GCB Quotes from Episode Seven, “Sex is Divine”

As if you can’t tell already how enamored I am with this TV series on ABC, based on Kim Gatlin’s book, let me point out the perfection of the title--diamonds and gold, with the C shaped like a horseshoe.  I love the white hat, the white dress, both denoting purity, with all the bling that connotes Dallas wealth.

The theme song and the music tracks are wonderfully apropos.  Truly well matched.

Now for my favorite lines from Episode Seven:

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Drunk:  Twin Peaks is giving us attitude.

Amanda [yanking down the big drunk]:  Her name is Sapphire.  What she’ll give you is your check.  Good night.

Drunk:  You ain’t getting no tip.

Amanda:  Oh, honey.  Your butt headed out the door is gratuity enough.

Ripp:  Way to take ‘em down, Amanda.

Amanda:  Well, every now and then, you gotta bust some balls. . . .

Pastor Tudor:  . . . Jesus threw out thieves and robbers.  Sometimes you gotta cleanse the temple.

Ripp:  If you’ll excuse me.  I gotta see a man about a horse.

Amanda:  Well, you know where it is.

Ripp:  No, I mean, I gotta talk to Bubba Richardson about buying his horse.

[Luke with Amanda on his couch, kissing.]

Carlene:  Hey, hey, hey.  I’ve been noticing how dark it is down here in the guest house and I’ve been meaning to bring this lamp so you can have more light for reading and . . . well-lit activities.

Luke:  Sis, got company.

Carlene:  I know that, silly.  My security cameras don’t miss a thing.  Got to watch out for unwelcome intruders.  Barn door’s open.

Amanda:  Okay, to be continued.  Carlene, as always.

Carlene:  Oh, was I . . . did y’all . . . ?

Blake [during interview of potential surrogate mother]:  We are not infertile.

Cricket:  I am just not in a position to give up alcohol, sushi or grabbing Stimulus Dollars for nine months.  You’ve got to be on your toes for that one. . . .

Blake:  We might have to go outside Texas.

Cricket:  No.  We agreed we would not lower our standards.

[This scene with Sharon and Zach in the kitchen is so cute.  Sharon’s lost weight and can’t get his attention to look at her no matter what she does.]

Zach:  Did you know that Blake only eats egg whites ever?

Sharon:  Oh poor Cricket.  All those yolks gone to waste. . . .  Zach Peacham, you notice my jeans right now. . . . I haven’t been able to fit into these bad girls for five years. And I owe it all to the Holy Word.  . . . Fish, lemon grilled.  Only breakfast food mentioned in the scriptures.  . . . This book, Foods of the Bible.  The Holy Land was filled with high fiber and low carb, but you have to be careful of New Testament entrees.  They break a lot of bread. . . .

Zach:  What did they eat for dessert?

Amanda:  Nothing good.  So what I’ve done is I’ve put a sweet Bible verse in each basket.  Gen. 9:3.  Every moving thing that liveth shall be food for you.

Amanda:  Hey, I worked Boobylicious after the Texas-OU game.  Nothing scares me.

Pastor Tudor:  I served eighteen months in Iraq.  Some of the ladies around here do.  [In walks in Sharon, Cricket and Carlene.]

Carlene:  Amanda, Amanda, Amanda.  I just keep walking in on you in the most unnatural situations.

Cricket:  Getting pregnant would be part of the [unwed mothers’] program.

Amanda:  That makes no sense, Cricket.

Cricket:  It makes sense to Blake and me and we’re writing the check.

Amanda:  Carlene, you know how many laws you’d be breaking selling apartments only to Christians?

Carlene:  Not in Mexico.  Stay in your lane, sweetie.

Pastor Tudor [his sermon for the adults-only congregation]: . . . This message is adults only. . . .  Sex . . . is . . . divine.  . . . Sex is a gift from God.  He created it to strengthen the union between two people who love each other.  To increase their intimacy.  Improve their communication.  . . . Are we making the best use of God’s gift?  . . . For all you committed couples out there.  Everyone here is an adult.  You can determine if this exercise is for you.  Here’s my assignment.  From today ‘til next Sunday, I’m challenging you all to have sex with your partner once a day, every single day.  Touch each other.  Look into each other’s eyes, souls.  Truly share one another and let’s see what happens.  [And can I have an Amen here!]

