Rhett bailed.

Cricket (to Blake):  As you know, I am keenly aware of my lack of maternal instinct. . . . Sad, barren Heather showed me light.  Just before I was about to take down a deer.  I am not afraid to have children with you. . . . You are my trophy buck of a lifetime.  You know that?

Carlene:  What are those?

Amanda:  Apology hydrangeas?  My mother thought they’d be appropriate for some reason.  Cheney was no help.

Carlene:  Do you have any idea what it's like knowing your whole marriage is a lie?

Amanda:  Actually, yeah.  I do.

Carlene:  Ooh, the top tier to my wedding cake.  Ripp and I were going to feed it to each other—naked—on our twentieth anniversary.  Feed it to the poor!

Amanda (finding original marriage license):  Holy matrimony!

Amanda (to Angus Horvath, county clerk employee):  I need a teeny, tiny favor.  See, there was a terrible miscarriage of justice seventeen years ago.  Only you can make things right.  I need you to file this marriage license retroactively. . . .

Angus:  All right.  Show me your tatas.

Amanda:  What?

Angus:  Your boobies.

Cricket:  This is ridiculous.  Grown women do not wear bows.

Carlene:  They do when it’s my blessed day.

Heather:  Thank you.

Cricket:  Don’t mention it.  Ever.

Sharon:  We’ve been best friends forever and to have you pass me up, year after year [for the last sixteen years], as your matron of honor, starts to make a girl feel like she’s not good enough.

Carlene:  . . . I may sparkle, honey, but you shine.

Sharon:  . . . I may still have my Melanie Wilkes’s hoop skirt in the car.

[Love the closing shot of this scene that pans over to Cricket and Heather, both drinking, but look again.  Heather had TWO glasses, one in each hand.  Ha!]

Carlene:  I guess I owe you a thank-you for saving the day, and my marriage.  Even if it was sorta your fault in the first place.

Luke:  Don’t thank me.  Amanda’s the one who showed her breasts to a vindictive troll on your behalf.

Carlene:  That’s truly a sin.  At least you were using your boobies for good and not for evil.  This time.

Carlene:  Oh heavens no.  Don’t be silly.  You’re wearing jeans.

Luke:  It’s just a vow renewal.

Carlene:  It’ll ruin the whole theme.

Amanda:  Maybe we could look beyond who we used to be and just focus on who we are now.

Luke:  You know why I call you ladybug?  Because they eat other bugs for lunch.  I know who you are, Amanda Vaughn.  And I’m quite all right with it. 

[Gone with the Wind theme song playing in background as they kiss, simultaneously while Ripp and Carlene kiss after renewing their vows.]

GCB Quotes from Episode Five, "Forbidden Fruit"

My many thanks to Kim Gatlin for writing such an entertaining dramedy.  Continuing on with the collection of great one-liners (and one-paragraphers and so on), here are my picks from GCB Episode Five entitled "Forbidden Fruit":

Amanda:  You’re driving naked.

Luke:  Well, it’s not against the law.  I had my seat belt on. . . . Clearly I made a big impression.  Look, it’s not a habit.  I just spilled excruciatingly hot coffee in my lap earlier, so I was drying my clothes.  So you’re not my first accident today, but you are the prettiest. . . . I’m amazing.

Sharon [to Pastor Tudor]:  I’m having so much fun learning how to type. . . . I’m up to twelve words a minute.

Ripp:  Nothing quite says Welcome to Texas like a good clean kill shot [at a family-oriented boar hunt]. . . . We’ll smother them [Andrew’s company employees] with Christian fellowship.

Andrew: They’re not all Christians.

Carlene:  Not yet.

Burl [after kissing Gigi at his wife’s funeral]:  Heaven forgive me.

Gigi: Well, I may, but she won’t.  When you join her in Paradise, she’s gonna have your gumballs in her grips for Eternity.

Carlene:  Why are you wearing a choir robe [for Bitsy’s funeral]?

Luke:  Uhm, I lost my pants.

Amanda:  I have your pants.

Carlene:  Wait, just a darn minute.  Why do you have my little brother’s pants?

Luke:  The difference between me and my sister: she’s a judgmental piece of work and I’m just a piece of work.

Gigi:  When Bitsy left this mortal plane, she must have taken your sanity with her. . . . It’s too soon.  Dallas will talk.

Burl:  That’s why I’m taking you to France, darling.  Dallas can’t talk about things they can’t see. . . . Well, I’ve never, ever met a woman who’d turn down a trip to Paris.

Gigi:  Hello, my name is Gigi Stopper.  Nice to meet you.

Burl:  Oh, come on, Gigi. Your husband died eighteen years ago.

Gigi:  And your wife died eighteen seconds ago. . . . Even in second grade when you put the spider in my lunch box, I knew it was because you liked me.  I’m crazy about ya.  Always have been. . . . Come after sundown, under the cloak of darkness.

Cricket:  Sharon has informed us that Pastor Tudor has to drive all the way to the stadium for an intervention.

Pastor:  Sharon, my schedule’s confidential.

