GCB Quotes from Episode Nine, “Adam and Eve’s Rib”

The cancelation of this series has bummed out this Texas Christian fan, but I have braced myself to again face the latest episodes—now the last--to pull out my favorite quotations. 

~ ~ ~

Heather:  I need a Plus One to support a church charity?

Carlene:  Oh, Heather, darling, of course you can support our team.  Just not as one of us. . . . You let me know when your marital status changes and I’ll be more than happy to give you the [foam] finger.

[Love when the female reporter shuns Zach followed by Sharon asking him to hold her purse.]

Ripp [to Laura]: Now there’s no need to get political.  There’s still plenty for girls to do.  . . . Keeping us hydrated, now that’d be a blessing.

Amanda:  Really?  Nobody has any issue with this boys-only wienie rule? . . . It is sexist and it sends a completely wrong message to our daughters.

Carlene (praying):  Although there’s no way they [a Temple] can win a BBQ competition without pork. . . . Pray for Amanda.  Please give her grace in defeat.

Gigi:  Or victory.

Amanda:  Honey, that’s so sweet.  But we’re in Texas.  Here, BBQ means meat. . . . I know there’s a little Gloria Steinem in every woman.

Laura:  A glory who?

Amanda:  Which is exactly why we’re doing this. . . .

Gigi:  Back in my day, a feminist was a woman who avoided the kitchen like a plague.

[The Mason Massey intro scene with Cricket is wonderful.  As much as I love Blake, it does my heart good to see Cricket having the possibility of a real, two-way relationship.  Cricket’s more-feminine dresses, instead of suits, and the chemistry between her and Mason sparks up this meeting.  Plus I just like all the psychological warfare and the double entendres.]

Mason:  Caesar (stud horse) always satisfies.

Cricket:  You have a lot of confidence.  I have to admit, that intrigues me. . . .

Mason:  Obviously, you’re a woman who knows what she wants, and goes after it when she see it.  If that weren’t the case, I wouldn’t be here. Would I?

Carlene:  You may have forgot while living in a Blue State, that men and women play different roles, Amanda.  The Bible makes that abundantly clear. . . . In a godly marriage, there is no His or Hers, only We.

[This scene with Zach and Sharon, in which she is more dominant/making more money, is illuminating on the confidence a well-suited job can exude from a happy woman.  Plus it sets up a later scene nicely.]

Sharon:  If you want publicity, you take out an ad with the Dallas Morning News.  . . . I don’t care how it looks to the guys.  How about how it looks to your wife?  We can’t afford it.

Gigi:  I’m the last one to give cooking advice, but should there be that much smoke?

Amanda:  That’s why they call it a smoker, Mother.

Amanda:  You get to taste my brisket.

Luke:  Do I have to?

Amanda:  . . . I don’t need you to solve my problems.  I would rather fail than win with your help.

Luke:  . . . Oh, and you might want to check that out [walking off, back to smoker, then a burst of flame!].

Gigi:  There’s nothing I can do about Luke, but I could sic Tony and Roma on Carlene.  They already think she’s a chew toy.  [For the non-Texas readers, one point of clarity here.  Tony Roma's is a famous ribs/seafood/steak restaurant in Texas and elswhere.]

Cricket:  As you can see from my live cam, Caesar hasn’t swung his sword all day.

Mason:  . . . You didn’t have to get all glossy for me. . . . My daddy did business with Clint Caruth back in the day.  He didn’t have a kind word to say about that man.  Can’t be easy to be his daughter.

Cricket:  Might have been easier to be his son.

[Luv, luv, luv the vulnerable looks Cricket can pull off.  And the fact that she defends his first physical move toward her with a martial arts combo, yet he still closes in.]

Gigi:  A glass of bourbon and a low-cut top works better than truth serum on that man [Burl].

[Now we are deep in the woods, with Gigi and Amanda seeking the secret stash of the best wood to use when smoking a brisket—from a pecan tree on Pepper Creek—on Cricket’s land.  She has joined them, pointing her rifle their way.]

Cricket:  You’re in my thicket.  In the middle of the night.  I’m curious.  Why?

Amanda:  . . . And “ladies just don’t do that” isn’t the answer I want to give her [my daughter].  You have a daughter too.  Don’t you want her to grow up in a world where she can do whatever she wants?