Luke [to Amanda]:  Slow down there, land speed.

Blake:  I realized there is only one woman that’s good enough to carry our progeny.

Cricket:  Taylor Swift is not from Texas.

Blake:  . . . Why outsource when we can go in-house?

Laura Vaughn:  I don’t know why everybody’s weirding out.  Who cares how many times married people do it?

Landry Cockburn:  Well, is it just old people?

Burl:  You don’t think the leather floors are too much?

Gigi:  For a man with stingray hide on the walls of his yacht?

Burl:  Heather’s right.  When you find what you want, you have got to jump.  [on his knee now]

Gigi:  Jumping’s the other way.  You’ve dropped down.

Burl:  Marry me, Gigi.

Zach [to Sharon in bed]:  Well, uh, sometimes when, when things are slow at work, I . . . watch movies that are . . . kinda dull.  Things have been really slow lately.

[This next scene with Blake and Cricket in the bedroom about to make their own baby, with the lyrics “Hey, babe, what you say?  Let’s go down and roll in the hay” singing in the background is funny! Like a couple on a first date, instead of married for years.  Role reversal in play.  Great communication.  Lots of giggling from both parties.]

Cricket:  You know, this sports metaphor is kinda doing it for me.  You want to kick off or should I?

Blake:  . . . There ain’t going to be any dancing in the end zone tonight.

Amanda:  Burl proposed?  What did you say?

Gigi:  I said get up off your knee before you hurt yourself.   Then I said I’d have to think about it.  [Hands Amanda an alcoholic drink.]

Amanda [setting aside the alcohol with a frown]:  Oh, Mama.  Burl is crazy about you.  And you are crazy about him. Why didn’t you just say yes?

Gigi:  I have been not married as long as I was married.  I like not married just fine.  I’m not going to rush into anything again just because some man hands me something sparkly.

Amanda:  Okay.  Well, maybe it is a little fast.  But you two both love each other.  Why do you have to beat around the bush?

Gigi:  I just don’t like feeling pressured to make big decisions.  I don’t even buy a car without a test drive.  Especially a stick shift.

Amanda:  Mother!

Gigi:  What?  It’s an important part of any relationship.  I’m just taking my cues from the pastor.  You can thank him tomorrow for inspiring me.

[Watch Zach and Sharon’s facial expressions during this scene.]

Zach:  Do you think I’m fat?  . . . It’s weird.  I keep wanting to talk after sex.  It’s like I’m turning into a . . . woman.

Sharon:  No.  It’s beautiful.

Zach:  Really?

[Leave it to Carlene . . . ]

Landry:  As a Purity Pioneer, I make a commitment to God [while leering at Amanda’s breasts], to myself, to my family, to my friends . . .

Alexandra:  To my future mate and my future children, to a lifetime of purity [as she gazes lustfully at Bozeman].

Bozeman:  I will refrain from fantasizing, talking about or having sexual intercourse [looking upon smiling Alexandra] from this day on until the day I marry.

McKinney:  Or a thousand years from now, whichever comes first.

Amanda [to Carlene]:  Seriously?  A thousand years?

Carlene:  Science is very advanced these days.  If you believe in that kind of thing.

Amanda:  . . . I don’t hate purity. . . . You’ll have to pretend sex doesn’t exist somewhere else.

[I love this next scene with Sharon and Zach re-enacting parts from a porn movie with Sharon as an archaeologist.  Sharon is one great comedian.  And using Zach’s postcoital openness to ask for an outdoor pizza oven backfires on her here.]

Cricket:  Let’s take these babies and make us some babies.  . . . .[After taking an expensive herbal mixture meant to increase libido, but instead they keep sweating, can’t get comfortable].   . . . If this is what it takes for pandas to hump, no wonder they are almost extinct. . . . . I do NOT feel sexy.

[Gigi in a negligee is “beautiful” like Burl says.]

Gigi:  . . . And never say the word grandkids to a welcoming woman in a negligee. . . .