Sharon [climbing out from under the table by Pastor Tudor’s legs]:  Don’t worry, Pastor Tudor.  Nobody knows exactly who’s addicted.  It could be anyone on the team.

Cricket [to Carlene]:  Darling, I want you on that stage with me.  Can you play the tambourine?

Luke [carting a dolly full of wine crates]:  Can I come in?

Amanda:  What’s happening from the waist down?

Luke [showing his pants leg]:  I waited until you got home. I’ve been watching your house all morning.

Amanda:  Well, that’s not creepy at all.

Luke:  I’m staying at Carlene’s.

Amanda.  Woo!  I feel so much better now.

Luke:  Sweet.  You’re free tonight.

Amanda:  . . . I should probably think about this.

Luke:  Why?  You totaled my car.  You saw me naked.  I mean I think dinner’s the natural progression of things.  And, hey, there’s a chance that I might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.  Why miss out on that? . . . I’ll drive.

Carlene:  Amanda.  Sweet, cradle-robbing Amanda.  I have tried, unsuccessfully, to get Luke to explain to me why you have possession of his pants, and Ripp says that it is against the law to waterboard immediate family. . . .

Amanda:  In the words of another very famous witch, “You have no power here.”

Heather [to Andrew]: I need power. I’m trying to survive in Dallas. Power’s the social currency.

Zach [talking about son, Bozeman]:  Can’t blame the boy, Shar-bear.  He’s got lady-killing in his blood....

McKinney:  I for one don’t get it.

Sharon: Well, that’s good, sweetheart.  You’re his sister.

[McKinney and Bozeman sneering at each other.]

Boobylicious hostess:  Ooh.  Where did you find this one?

Amanda:  You wouldn’t believe it.

Luke:  I was naked and she hit me.

Boobylicious hostess: We’ve always wondered what you were into.

Luke:  Wait a second.  Are you the one that humiliated Carlene in church about owning this place?  You almost destroyed my sister’s reputation.

Amanda: That’s me.

Luke:  I love you.

Luke [to Amanda while dancing]:  Remember, I’m amazing. [You be my Louisiana, I’ll be your Mississippi, being sung in the background.  Great song.  Great placement.]

Burl:  I’ve done a lot of things with the lights off, but rarely dinner.  Look, look.  There, a full moon I ordered up for you.  Come on out here.

Gigi:  Put that on.

Burl:  You are crazier than a pet squirrel.

Gigi:  Don’t make fun of me.  If anybody was to see us, it would be very bad.

Carlene [on phone with Cricket while she spies on Gigi’s house]:  . . . I’m getting my night vision rifle scope.

Cricket:  . . . Role playing.  Red riding hood.  I know that game.

Carlene:  . . . Amanda Vaughn’s got her forked tongue down my baby brother’s throat.

Cricket:  . . . . Pull up your big girl panties. . . .

Carlene:  You’re right.  I am head of neighborhood watch.

Gigi:  Well, so much for keeping this a secret.

Burl:  Wouldn’t have happened if we were making out under the Eiffel Tower.

Burl [to Luke]:  My heart’s good right now.  Beating real fast. [He elbows Gigi who elbows him back.]

Gigi:  Don’t you dare judge me, missy (with leaves stuck to the back of her red cloak).  I find your behavior appalling.  You end an evening with a gorgeous man with a handshake? What is wrong with you?

Amanda:  Did we just have terrific evenings with really great guys?  . . . We need to celebrate.

Gigi:  Damn straight.  Why the hell don’t you drink?

Sharon:  This is Zach’s mess and he can clean it up.

Carlene [to Amanda on the phone]: Blackmail isn’t even mentioned in Proverbs 6.  But this isn't even blackmail.

Amanda:  Wow.  I’m not sure Burl should see you looking so fine.  He’s got a heart condition, you know.

Gigi:  It doesn’t hurt to raise a man’s heart rate a little bit.

Amanda:  Some solar panels at his wind farm, they’re not working.

Gigi:  Probably because it’s night. . . .  Has he hurt you already? . . . I can’t go out unescorted with a recent widower.  How would that look?

Amanda:  To make the spinster daughter be the chaperone?  What does that look like?

Gigi:  Love and support. Go get dressed. The invitation said casual.  Which means simple and tasteful.  No diamonds bigger than your head.

Carlene (and Cricket):  Heather.  Cute, in-over-your-head Heather.  We just want you to know that we forgive you for your bizarre reverse decision to ban us from the stage.

Cricket [to Heather]: I mean, how much longer can that voice [of Carlene’s] last?

[Sheryl Crow performing!]

Zach [to Pastor Tudor about Sharon]:  Can you turn her around and head her back home?

Sharon:  Zach!  You thought I was attracted to the pastor?  Ooh, I can’t believe you.  That is just so wrong.  Talk about your HOV lane to hell.  I mean, no one, no one, should ever, ever be attracted to a minister.

Pastor Tudor:  Well, I hope that’s not the case.

Andrew:  Did you try the truffled crab cakes?

Heather:  Do I look like I eat?

Gigi [to Carlene]:  I smell a big ole outhouse rat.