Cricket [in a pensive moment, studying the pecan tree]:  Daddy Bo always did love this pecan tree.  [Which she blasts with one shot of her rifle, a huge branch falling to the ground by Gigi and Amanda.]

Carlene:  Just creating a little shortage.  If Amanda can’t get her hands on any prime Wangus, well . . .

Ripp:  Smart thinking, tenderloin. . . .

Carlene:  Three to one?  You voted against me?

Danny:  Hey, you.  Small world.

Heather:  A small world.  Nice try. Amanda said you found some brisket and you wouldn’t hand it over unless I came to pick it up.  [Gotta admire the confidence, imagination and spunk of this guy.]  Well, here I am, Danny. Where’s your Wangus? . . Guys resent women who make more money than they do.

Danny:  . . . We’re in an economic downturn right now.  And this is Texas.  People will stop buying houses before they give up their meat.  . . . Well, I’m sorry you dated a bunch of idiots before.  But all it takes is meeting one good guy.  Maybe that’s me. . . . ‘Cause girls who play with fire are hot.

[There are SO many great scenes in this one episode, but here, when Carlene makes entry into Gigi’s house via the doggie door has to be the best!  Then Tony and Roma corner Carlene in the pantry, so she overhears Amanda’s honest and emotional conversation with her Mother.  They are of course surprised when Carlene joins them in a hug.  Ha!]
Amanda:  I didn't just do this for her, Mama, I did it for me. . . . But what kind of example is that to set for Laura?  To let some man think for me, or take away my voice, or treat me like nothing more than some lap dog or some cute little kitten.
Gigi:  You are so much more than that.  Shh, shh, shh, shh.  Precious girl.
Amanda:  Carlene?
 

[Pan to the BBQ site and our first glimpse of the gals is awesome—walking through the brisket smoke, all in jeans, not the norm in this show.  And their shirts?  Read “Spicy Racks.”  The background music, “there’s a little bit of devil in her angel eyes” hits the spot.]

Amanda [with a snap of her fingers to her all-ladies BBQ team]:  Racks, let’s roll.

Heather:  His name is Danny, he is not rich, he doesn’t belong to the country club, he’s a butcher.  And if anyone has anything to say about it, I will take your internal temperature with this meat probe.

Cricket:  Don’t get me started on rich men.  They think they can get anything they want based on the size of their . . . wallet.

Carlene:  Money doesn’t matter.  Especially if you don’t get to choose what to do with it.

Amanda: And it’s no guarantee of happiness . . .

Gigi: Truth be, I’d rather have the man than the money.

[Here comes the wonderful scene with the drunk guy hitting on the girls.  Zach steps in.  Fists connect.  Zach goes down.  Sharon decks the drunk; he falls to the ground.  I love how this show plays with stereotypes and flip-flops them.  Touching scene between Sharon and Zach, with his new black eye.]

Sharon [to Zach]: We knocked that fool out together, as a team, because that’s what we do.  You are my hero. . . .

Richard Dillard:  To donate one of your cars today was a class act.  Sticking up for your little lady, even classier.

[Spicy Racks wins the BBQ competition!]

Cricket [with an arm pump]:  Take that, Daddy Bo!  [Still competing with her daddy, even though he's dead.]

Carlene: I’ve always supported you, Ripp.  How could you not support me? . . .

Ripp:  Kitten, the condos are staying in Mexico.

Carlene:  Why?

Ripp:  The Lord told me.

Carlene:  He spoke to you?  Like Daniel?  And Isaiah? . . . What did His voice sound like?  A cross between Billy Graham and Kris Kristofferson?

[Another great scene.  Cricket returns to her office to find Mason has settled in.  Sitting in her chair.  Feet on her desk.  Which she shoves aside to write him a check for stud fees.  He just stands, revolves—tightly—around her.]

Cricket:  Mr. Massey, I’m a married woman.

Mason:  Well, you don’t act like one.  You’ve never even mentioned your husband’s name.  And I never ever hear you say “we” when talking about your personal life.  In my experience, these are not exactly the signs of a healthy marriage.

Cricket:  My marriage works just fine.

Mason:  But is it everything you want it to be? [pause]  Look, I’m single.  And I’m discreet.