Burl:  . . . I believe what we could have . . . belongs in a marriage. . . .

Gigi:  And I think you should get up here right now before I change my mind.  What’s the worst thing that could happen?  [Burl collapses and is taken to the hospital in an ambulance.]

Amanda [to Laura]:  I don’t mind abstinence.  It just has to go hand-in-hand with education.  Carlene’s organization isn’t interested in that.

Burl:  I had a glitch in my pacemaker.  The doctors give it a twist or a jolt, or whatever they do, and I’m fine. . . . It’s a pity yes. . . . Just the other day it was:  I need more time.  You know when I say that, Gigi? During business negotiations, when I have respect for my opponent but not the deal.  Means no. . . . .  You’re here worried about my heart and you don’t even know your own.  The proposal’s off the table.

Gigi:  . . . But there’s only one me.

Amanda:  Let me get this straight.  You are trying to scare our children into being celibate? . . .  Carlene, all you’re doing here is demonizing sex.  Making it out to be something horrible.  And dirty.  Why can’t we just be honest with them about how to prevent these things?

Carlene:  Oh, Amanda, sweet Amanda.  This is America.  Fear works better.

[Excellent church scene where Amanda and Carlene discuss their kids making out and Carlene confesses her sins.]

Amanda:  I’m so sick of you saying I’m a fallen woman.  Do you want to know what?  I’ve only had sex with one man, my husband, Bill.

Carlene: . . . I guess I misjudged you.  Maybe it’s the way you dress.

Burl:  You think I go running around willy-nilly asking women to marry me?  Hmm?  It’s not something I take lightly. . . .

Gigi:  I love ya. . . . So here’s how it’s gonna work.  At your discretion, you are going to ask me to marry you, again.  This time I will say yes, without hesitation and not out of pity, because I know a perfect thing when I see it.

Burl:  Fine.  I returned the ring.

Gigi:  Fine.  We’ll go up a carat.  [Both laughing.]  Now how about that hanky-panky?

Burl:  You’re on.

[Oooh, Kristin Chenoweth as Carlene should get an Emmy for her sex talk with Laura Vaughn.  That little bodily movement she added to the tale about the parking lot of the Burger Shack is so . . . vivid!  Of course, Amanda cannot have a sex talk with Landry Cockburn without a shotgun in hand seated among other firearms in her father’s gun room, right? This IS Texas.]

[Then what better to follow than . . . ]

Blake [to Cricket in bed]:   I . . . am . . . Spartacus.

Zach:  . . . And the raisin loaf is actually a satisfying dessert.

Sharon:  It’s what Abigail gave to David to appease his anger.

Luke [meeting Amanda at the Ritz]:  We can wait as long as you want.  Look, if all we do tonight is wear those comfy robes, order room service and watch pay-per-view, it’s fine with me.  You’re worth the wait.

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I’ll be posting soon more great one-liners from the remaining GCB Season One episodes.

Denise Barker

Author of Good Ole Boys, a love story
Freelance Copy Editor
Blogger

Re: GCB - Do You See the Calligraphy on the Wall?

I'm worried.

The season finale is airing this Sunday.  How long do I have to survive without GCB?

Plus what is Ripp up to?  Ever since the Ball where he introduced himself to Amanda, said he knew Bill, that cautionary red flag in my mind has been waving.  Soon afterward, it's been popping and snapping in a gale-force wind.

Remember Carlene stealing Amanda's computer?  Remember the accountant looking over Amanda's finances?  Remember the pinata stuffed with Amanda's "secrets" at the church singles group that Ripp and Carlene read?

And most recently, we found out last episode--as Ripp, Luke and Burl all outvoted Carlene's U.S.-based Christian Condo project--that they are all in "it"!

That's gonna mess up three couples!  Ripp and Carlene, because I figure Carlene has no idea Ripp's gone over to the dark side.  I get this feeling that Ripp's secret is he was a big, scheming, full-Ponzi partner with Bill.  If Burl and Luke are involved in the original thievery, that's just horrible.  And will break Gigi's and Amanda's hearts. (Mine, too.)