Gigi [to Amanda]:  I know that look in your eye.  The one when you’re happy?  Hadn’t seen that lately.  But I saw it when you were with him. . . . . [Carlene's blackmail scheme] if you dumped the brother she doesn’t want you dating. . . . But, by God, I think we can both have our beefcake and eat it too.

Gigi’s announcement:  There’s a time for rules and manners.  But there’s also a time to be honest and just grab the bull by the horns and do what you want to do, no matter what people might think.  Now, well now is one of those times [and kisses Burl in front of the fundraising crowd at church].

Sharon [to Zach in front of their kids]:  I think it’s time for bed.  [Both kids slink away.]

Amanda:  I know this was a bumpy start.  And we don’t even live in the same city.  But is there a chance we could just try this again?

Luke:  Sure.  Hey, you might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  Can’t pass that up.

Amanda:  I’m kinda amazing, too.

Luke:  I never settle for anything less.

Additional GCB Quotes from Episode Four, "A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing"

Upon further review, I found a few more cute lines from this episode, as follows:

Zach [to Pastor Tudor]:  You know how hard I work, to sell Lamborghinis in this market?
Sharon [to Pastor Tudor]:  You should try feeding this human garbage disposal for seventeen years.

Amanda:  Why do you need moral support, Mama?  You and Burl are besties.
Gigi:  Well yes.  But Bitsy's just a horse's ass.

Blake:  She always surprises me.  That's why I love her [Cricket].

Sharon [to Zach]:  Stand on up and get your own drink.

Additional GCB Quotes from Episode Three, "Love is Patient"

This episode expires in eleven hours on Hulu so I watched it again.  And here's some cute lines I missed from the first post:

Gigi [to Pastor Tudor]:  You'll have to excuse my daughter.  She's a lil' prickly because she's an old maid.

[Love the forlorn music playing in the background as Amanda reads her "goodbye" letter from Bill.]

Ripp:  Just wish I could figure out why my bit won't drill.

Carlene:  I'm gonna slip into something less biblical.

Carlene:  Who has secrets?
Ripp:  We all do, darling.  We all do.

Carlene:  South America is full of people who've faked their own deaths.

GCB Quotes from Episode Four, "A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing"

I wish I could have written this wonderful dramedy that the TV series is based on.  Even better, that I had Kim Gatlin’s sense of humor.  I bet she had lots of fun writing her book.  I'm going to keep that in mind as I write my next one.  Regardless, I can relax and soak up each show. 

I hope you have enjoyed my previous posts gathering quotes from each of the GCB episodes.  Here’s my collection of favorites from Season 1, Episode 4, entitled “A Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing.”

 * * *

Amanda:  Hi, so sorry I’m late.

Gigi:  This is what you’re wearing?  Slacks?  To church?

Amanda:  Seriously, I think God just wants us to show up.  I don’t think He minds what we wear.

Gigi:  Well, that’s fine.  Unless you mind everybody else thinking you’re a lesbian.

Amanda:  I wore pants because I tripped over a keg in the ladies’ room at Boobylicious and I bruised my shin on a toilet.

Gigi:  What a pretty story. . . .  Open-toed shoes?  Oh my God, no.  We’re going in the side door.

Landry:  Check out the caboose on Laura Vaughn’s mama.

Carlene:  Landry, watch the locker-room language, please.  A bunular display like that is precisely why a lady never wears pants in church.

Gigi:  That is Carlene’s Uncle Burl.  . . . . He’s one of the finest, kindest people you’d ever hope to meet.  His wife, Bitsy, is not.

Burl:  Gigi, come over here and break my neck.

Gigi:  Oh, Burl. Welcome back!  Dallas hasn’t been the same without you.  [pause]  You either, Bitsy.

Amanda:  I didn’t realize I broke a commandment.  Thou shall not wear slacks to church.

Blake:  Ooh, yeah.  Traditional dies hard around here.

Amanda: You know, I consider myself a strong, very secure, independent woman, fierce even.  So why can a little bit of criticism from my mother still slam me so hard?

Blake:  Because she matters.  And deep down, you care.

Blake:  Hey.  Get back here.  Come on.  Girl, ain’t nobody drives a pair of pants like you do.

Amanda:  It’s harder for a woman to find the right pair of jeans than it is to find the right man.

Pastor Tudor:  Zach, [for the next week] you look after McKinney.  You’re in charge of the house, the cooking and the cleaning.

Zach:  Well, how do I know what to tell the maid to do?  I don’t even know her last name.

Carlene:  Ooh, denim.  That probably does work good for you.

Amanda:  Why are you here?  I mean, hi.

Carlene:  Ripp was insisting that we bury the hatchet and he’s always right.  So I thought I’d bring Chardonnay and a heartful of Love Thy Neighbor.

Amanda:  Why can no one remember that I don’t drink anymore?

Carlene:  Oh, Amanda, Amanda.  I never forget you’re an alcoholic.  Chardonnay’s my nail girl. . . . I am giving you the gift of a pedicure.  After I saw your feet Sunday, I wanted you to be able to wear open-toed shoes with confidence.

Sharon:  Oh, that’s from that big ole Swedish furniture store.  You know, for years I thought that was an airplane hangar.