[The kiss that unhinges Cricket is priceless!]

Gigi [to Amanda]:  Well, I couldn’t be more proud.  And that hideous thing [the BBQ trophy] comes down first thing in the morning.

Luke [talking to Amanda by phone]:  Did anyone ever tell you you’re kinda sexy when you grovel?

~ ~ ~

I love these people.  I love watching them smile at each other, share respect among themselves and speak their truth. 

One more (final) episode to dissect for fave quotes.  So sad . . .

Denise Barker, author + freelance copy editor + blogger

Good Ole Boys, a love story at http://amzn.to/GoodOleBoys

http://bit.ly/BNGoodOleBoys

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/168444 (Good Ole Boys)

http://amzn.to/CopyeditingChecklist

http://amzn.to/WordsRuleTheWorldQuotes

http://amzn.to/BeforeYouIndiePublish

http://amzn.to/QuitYourCurrentDayJob
http://amzn.to/HowToIndiePublish

More GCB Quotes from Episode Five, “Forbidden Fruit"

This episode is full of wonderfully written and acted parts.  The opener with Luke Lourde (played by Eric Winter) is a unique "meet cute."  Eric Winter is golden in my book.  All the scenes with Bozeman in it are hilarious.  When he joins in with his daddy to encourage Sharon to stay home and cook, it feels so real.  Especially with all the sibling scowling going on.  Bozeman working his charm on Cricket is amazingly honest from both parties.  The outdoor necking scene between Burl and Gigi—priceless.  I felt sorry for Pastor Tudor as Sharon smothered him and yet snickered when she talked too much about private church matters and laughed too loud at his jokes.

Carlene continues to play the wicked witch and yet somehow pulls it off while we still like her.  Well, part of her.

This one expires on Hulu.com in another four days, so I have to watch it over and over before it goes away.   

Here’s some great lines I missed in my first post on this episode.

* * *

Carlene:  Bravo, Heather.  Making all that commission from your relationship with your sweet, adorable Andrew.  You’re just a busy little beaver.

Sharon (calling Pastor on the phone):  Pastor Tudorrrrr (emphasis), Shar-or-ron (phonetically).  Great news.  My son, Bozeman, is home.  Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to be with you tonight. . . . Well, praise the Lord right back atchya!

Zack (to Bozeman):  But you need to respect our rules.  And the female population.

Oops! More Quotes from GCB Pilot

I cleaned off my desk this morning and found more handwritten notes of quotes from the GCB Pilot that were not included in my original post of same.  So here they are:

PILOT

Amanda (to her California attorney):  My mother is a meddling, overbearing, smothering nightmare.

Sharon:  My Bible’s in my other purse.

Carlene:  Of course she’s single, Sharon.  Most widows are.

Carlene:  Ladies, it is not appropriate to speak of such things on the phone.  I’ll see you in church.

Gigi:  Dallas and southern California have the same weather without the liberals.

Will:  Grandma, I mean Gigi, do you have internet?

Gigi:  Why would I?  I don’t watch porn.

Gigi:  Nobody can turn grief into a six-percent commission better than Heather [RE agent].

Amanda:  I’ve been sober for eighteen months, Mother.

Gigi:  Why?

Amanda (to son, Will):  You know?  Whatever awful things your father did, he was a really good dad and that’s the only memory worth keeping.  I love you.

Amanda:  I encourage them [my children] to find their own spirituality.

Gigi:  Cut the commie crap.  My grandchildren are going to church so they can go to heaven.  End of story.  Amen.

Carlene (to Amanda):  Well, darling, we all hope you’re here for good.  And not evil.

Amanda:  OMG, she’s [Carlene’s] praying for me.

Gigi:  See, people around here really care.

Heather:  She’s [Amanda] not even gonna be able to afford indoor plumbing [on her living allowance authorized by the Feds while they investigate her because of her husband’s Ponzi scheme and embezzlement.]

Carlene:  Jesus didn’t have it.

Heather [to Amanda, while searching for a house]:  Don’t worry.  They don’t allow takeoffs and landings between midnight and four a.m.

Ripp:  Where the heck are you, kitten?

Carlene:  I’m going to be a little late, precious.

