GCB Quotes from Episode Five, "Forbidden Fruit"

My many thanks to Kim Gatlin for writing such an entertaining dramedy.  Continuing on with the collection of great one-liners (and one-paragraphers and so on), here are my picks from GCB Episode Five entitled "Forbidden Fruit":

Amanda:  You’re driving naked.

Luke:  Well, it’s not against the law.  I had my seat belt on. . . . Clearly I made a big impression.  Look, it’s not a habit.  I just spilled excruciatingly hot coffee in my lap earlier, so I was drying my clothes.  So you’re not my first accident today, but you are the prettiest. . . . I’m amazing.

Sharon [to Pastor Tudor]:  I’m having so much fun learning how to type. . . . I’m up to twelve words a minute.

Ripp:  Nothing quite says Welcome to Texas like a good clean kill shot [at a family-oriented boar hunt]. . . . We’ll smother them [Andrew’s company employees] with Christian fellowship.

Andrew: They’re not all Christians.

Carlene:  Not yet.

Burl [after kissing Gigi at his wife’s funeral]:  Heaven forgive me.

Gigi: Well, I may, but she won’t.  When you join her in Paradise, she’s gonna have your gumballs in her grips for Eternity.

Carlene:  Why are you wearing a choir robe [for Bitsy’s funeral]?

Luke:  Uhm, I lost my pants.

Amanda:  I have your pants.

Carlene:  Wait, just a darn minute.  Why do you have my little brother’s pants?

Luke:  The difference between me and my sister: she’s a judgmental piece of work and I’m just a piece of work.

Gigi:  When Bitsy left this mortal plane, she must have taken your sanity with her. . . . It’s too soon.  Dallas will talk.

Burl:  That’s why I’m taking you to France, darling.  Dallas can’t talk about things they can’t see. . . . Well, I’ve never, ever met a woman who’d turn down a trip to Paris.

Gigi:  Hello, my name is Gigi Stopper.  Nice to meet you.

Burl:  Oh, come on, Gigi. Your husband died eighteen years ago.

Gigi:  And your wife died eighteen seconds ago. . . . Even in second grade when you put the spider in my lunch box, I knew it was because you liked me.  I’m crazy about ya.  Always have been. . . . Come after sundown, under the cloak of darkness.

Cricket:  Sharon has informed us that Pastor Tudor has to drive all the way to the stadium for an intervention.

Pastor:  Sharon, my schedule’s confidential.

Sharon [climbing out from under the table by Pastor Tudor’s legs]:  Don’t worry, Pastor Tudor.  Nobody knows exactly who’s addicted.  It could be anyone on the team.

Cricket [to Carlene]:  Darling, I want you on that stage with me.  Can you play the tambourine?

Luke [carting a dolly full of wine crates]:  Can I come in?

Amanda:  What’s happening from the waist down?

Luke [showing his pants leg]:  I waited until you got home. I’ve been watching your house all morning.

Amanda:  Well, that’s not creepy at all.

Luke:  I’m staying at Carlene’s.

Amanda.  Woo!  I feel so much better now.

Luke:  Sweet.  You’re free tonight.

Amanda:  . . . I should probably think about this.

Luke:  Why?  You totaled my car.  You saw me naked.  I mean I think dinner’s the natural progression of things.  And, hey, there’s a chance that I might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.  Why miss out on that? . . . I’ll drive.

Carlene:  Amanda.  Sweet, cradle-robbing Amanda.  I have tried, unsuccessfully, to get Luke to explain to me why you have possession of his pants, and Ripp says that it is against the law to waterboard immediate family. . . .

Amanda:  In the words of another very famous witch, “You have no power here.”

Heather [to Andrew]: I need power. I’m trying to survive in Dallas. Power’s the social currency.

Zach [talking about son, Bozeman]:  Can’t blame the boy, Shar-bear.  He’s got lady-killing in his blood....

McKinney:  I for one don’t get it.

Sharon: Well, that’s good, sweetheart.  You’re his sister.

[McKinney and Bozeman sneering at each other.]

Boobylicious hostess:  Ooh.  Where did you find this one?

Amanda:  You wouldn’t believe it.

Luke:  I was naked and she hit me.

Boobylicious hostess: We’ve always wondered what you were into.

Luke:  Wait a second.  Are you the one that humiliated Carlene in church about owning this place?  You almost destroyed my sister’s reputation.

Amanda: That’s me.

Luke:  I love you.

Luke [to Amanda while dancing]:  Remember, I’m amazing. [You be my Louisiana, I’ll be your Mississippi, being sung in the background.  Great song.  Great placement.]

Burl:  I’ve done a lot of things with the lights off, but rarely dinner.  Look, look.  There, a full moon I ordered up for you.  Come on out here.