Blake:  Oh man, setting up a photo shoot and booking all those models last-minute, that’s gonna be tough.

Amanda:  Why?  Dallas is full of models.

Blake:  Yeah, but this job, it’s butt specific.

Amanda:  I got this.  [Dialing her phone.]  Topaz, it’s Amanda.  What are you and the other B-girls doing tonight?  I need some ass.

NOTE:  The whole “dueling” (but wordless) confrontation between Carlene—snooping for financial info for her husband in Gigi’s house—and Gigi, catching her at it, is great.  Watch and smile.

Amanda:  Hey, Blake.  You know you’re one of my only friends here in Dallas, right?  So you don’t have to explain anything to me.  I don’t judge.

Gigi [to Burl]:  No, no.  No.  I’ve been through too much to cry.  My husband’s death.  Family trauma.  Democratic administrations.

Burl:  That’s why I’m asking you . . . .to keep the peace.  For me.

Gigi:  Well I must adore you.  Because the very Lord Himself would not ask this of me.

Carlene:  Now you are talking about breaking Number Eight.

Ripp:  It’s not stealing.  It’s borrowing.

[“Sometimes It Takes Balls to be a Woman” playing in background as Sharon puts together a shelving unit for Pastor Tudor.  Her victory dance is so cute.  Jennifer Aspen is a wonderful actress, getting across the gist of the scene with a look, a pose.  Priceless scene!]

[Photo shoot leaked to Christian website; flak ensues]

Amanda:  Seriously?  They think when we say [Westward] Ho, we mean . . .

Blake:  Hooker, harlot, trollop, wench, tart, floosy . . .

Cricket:   Whore.

Attorney:  This particular photo seems to be the flashpoint.

Cricket:  Well.  Anyone attending church last Sunday could certainly pin the tail on that donkey.

Amanda:  As God is my witness, I’ll never wear pants to church again.

Cricket:  What seems to have caused Booty-gate were posts from a Lord Lover 87 on some religious watchdog blogs known for targeting brands they deem not family friendly.  After that, it just took off.  Spreading like kudzu across the faith-based websites.

Blake [to Amanda, trying to locate person behind Lord Lover 87]:  You make me want to slap my mama.

Burl:  Oh, come on, roll with it, Gigi.  Two Bushes are always better than one.  [Re the costume party Gigi is to host and Bitsy coming as Barbara Bush and asking Gigi to come as Laura Bush.]

Gigi:  Who is that tacky enough to honk out there?

Carlene:  Yes.  I think part of my costume just arrived.  Gigi, be a love, help me feed it.  

Gigi:  Feed it?

Carlene [to Gigi]:  When it comes to theme parties, I go big or I go home.

[This whole watering and feeding the horse (Buttermilk to Carlene’s Dale Evans’ costume) is great and funny.]

Carlene:  I’m actually glad you’re giving the party.  I can tell how much it means to Uncle Burl.

Gigi:  Go back in, you old coot.

Burl:  I thought I’d warned you about tears.

Gigi:  Well, you’ll just have to forgive me.  Just the thought of you dying has put a little crimp in my day.

Bitsy:  I’ve just got such a migraine.

Burl: I better take her home.  They turn her into the wicked witch.

Gigi:  Could I offer an aspirin?  Or a broom?

[Carlene steading Amanda’s computer (between her legs no less, under her dress) and “walking” out of Gigi’s house is LOL funny!]

[Chenoweth is a great physical comedian.  Catching her son on the couch “entertaining” himself with Amanda’s Westward Ho “butt” photo is great.]

Blake:  Daddy Bo’s calling.

Amanda:  What does that mean?

Blake:  Trouble.

Cricket [to her dad on the phone]:  Well, if a son wouldn’t let this happen, I wish you could’ve had one.

Carlene:  God does not want me looking in on just anybody.  Least of all, Amanda Vaughn.

Ripp:  Oh, kitten.  I am your husband.

Carlene:  Yes.  [Stepping onto coffee table to be at eye level with hubby.] There’s one Man who’s orders come before yours.  And I’m gonna talk to Him right now.

Ripp: [wagging figure at wife]

Carlene:  [wagging her finger back at him.]  Excuse me.

Zach (to Sharon in her costume for tonight’s welcome home party for Burl, and Bitsy, over at Gigi’s):  Wow, you are so totally Anna Nicole Smith.

[BTW, Amanda makes a good Farrah Fawcett at the costume party--in her red one-piece bathing suit from the famous poster.]

Amanda [to Andrew for tracing Lord Lover 87 to an unlisted phone number]:  This is so much better than earrings [which he just gave to Heather]. 

[Amanda calls the unlisted number and it rings.  In Gigi’s house.  And Cricket answers.]

Carlene (praying to God in Gigi’s house at the party):  How can I honor my husband when what he wants me to do is wrong?

Carlene:  Bill’s funeral, was it open casket? How did he look?  Did he look like himself?

Amanda:  Yes.  Why, Carlene?

Carlene:  I’m just curious.  I’m always looking for ways to be more lifelike.

Gigi (to Bitsy):  Laura Bush was a librarian.