Ripp:  You sound upset.  What’s wrong?  What can I do?  How can I help?

Carlene:  Well, I had to get some body work done and they messed up my colon. [walking over to mechanic and now speaking to him.]  Darling, it’s John 3:16.  The colon goes between the three and the sixteen.  [walking away and now whispering to her husband:]  I don’t think he’s Christian.

Heather (to Amanda):  But should you decide to have some (cosmetic) work done, always check the car the doctor drives.  If it’s a Ferrari, hire him.  If it’s a pickup, it means he lost a lawsuit.

Amanda (saying her prayer out loud at church):  Count your blessings . . . how blessed we all are.  Our homes, families, friends.  The blessing of forgiveness.  For we all need to forgive and be forgiven.  Personally, I have been blessed with a second chance.  To start over.  To do better . . . Thankful to have a job.  At Boobylicious.  I’m grateful to my employer, The Kitten Corp.  Which is a wholly owned subsidiary of Cockburn Unlimited.  God bless Ripp and Carlene Cockburn.

Amanda [to her mother, after her public prayer and embarrassment of Carlene]:  I’m thinking I kinda like this church stuff.

What Are Your Favorite Quotes from Episodes One (the Pilot) and Two of GCB?

I love this show.  I'm addicted to this show.  I've watched all five episodes to date about eight times.  I'm gonna watch the Pilot and Episode Two again today as they will no longer play on Hulu.com in another nineteen hours.  Can anybody say "intervention"?

Yes, I live in DFW.  Yes, I'm a Christian.  Yes, the new ABC series based on the book by Kim Gatlin (also a Dallas gal) pokes fun at both.

Still . . . and because of it all, I'm a possessed fan.

And, as an author, this show is overflowing with action, great one-liners, conflict at every turn, and yet a very humanizing look at each of our mean girls, whether former, reformed, new or renewed.  Just making this list of great quips from only the first two shows confirms several things:  either the author, Kim Gatlin (her book is on my Must Read list), has the wonderfully snide sentences in the hardback or one creative and amusing screenwriter put them there, or a combination of the two.

Plus each episode clicks right along, at about one scene per minute for the almost forty-four minutes of airtime (not counting commercials).  This is standard screenwriting technique when chopping a novel down to big (or little) screen showings.  No slow moments in GCB.  Plenty going on.  Just like I like it.  

I am being entertained in addition to learning tips and techniques from a fellow author.

Now, I know we all have our personal brand of humor.  My son likes SNL, the movie Borat and other TV series that I just do not get.   He's laughing so loud the neighbors can hear.  I'm frowning wondering what I missed.  Not one funny bone tickled.  At all.  So, to each his own.

Remember:  Imitation is the best form of flattery.

I said all that to say this:  I mean no harm.  I am certainly not endorsing the attitudes or mean-girl posturing.  I am simply laughing at a spoof about Dallas Christians.  Being one myself, it's okay.  Yet, I am Texas-proud to live in the Dallas Metroplex.  And to be a Christian.

Therefore, if you are in any way offended by GCB, stop reading this particular post now.

* * * 

Here's some of my favorite quotes from the soon-to-be-expired pilot and initial episode.

PILOT

Gigi:  You know very well I didn't like Bill when you dated him in high school.  I really didn't like you marrying him.  Hated when he dragged you off to California.
Amanda:  I know the fact that you didn't come to his funeral wasn't my first clue.

Amanda:  I saw your photo on like forty bus stop benches as I drove into town.
Heather:  It's nice to know that someone somewhere is always sitting on my face.
Carlene:  Heather.  [Pointing upward] House of God.

Carlene:  Speaking of lust, look at the men.  They're all over her [Amanda] like flies on sh...ugar.

Amanda:  I've changed.  I've grown up.  I've had kids.  I've had some knocks.  Nobody can stay exactly like they were in high school.
Gigi:  [Looking at the gaggle of Carlene, Cricket, Sharon and Heather]:  Oh, yes, they can.

Will:  Hey, mom.  What does that mean?  [Looking at church sign:  You reap what you sow.]
Amanda:  That's Texan for karma.

Amanda:  Blake called a headhunter who's gotten me four interviews.  I'm so excited.
Gigi:  Why you have to hunt head is beyond me.