Gigi:  Put that on.

Burl:  You are crazier than a pet squirrel.

Gigi:  Don’t make fun of me.  If anybody was to see us, it would be very bad.

Carlene [on phone with Cricket while she spies on Gigi’s house]:  . . . I’m getting my night vision rifle scope.

Cricket:  . . . Role playing.  Red riding hood.  I know that game.

Carlene:  . . . Amanda Vaughn’s got her forked tongue down my baby brother’s throat.

Cricket:  . . . . Pull up your big girl panties. . . .

Carlene:  You’re right.  I am head of neighborhood watch.

Gigi:  Well, so much for keeping this a secret.

Burl:  Wouldn’t have happened if we were making out under the Eiffel Tower.

Burl [to Luke]:  My heart’s good right now.  Beating real fast. [He elbows Gigi who elbows him back.]

Gigi:  Don’t you dare judge me, missy (with leaves stuck to the back of her red cloak).  I find your behavior appalling.  You end an evening with a gorgeous man with a handshake? What is wrong with you?

Amanda:  Did we just have terrific evenings with really great guys?  . . . We need to celebrate.

Gigi:  Damn straight.  Why the hell don’t you drink?

Sharon:  This is Zach’s mess and he can clean it up.

Carlene [to Amanda on the phone]: Blackmail isn’t even mentioned in Proverbs 6.  But this isn't even blackmail.

Amanda:  Wow.  I’m not sure Burl should see you looking so fine.  He’s got a heart condition, you know.

Gigi:  It doesn’t hurt to raise a man’s heart rate a little bit.

Amanda:  Some solar panels at his wind farm, they’re not working.

Gigi:  Probably because it’s night. . . .  Has he hurt you already? . . . I can’t go out unescorted with a recent widower.  How would that look?

Amanda:  To make the spinster daughter be the chaperone?  What does that look like?

Gigi:  Love and support. Go get dressed. The invitation said casual.  Which means simple and tasteful.  No diamonds bigger than your head.

Carlene (and Cricket):  Heather.  Cute, in-over-your-head Heather.  We just want you to know that we forgive you for your bizarre reverse decision to ban us from the stage.

Cricket [to Heather]: I mean, how much longer can that voice [of Carlene’s] last?

[Sheryl Crow performing!]

Zach [to Pastor Tudor about Sharon]:  Can you turn her around and head her back home?

Sharon:  Zach!  You thought I was attracted to the pastor?  Ooh, I can’t believe you.  That is just so wrong.  Talk about your HOV lane to hell.  I mean, no one, no one, should ever, ever be attracted to a minister.

Pastor Tudor:  Well, I hope that’s not the case.

Andrew:  Did you try the truffled crab cakes?

Heather:  Do I look like I eat?

Gigi [to Carlene]:  I smell a big ole outhouse rat.

Gigi [to Amanda]:  I know that look in your eye.  The one when you’re happy?  Hadn’t seen that lately.  But I saw it when you were with him. . . . . [Carlene's blackmail scheme] if you dumped the brother she doesn’t want you dating. . . . But, by God, I think we can both have our beefcake and eat it too.

Gigi’s announcement:  There’s a time for rules and manners.  But there’s also a time to be honest and just grab the bull by the horns and do what you want to do, no matter what people might think.  Now, well now is one of those times [and kisses Burl in front of the fundraising crowd at church].

Sharon [to Zach in front of their kids]:  I think it’s time for bed.  [Both kids slink away.]

Amanda:  I know this was a bumpy start.  And we don’t even live in the same city.  But is there a chance we could just try this again?

Luke:  Sure.  Hey, you might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  Can’t pass that up.

Amanda:  I’m kinda amazing, too.

Luke:  I never settle for anything less.

More GCB Quotes from Episode Three, “Love Is Patient”

I love this show and watch it repeatedly courtesy of Hulu.com.  Therefore, I have a good chance to write down funny lines, or even wise ones, from each airing.

Here’s the batch from the GCB Episode Three called “Love is Patient.”

* * *

Ripp:  I don’t get it.  This [impotency] never happened to me before.  Except for this morning and last night and lunchtime yesterday.

Carlene:  It’s fine, Ripp.  I’m not in the mood anyways.

Ripp:  I know you, Carlene.  If you’re awake, you’re in the mood.  Heck, you’re in the mood if you’re sound asleep.

Ripp (to accountant on phone):  I’m getting tired of waiting.  And you don’t wanna see this oil man blow.

Gigi:  Now listen, Amanda.  I’ve come to terms with your job [at Boobylicious].  I’ve even come to love jalapeno poppers.  But there is no way you’re going to find Mr. Right showing your pretties at Boobylicious....