Gigi:  You know Burl’s not up to a trip like that.  Would you have him die away from home?

Bitsy:  No.  Away from you, my dear. . . . Obviously, you are number one on his bucket list.

Ripp:  Kitten, I would hate for you to think of me as a villain.

Carlene:  Oh, honey, I don’t.  We can’t forget that staying on the path is sometimes better than a short cut.

[Carlene just found out her Uncle Burl sold their joint property to Andrew—even though she wanted it for Condos for Christian Living.  With Heather getting a “nice little” commission.  And earrings.]

Heather:  I love your Dale Evans.  And the horse you rode in on.

Carlene:  And I love your Selena.  Someone shot her, right? [Walks off.]

Andrew:  She seems nice.

Amanda:  Who the heck are you?

Gigi:  My favorite Texan [the theme for her party].  Me!  [Laughing.] I love Laura Bush but her getup was depressing me.

Amanda:  What would you say if I told you that the whole time Cricket was rallying around my idea she was secretly behind all the protests at Westward Ho?  She wanted to keep me from working with Blake so bad she was willing to fall on her own corporate sword.  Even worse, disappoint her father.

Gigi:  Well, on the one hand, I’d say it’s psychotic.  [Smiling to Bitsy as she passes.]  On the other, I’d say it’s not the craziest thing a jealous woman ever did.

Amanda:  Mama, can you keep a secret?

Gigi:  [Eyebrows raised, moves in closer to Amanda]

Amanda:  Blake and Cricket don’t have a traditional marriage.  She wouldn’t be jealous of another woman.  Trust me.

Gigi:  Oh.  So they do have a white marriage.  I’d always wondered.

Amanda:  What’s a white marriage?

Gigi:  It’s when the husband and wife keep their boots on the opposite side of the bed.  If you know what I mean.

Amanda:  Well, if that’s Cricket and Blake’s arrangement, why does she care about me?

Gigi:  Because, their relationship is based on a deep friendship.  From Cricket’s point of view, you are threatening to her.  Trust me.  I know.

Amanda:  What’s going on with you and Bitsy?  I thought you two were playing nice.

Gigi:  Well, I tried.  Till she got the impression that I was moving in on Burl.  [Bitsy in background choking on BBQ rib.]  She’s taking him away from Dallas, you know.  Trying to get him away from my clutches.

Amanda:  I thought you said he wasn’t well enough to travel.  Mama, what are you gonna do?

Gigi:  I don’t know.  I’m in the same spot as you.  He’s not my husband.  [Bitsy still choking in the background.]  You know sometimes the best thing you can do is just say a prayer and step away.

Amanda:  Damn, that Bitsy Lourd is evil.

Gigi: There’s a special place for a woman like that.

[Bitsy falls over dead in Gigi’s dining room.]

Zach:  What happened to your Anna Nicole costume?

Sharon:  Well, that was your idea for my costume, but I had a different one.

Zach:  So now you’re some pink lady?

Sharon:  I’m not just some pink lady.  Mary Kay.

Zach:  The porn star?  She’s not from Texas.

Sharon:  Mary Kay Ash.  The founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics.  A strong and independent Texas woman.

Cricket:  Bitsy dear.  [pause]  Oh dear.

* * *

I’ll be getting more together soon.  Enjoy!

More GCB Quotes from Episode Three, “Love Is Patient”

I love this show and watch it repeatedly courtesy of Hulu.com.  Therefore, I have a good chance to write down funny lines, or even wise ones, from each airing.

Here’s the batch from the GCB Episode Three called “Love is Patient.”

* * *

Ripp:  I don’t get it.  This [impotency] never happened to me before.  Except for this morning and last night and lunchtime yesterday.

Carlene:  It’s fine, Ripp.  I’m not in the mood anyways.

Ripp:  I know you, Carlene.  If you’re awake, you’re in the mood.  Heck, you’re in the mood if you’re sound asleep.

Ripp (to accountant on phone):  I’m getting tired of waiting.  And you don’t wanna see this oil man blow.

Gigi:  Now listen, Amanda.  I’ve come to terms with your job [at Boobylicious].  I’ve even come to love jalapeno poppers.  But there is no way you’re going to find Mr. Right showing your pretties at Boobylicious....

Amanda: ...Bill hasn’t been dead a year.  There’s a period of respect.

Gigi:  But your husband was a criminal and an adulterer and, down here in Texas, that means you can get back in the saddle just a little sooner.  Jason, Beau, come meet Amanda. ...Jason is in oil.  And Beau is in oil.

Amanda:  What a surprise.

Cricket (to Carlene on the phone): The way you talk, Ripp knocks the nickels out of you every ten minutes.  [This one deserves its own spotlight, but is part of the next one too.]

Cricket (to Carlene on the phone):  Talk fast.  I’m on the reformer....The way you talk, Ripp knocks the nickels out of you every ten minutes....Gotta go, I’ve got to work on my neutral pelvis [with instructor Lance who then proclaims his engagement to be married, which also involves moving to Waco].