Amanda:  You're teaching my son how to mix drinks?
Gigi:  Yes.  He'll be employable someday.

Carlene:  Ripp and I gave Landry a telescope for Christmas.  It's better than the Hubble [and trained on Amanda's mother's house (Gigi's) across the street from Carlene].

Cricket:  Corduroy's back?
Blake:  Corduroy never goes away.  Because everyone's ass looks good in corduroy.

Cricket:  Someone gave Amanda a car.

Gigi: You should keep it.
Amanda:  I don't need a secret admirer.  My husband just died . . .
Gigi:  What is the diference between flowers and a car?  A few zeros, that's all.  You should never reject a gift.  I raised you to be polite.

Amanda:  But you said you had a thought [about who gifted her with a car from his dealership].
Zach:  My thought is, I wish I'd thought of it.
Amanda:  Why?
Zach:  Amanda.  You were the love of my life [in high school].
Amanda:  That . . . That's so sweet.
Zach:  . . . all those feelings came flooding back . . . Sunday [at church].
Amanda:  You're married.
Zach:  I'm drowning in the very thought of you.
Amanda:  You need to tread water.
[Zach kisses Amanda.]
Amanda:  No.  Zach, you gotta get a grip.  This didn't happen.  Bye!

Carlene:  . . . Wish all marriages could be as spiritually grounded as ours.
Ripp:  Me, too.  Want to do it on the desk?

Gigi:  . . . [Laura]  just needed a little Tex-ifying.  Big hair is a sign of confidence.  And  confidence never goes out of style. . . . breasts!  Who knew?  Hers are real.  That's gonna save you some money, missy. . . . You, Amanda, are starting to get on my nerves.

Carlene (to Sharon on the phone):  Half of Neiman's just got delivered to Amanda.

Amanda:  I'm not a heifer.
Gigi:  Exactly.  You're not young enough to be a heifer.

Amanda:  I'm all about starting over. . . . I admit.  I was a mean girl.  I really don't know why.  I had a charmed life.

Amanda:  Ladies!  Don't know.  Don't care [who secret admirer is].  School night.  [Ushers gaggle of mean girls out of Gigi's house who came for info but bearing a welcome basket.]

Sharon:  Carlene Cockburn.  You broke Commandment Number Eight.
Carlene:  I did not steal.  It's research [re Amanda's secret admirer's almost $100,000 gift card].

Neiman's Customer Service:  May I see some ID, please?
Sharon:  No [running from store; getting into Carlene's car at curb].  Drive it like you stole it!

Amanda to Ripp:  I heard she'd [Carlene] married a big ole Amarillo oil man.

Amanda [to Carlene, Cricket and Sharon]:  Oh, yeah.  Fun fact.  Dallas has more churches per capita than anywhere on earth.  Also Dallas has more strip clubs per capita than anywhere.  Two plus two equals a double standard.

Sharon: . . . understand that we have a moral code here.
Amanda:  Moral code.  Okay. . . . discuss it over lunch.  We'll go to Neiman's . . .

Carlene:  How dare you call me a bitch!
Amanda:  How dare you call yourself a Christian.
Carlene: . . . go back to where you came from.
Amanda:  . . . stupidity and hypocrisy are everywhere.  It's just a shame I have to live across the street from ground zero.

Amanda:  Mother! [gave her car, half of Neiman's, which was returned, and now a gift card with almost $100,000 on it in its stead]
Gigi:  I know I make you crazy.  I know I'm out of control.  I know I push too hard.  But you know that I am not going to stop.  And whether you agree with my methods or not, I did raise you.  And you are magnificent.
Amanda:  I love you.  You are crazy as an outhouse rat, but I love you.
Gigi:  BTW, if you're not going to use this [the Neiman's gift card], I feel confident that the Good Lord would like me to have a new fur coat.  God often speaks to me through Christian Dior.

New weekly Church sign:  Hell Hath No Fury

EPISODE TWO

Carlene's Intro:  . . .  Amanda's the devil herself.  Us girls aren't too pleased to see the former head cheerleader/devil queen [back in Dallas].  She's claimed she's changed her ways.  Her first week back, she's already kissed my best friend's husband . . . took a job at a booby bar . . . and humiliated me and my beloved . . . just because we own the place.  Now, how many sins is that right there?  You do the math.