Amanda: ...Bill hasn’t been dead a year.  There’s a period of respect.

Gigi:  But your husband was a criminal and an adulterer and, down here in Texas, that means you can get back in the saddle just a little sooner.  Jason, Beau, come meet Amanda. ...Jason is in oil.  And Beau is in oil.

Amanda:  What a surprise.

Cricket (to Carlene on the phone): The way you talk, Ripp knocks the nickels out of you every ten minutes.  [This one deserves its own spotlight, but is part of the next one too.]

Cricket (to Carlene on the phone):  Talk fast.  I’m on the reformer....The way you talk, Ripp knocks the nickels out of you every ten minutes....Gotta go, I’ve got to work on my neutral pelvis [with instructor Lance who then proclaims his engagement to be married, which also involves moving to Waco].

Cricket (calling her office, having sent Lance out of the room to get a smoothie for her): Find out where Lance and Kiki (phonetically spelled here) are registered.  Buy them a fabulous wedding gift.  And there’s a chain of fitness centers called Waco Workouts.  Buy them.  Tear them down.  Any calls?

Carlene (to Cricket who has been talking with Sharon about renewing her physical fitness class with a former instructor): You can’t let your physical well-being slip through those cracks.  [Wonderful scene with Carlene pointing a couple times at Cricket’s head.]

Sharon (to Pastor):  Well, after your homily on volunteerism, the ladies [Cricket and Carlene] and I decided to roll on up our sleeves and drive Juan, Valenciano [spelled phonetically here] and Jorge right on down here.

Carlene (with Cricket speaking to Sharon here about her husband, Zach, and Amanda): I give unto you power to tread onto serpents and scorpions.

Cricket:  [stuttering] I don’t remember the exact verse but the Bible is just full of that kind of whoop ass.

Amanda:  Look, Sharon.  I’m not your problem.  Your husband is.  So you need to take it up with him.

. . .

Sharon:  Marriage is a sacred institution and I will not be taken down by a fallen woman.

Waitress:  Booby basket! [Then slides down the fireman’s pole, knocking into Sharon—who indeed was “taken down by a ‘falling’ woman.”  HA!]

Amanda (to her mother and pastor):  Fur for the homeless?

Gigi:  It gets chilly under those overpasses.

Ripp:  ...Name some happy couples [in the Bible.]

Carlene:  Well, there was Mary and Joseph.  Once they worked through that whole Immaculate Conception thing.

[The full scene with the telephone conversation between Sharon and Bethany Mae (spelled phonetically here) at the Texas Chili Council’s culinary hotline is HILARIOUS!  You need to watch it to get the full effect.  Here’s just a portion.]

Sharon:  Should I tell my husband I know he kissed another woman?

Bethany Mae:  Absolutely.

Sharon:  ...But I’m scared.

Bethany Mae:  Woman, you are cooking with one of the hottest chili peppers known to man.  Stop whining and yank that man’s chain.

Amanda (as Heather parks at church for an evening with the singles group):  I thought we were getting mani-pedis.

Heather:  I lied.  You look great.  Get out of the car.

Cricket (to her husband, Blake):  That’s the last time we volunteer to be a happily married couple.  The singles here are creepy.

Blake (to his wife, Cricket):  Carlene has enough tongue for ten rows of teeth and she’s gonna be wagging it [his secret] all over town.

Andrew:  Hey, Amanda.  Does ‘control freak/nitpicker’ have a hyphen?

Ripp interjects:  No.

Carlene (to Cricket):  Well, I asked Victor [at the dojo] to give me your same workout and he tried to touch my tae kwon do.

Cricket:  ...Carlene, stop projecting sin onto others....fix your own marriage.  Leave mine alone.

Blake:  I’m sorry.  You deserve a man who can give you everything.  Not slap you on the wrist for wanting more.

Cricket:  No marriage’s perfect....No man, including my father, ever loved me for who I am.  Except for you.

Carlene:  Sex is the glue that holds a marriage together....

Ripp:  ...It’s not you....It’s Bill Vaughn....[he stole from me]

Carlene:  Are we poor?

Ripp:  No, darling.  We’re still very, very rich.  Just not very, very, very rich.

Gigi:  What the heck is that?

Amanda (with a piñata shaped like a boy/man that she’s filled with slips of paper upon which she wrote all she’d like to say to her deceased cheating husband):  This is Bill.  Sort of.  By smashing it, it’s supposed to set me free from him.

Gigi:  I’ll get my putter. [Coming back with the golf club] I’d like to take a swing at Bill.

Carlene (to Ripp, discussing Amanda and Bill, reading Amanda’s slips in the real piñata that was hers): ...Well, my stars and garters.

* * *

Again, this post contains some of my favorite lines from this episode of GCB.  What was yours?