Cricket (calling her office, having sent Lance out of the room to get a smoothie for her): Find out where Lance and Kiki (phonetically spelled here) are registered.  Buy them a fabulous wedding gift.  And there’s a chain of fitness centers called Waco Workouts.  Buy them.  Tear them down.  Any calls?

Carlene (to Cricket who has been talking with Sharon about renewing her physical fitness class with a former instructor): You can’t let your physical well-being slip through those cracks.  [Wonderful scene with Carlene pointing a couple times at Cricket’s head.]

Sharon (to Pastor):  Well, after your homily on volunteerism, the ladies [Cricket and Carlene] and I decided to roll on up our sleeves and drive Juan, Valenciano [spelled phonetically here] and Jorge right on down here.

Carlene (with Cricket speaking to Sharon here about her husband, Zach, and Amanda): I give unto you power to tread onto serpents and scorpions.

Cricket:  [stuttering] I don’t remember the exact verse but the Bible is just full of that kind of whoop ass.

Amanda:  Look, Sharon.  I’m not your problem.  Your husband is.  So you need to take it up with him.

. . .

Sharon:  Marriage is a sacred institution and I will not be taken down by a fallen woman.

Waitress:  Booby basket! [Then slides down the fireman’s pole, knocking into Sharon—who indeed was “taken down by a ‘falling’ woman.”  HA!]

Amanda (to her mother and pastor):  Fur for the homeless?

Gigi:  It gets chilly under those overpasses.

Ripp:  ...Name some happy couples [in the Bible.]

Carlene:  Well, there was Mary and Joseph.  Once they worked through that whole Immaculate Conception thing.

[The full scene with the telephone conversation between Sharon and Bethany Mae (spelled phonetically here) at the Texas Chili Council’s culinary hotline is HILARIOUS!  You need to watch it to get the full effect.  Here’s just a portion.]

Sharon:  Should I tell my husband I know he kissed another woman?

Bethany Mae:  Absolutely.

Sharon:  ...But I’m scared.

Bethany Mae:  Woman, you are cooking with one of the hottest chili peppers known to man.  Stop whining and yank that man’s chain.

Amanda (as Heather parks at church for an evening with the singles group):  I thought we were getting mani-pedis.

Heather:  I lied.  You look great.  Get out of the car.

Cricket (to her husband, Blake):  That’s the last time we volunteer to be a happily married couple.  The singles here are creepy.

Blake (to his wife, Cricket):  Carlene has enough tongue for ten rows of teeth and she’s gonna be wagging it [his secret] all over town.

Andrew:  Hey, Amanda.  Does ‘control freak/nitpicker’ have a hyphen?

Ripp interjects:  No.

Carlene (to Cricket):  Well, I asked Victor [at the dojo] to give me your same workout and he tried to touch my tae kwon do.

Cricket:  ...Carlene, stop projecting sin onto others....fix your own marriage.  Leave mine alone.

Blake:  I’m sorry.  You deserve a man who can give you everything.  Not slap you on the wrist for wanting more.

Cricket:  No marriage’s perfect....No man, including my father, ever loved me for who I am.  Except for you.

Carlene:  Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together....

Ripp:  ...It’s not you....It’s Bill Vaughn....[he stole from me]

Carlene:  Are we poor?

Ripp:  No, darling.  We’re still very, very rich.  Just not very, very, very rich.

Gigi:  What the heck is that?

Amanda (with a piñata shaped like a boy/man that she’s filled with slips of paper upon which she wrote all she’d like to say to her deceased cheating husband):  This is Bill.  Sort of.  By smashing it, it’s supposed to set me free from him.

Gigi:  I’ll get my putter. [Coming back with the golf club] I’d like to take a swing at Bill.

Carlene (to Ripp, discussing Amanda and Bill, reading Amanda’s slips in the real piñata that was hers): ...Well, my stars and garters.

* * *

Again, this post contains some of my favorite lines from this episode of GCB.  What was yours?

What Are Your Favorite Quotes from Episodes One (the Pilot) and Two of GCB?

I love this show.  I'm addicted to this show.  I've watched all five episodes to date about eight times.  I'm gonna watch the Pilot and Episode Two again today as they will no longer play on Hulu.com in another nineteen hours.  Can anybody say "intervention"?

Yes, I live in DFW.  Yes, I'm a Christian.  Yes, the new ABC series based on the book by Kim Gatlin (also a Dallas gal) pokes fun at both.

Still . . . and because of it all, I'm a possessed fan.

And, as an author, this show is overflowing with action, great one-liners, conflict at every turn, and yet a very humanizing look at each of our mean girls, whether former, reformed, new or renewed.  Just making this list of great quips from only the first two shows confirms several things:  either the author, Kim Gatlin (her book is on my Must Read list), has the wonderfully snide sentences in the hardback or one creative and amusing screenwriter put them there, or a combination of the two.

Plus each episode clicks right along, at about one scene per minute for the almost forty-four minutes of airtime (not counting commercials).  This is standard screenwriting technique when chopping a novel down to big (or little) screen showings.  No slow moments in GCB.  Plenty going on.  Just like I like it.  

I am being entertained in addition to learning tips and techniques from a fellow author.