Ripp (to Carlene):  There is nothing in this book (Bible) that says we can't own a booby bar.

Gigi (to Amanda):  Well, as fashion-forward as they might be in . . . Uzbeckistan (phonetically spelled), I don't want you buying clothes for my grandchildren at a store that sells lettuce.

Amanda (to Gigi): . . . acting like a mother from some Tennessee Williams play.

NOTE:  The whole tie-licking scene at church between Sharon and her hubby, Zach, is hilarious.  You gotta see it to appreciate it.

Amanda (to the gaggle of Carlene, Cricket, Heather and Sharon):  Ladies, I think what Carrie Underwood's telling us (in her song Jesus Take the Wheel) is how Jesus steers us through those tough times in life.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  Phil. 4:13.  I am looking forward to your songs every week, Carlene.  God bless y'all. [Walks off.  Then so does Heather.]
Cricket (to Carlene):  Well, well, well.  Carlene, I think Amanda just out-Christianed you.

Cricket [about her "new" refashioned eatery]:  Everyone's still eating lard.

Gigi:  Borrowing a bag will not destroy your dignity.
Amanda:  Thank you.  [Looks inside purse.]  You have a gun in your purse.
Gigi:  It's Texas.  You never know when you might need one.  Here [reaching into desk drawer], this one's a little more you.
Amanda:  You have two guns?  Mother, what are you scared of?
Gigi [reaching into wall cabinet, and cocking a rifle]:  Not a damn thing.

Carlene:  Relax, Cricket.  Cleavage helps your cross hang straight.

Carlene (for TV camera):  My personal charity:  For Children With Something.

Carlene (to Amanda):  I have been saved.   I have a wonderful spiritual husband who wants 'em where he can see 'em [her breasts].

Laura (to Amanda):  We made a shop stop at Neiman's on the way to school.  Gigi has a key.

Gigi (at a taste testing for her luncheon):  No.  Too sweet and fruity.  It's more of a breakfast wine.

Gigi:  The kids wanted them [before-school purchases from Neiman's].
Amanda:  Then you tell the kids no.  Nobody told me no and that's why I was so awful.
Gigi:  That was your father's fault.
Amanda:  Nobody ever set limits for me.
Gigi (to Heather seated silently next to her):  Father.
Amanda:  I was spoiled rotten.
Gigi (again to Heather):  Father.
Amanda:  And I'm not gonna let that happen to Will and Laura.
Gigi:  Fine!

Gigi:  Why are you dressed like Mother Goose?
Amanda:  Carlene . . . changing her image [re booby bar, with new cover-up-everything uniforms created by Amish designer].

Amanda (to Heather):  I left town.  She had no one to smother.  She took you under her wing.  I love that.

Amanda (to Heather):  No.  I'll talk to Carlene.  This is my gunfight at the not-okay corral.

Zach:  I'm gonna start working out with Blake next week.  Have you see the abs on that guy?
Sharon:  Not since Mardi Gras.

Fire Marshall:  . . . blocking emergency exit.
Ripp: . . . Son, when I pitch a tent, it stays up till I want it to come down.
Fire Marshall:  Rich people.

Cricket:  [If Blake had] Another woman?  I'd burn that ranch down to the ground and make that stud a gelding.

Amanda:  I have a big problem.  My daughter.
Gigi:  Join the club.

Amanda (to Gigi):  I don't need to accept your help.  I need you to accept me.

NOTE:  I love the Garden and Gun magazine featured two or three times in this show!

Carlene:  Fidelity Pledges [for the booby bar].  If you want a lil something on the side, try our onion rings.

Ripp:  I make the decisions [re booby bar].
Carlene:  If you're trying to turn me on, it's working.

New booby bar quotation on back of original uniforms:  My cup runneth over.

Gigi (to Amanda in booby bar):  I am so proud of you.

* * *

And, of course, for those of you with cable, GCB is on ABC on Sunday (of course!) nights at 9PM (CST).  Enjoy!  The rest of you will be like me . . . waiting, breath held, until Hulu.com releases the next airing.  Can't wait!

Okay, that's only SOME of my list of favorite lines garnered from my multiple viewings of GCB.  What's yours?