Now, I know we all have our personal brand of humor.  My son likes SNL, the movie Borat and other TV series that I just do not get.   He's laughing so loud the neighbors can hear.  I'm frowning wondering what I missed.  Not one funny bone tickled.  At all.  So, to each his own.

Remember:  Imitation is the best form of flattery.

I said all that to say this:  I mean no harm.  I am certainly not endorsing the attitudes or mean-girl posturing.  I am simply laughing at a spoof about Dallas Christians.  Being one myself, it's okay.  Yet, I am Texas-proud to live in the Dallas Metroplex.  And to be a Christian.

Therefore, if you are in any way offended by GCB, stop reading this particular post now.

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Here's some of my favorite quotes from the soon-to-be-expired pilot and initial episode.

PILOT

Gigi:  You know very well I didn't like Bill when you dated him in high school.  I really didn't like you marrying him.  Hated when he dragged you off to California.
Amanda:  I know the fact that you didn't come to his funeral wasn't my first clue.

Amanda:  I saw your photo on like forty bus stop benches as I drove into town.
Heather:  It's nice to know that someone somewhere is always sitting on my face.
Carlene:  Heather.  [Pointing upward] House of God.

Carlene:  Speaking of lust, look at the men.  They're all over her [Amanda] like flies on sh...ugar.

Amanda:  I've changed.  I've grown up.  I've had kids.  I've had some knocks.  Nobody can stay exactly like they were in high school.
Gigi:  [Looking at the gaggle of Carlene, Cricket, Sharon and Heather]:  Oh, yes, they can.

Will:  Hey, mom.  What does that mean?  [Looking at church sign:  You reap what you sow.]
Amanda:  That's Texan for karma.

Amanda:  Blake called a headhunter who's gotten me four interviews.  I'm so excited.
Gigi:  Why you have to hunt head is beyond me.

Amanda:  You're teaching my son how to mix drinks?
Gigi:  Yes.  He'll be employable someday.

Carlene:  Ripp and I gave Landry a telescope for Christmas.  It's better than the Hubble [and trained on Amanda's mother's house (Gigi's) across the street from Carlene].

Cricket:  Corduroy's back?
Blake:  Corduroy never goes away.  Because everyone's ass looks good in corduroy.

Cricket:  Someone gave Amanda a car.

Gigi: You should keep it.
Amanda:  I don't need a secret admirer.  My husband just died . . .
Gigi:  What is the diference between flowers and a car?  A few zeros, that's all.  You should never reject a gift.  I raised you to be polite.

Amanda:  But you said you had a thought [about who gifted her with a car from his dealership].
Zach:  My thought is, I wish I'd thought of it.
Amanda:  Why?
Zach:  Amanda.  You were the love of my life [in high school].
Amanda:  That . . . That's so sweet.
Zach:  . . . all those feelings came flooding back . . . Sunday [at church].
Amanda:  You're married.
Zach:  I'm drowning in the very thought of you.
Amanda:  You need to tread water.
[Zach kisses Amanda.]
Amanda:  No.  Zach, you gotta get a grip.  This didn't happen.  Bye!

Carlene:  . . . Wish all marriages could be as spiritually grounded as ours.
Ripp:  Me, too.  Want to do it on the desk?

Gigi:  . . . [Laura]  just needed a little Tex-ifying.  Big hair is a sign of confidence.  And  confidence never goes out of style. . . . breasts!  Who knew?  Hers are real.  That's gonna save you some money, missy. . . . You, Amanda, are starting to get on my nerves.

Carlene (to Sharon on the phone):  Half of Neiman's just got delivered to Amanda.

Amanda:  I'm not a heifer.
Gigi:  Exactly.  You're not young enough to be a heifer.

Amanda:  I'm all about starting over. . . . I admit.  I was a mean girl.  I really don't know why.  I had a charmed life.

Amanda:  Ladies!  Don't know.  Don't care [who secret admirer is].  School night.  [Ushers gaggle of mean girls out of Gigi's house who came for info but bearing a welcome basket.]

Sharon:  Carlene Cockburn.  You broke Commandment Number Eight.
Carlene:  I did not steal.  It's research [re Amanda's secret admirer's almost $100,000 gift card].

Neiman's Customer Service:  May I see some ID, please?
Sharon:  No [running from store; getting into Carlene's car at curb].  Drive it like you stole it!

Amanda to Ripp:  I heard she'd [Carlene] married a big ole Amarillo oil man.

Amanda [to Carlene, Cricket and Sharon]:  Oh, yeah.  Fun fact.  Dallas has more churches per capita than anywhere on earth.  Also Dallas has more strip clubs per capita than anywhere.  Two plus two equals a double standard.

Sharon: . . . understand that we have a moral code here.
Amanda:  Moral code.  Okay. . . . discuss it over lunch.  We'll go to Neiman's . . .

Carlene:  How dare you call me a bitch!
Amanda:  How dare you call yourself a Christian.
Carlene: . . . go back to where you came from.
Amanda:  . . . stupidity and hypocrisy are everywhere.  It's just a shame I have to live across the street from ground zero.

Amanda:  Mother! [gave her car, half of Neiman's, which was returned, and now a gift card with almost $100,000 on it in its stead]
Gigi:  I know I make you crazy.  I know I'm out of control.  I know I push too hard.  But you know that I am not going to stop.  And whether you agree with my methods or not, I did raise you.  And you are magnificent.
Amanda:  I love you.  You are crazy as an outhouse rat, but I love you.
Gigi:  BTW, if you're not going to use this [the Neiman's gift card], I feel confident that the Good Lord would like me to have a new fur coat.  God often speaks to me through Christian Dior.

New weekly Church sign:  Hell Hath No Fury

EPISODE TWO

Carlene's Intro:  . . .  Amanda's the devil herself.  Us girls aren't too pleased to see the former head cheerleader/devil queen [back in Dallas].  She's claimed she's changed her ways.  Her first week back, she's already kissed my best friend's husband . . . took a job at a booby bar . . . and humiliated me and my beloved . . . just because we own the place.  Now, how many sins is that right there?  You do the math.

Ripp (to Carlene):  There is nothing in this book (Bible) that says we can't own a booby bar.

Gigi (to Amanda):  Well, as fashion-forward as they might be in . . . Uzbeckistan (phonetically spelled), I don't want you buying clothes for my grandchildren at a store that sells lettuce.

Amanda (to Gigi): . . . acting like a mother from some Tennessee Williams play.

NOTE:  The whole tie-licking scene at church between Sharon and her hubby, Zach, is hilarious.  You gotta see it to appreciate it.

Amanda (to the gaggle of Carlene, Cricket, Heather and Sharon):  Ladies, I think what Carrie Underwood's telling us (in her song Jesus Take the Wheel) is how Jesus steers us through those tough times in life.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Phil. 4:13.  I am looking forward to your songs every week, Carlene.  God bless y'all. [Walks off.  Then so does Heather.]
Cricket (to Carlene):  Well, well, well.  Carlene, I think Amanda just out-Christianed you.

Cricket [about her "new" refashioned eatery]:  Everyone's still eating lard.

Gigi:  Borrowing a bag will not destroy your dignity.
Amanda:  Thank you.  [Looks inside purse.]  You have a gun in your purse.
Gigi:  It's Texas.  You never know when you might need one.  Here [reaching into desk drawer], this one's a little more you.
Amanda:  You have two guns?  Mother, what are you scared of?
Gigi [reaching into wall cabinet, and cocking a rifle]:  Not a damn thing.

Carlene:  Relax, Cricket.  Cleavage helps your cross hang straight.

Carlene (for TV camera):  My personal charity:  For Children With Something.

Carlene (to Amanda):  I have been saved.   I have a wonderful spiritual husband who wants 'em where he can see 'em [her breasts].

Laura (to Amanda):  We made a shop stop at Neiman's on the way to school.  Gigi has a key.

Gigi (at a taste testing for her luncheon):  No.  Too sweet and fruity.  It's more of a breakfast wine.

Gigi:  The kids wanted them [before-school purchases from Neiman's].
Amanda:  Then you tell the kids no.  Nobody told me no and that's why I was so awful.
Gigi:  That was your father's fault.
Amanda:  Nobody ever set limits for me.
Gigi (to Heather seated silently next to her):  Father.
Amanda:  I was spoiled rotten.
Gigi (again to Heather):  Father.
Amanda:  And I'm not gonna let that happen to Will and Laura.
Gigi:  Fine!

Gigi:  Why are you dressed like Mother Goose?
Amanda:  Carlene . . . changing her image [re booby bar, with new cover-up-everything uniforms created by Amish designer].

Amanda (to Heather):  I left town.  She had no one to smother.  She took you under her wing.  I love that.

Amanda (to Heather):  No.  I'll talk to Carlene.  This is my gunfight at the not-okay corral.

Zach:  I'm gonna start working out with Blake next week.  Have you see the abs on that guy?
Sharon:  Not since Mardi Gras.

Fire Marshall:  . . . blocking emergency exit.
Ripp: . . . Son, when I pitch a tent, it stays up till I want it to come down.
Fire Marshall:  Rich people.

Cricket:  [If Blake had] Another woman?  I'd burn that ranch down to the ground and make that stud a gelding.

Amanda:  I have a big problem.  My daughter.
Gigi:  Join the club.

Amanda (to Gigi):  I don't need to accept your help.  I need you to accept me.

NOTE:  I love the Garden and Gun magazine featured two or three times in this show!

Carlene:  Fidelity Pledges [for the booby bar].  If you want a lil something on the side, try our onion rings.

Ripp:  I make the decisions [re booby bar].
Carlene:  If you're trying to turn me on, it's working.

New booby bar quotation on back of original uniforms:  My cup runneth over.

Gigi (to Amanda in booby bar):  I am so proud of you.

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And, of course, for those of you with cable, GCB is on ABC on Sunday (of course!) nights at 9PM (CST).  Enjoy!  The rest of you will be like me . . . waiting, breath held, until Hulu.com releases the next airing.  Can't wait!

Okay, that's only SOME of my list of favorite lines garnered from my multiple viewings of GCB.  What's yours?