BUT . . . the way Ripp skedaddled away as Burl approached Carlene at Gigi's "Dress Like Your Favorite Texan" welcome home party for Burl (and Bitsy), I'm thinking Burl is there to fix the mess Ripp has gotten himself into.  And Luke is added manpower to watch that "she" who is in Juarez.  Whoever that is.

Is it Bill's lover--Amanda's now former best friend?  Did she survive the car accident and the fire?  Living off the money in Bill's vehicle while she looks for the rest?

And I'm loving seeing Cricket nicely unglued by a man--Mason Massey.  Another thing that'll probably be cut short as we await Season Two.

Although I'm convinced Blake and Cricket love each other very deeply, it is just sad to see a married woman doing without sex.  Even the Bible says that married couples shouldn't deny each other; after all, lovemaking both fulfills their marital duties to each other as well as aids in avoiding temptation outside the marriage bed.  Also spouses are further instructed that sex should only be postponed for prayer.  Amen.  See I Corinthians 7:4-5.

That concludes today's scripture lesson.

Oh, and did you also connect the homophone of "Lord" with "Lourd"? As in Ripp telling Carlene the "Lord" spoke to him?  Just saying . . .

Now, please, please, please tell me there will be a Season Two (and many more) of GCB!

More GCB Quotes from Episode Six, “Turn the Other Cheek”

This episode centers around Carlene and Ripp’s annual vow renewal to celebrate this year as they reach seventeen years of marriage.  Of course, it is over-the-top with the Gone with the Wind theme.  But at the end, when Carlene joins Ripp, standing in a very Rhett Butler-like pose at the altar, and share an intimate look, you can feel the depth of the true love they have for each other. 

We truly have some talented singers in this crew:  Kristin Chenoweth and Mariam Shor.

In this show, we see the vindictive side of Sharon as she takes her revenge on Amanda all because Carlene revoked Sharon’s matron of honor title.  Sharon “fails” to tell Amanda a few things.

The whole progression of Heather trying to win back her relationship with Carlene, Sharon and Cricket highlights the degree of dysfunctionality this group embraces.  Yet, I can understand how she would want them back.  Like the scene with her and Cricket in the woods, sharing an honest moment.

You have to watch Carlene after she’s shot.  The whole event is played to the hilt.  I especially like it when she fainted and pink feathers flutter up as she hits the floor.  What can I say?  I like the physical comedy stuff.

Gigi has some very illuminating facial expressions—able to tell a story with one look.  She’s so gifted.

Anyway, here’s a couple goodies that were not in my original post on this sixth episode.

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Cricket (to Heather, trying to get back in the group):  Talk is cheap, darling.  You can't just tell me you love me.  You're going to have to show me.

Amanda:  How do I know what the perfect song is [as they exchange renewal vows]?  I’m not inside Carlene’s head, thank goodness.

Luke:  How about Like a Virgin?  I Want Your Sex? . . . Come on.  You’re in the home stretch here, just push it over the finish line.

Amanda:  Sharon did do most of the heavy lifting.

Carlene:  Really, Heather?  I didn’t know you could major in medicine at real estate school.

Luke:  You want to see the Wailing Wall?  Don’t go to Jerusalem.  Just head on upstairs to the master suite.

Cricket (to Blake):  I am only afraid to have children without you.

More GCB Quotes from Episode Five, “Forbidden Fruit"

This episode is full of wonderfully written and acted parts.  The opener with Luke Lourde (played by Eric Winter) is a unique "meet cute."  Eric Winter is golden in my book.  All the scenes with Bozeman in it are hilarious.  When he joins in with his daddy to encourage Sharon to stay home and cook, it feels so real.  Especially with all the sibling scowling going on.  Bozeman working his charm on Cricket is amazingly honest from both parties.  The outdoor necking scene between Burl and Gigi—priceless.  I felt sorry for Pastor Tudor as Sharon smothered him and yet snickered when she talked too much about private church matters and laughed too loud at his jokes.

Carlene continues to play the wicked witch and yet somehow pulls it off while we still like her.  Well, part of her.

This one expires on Hulu.com in another four days, so I have to watch it over and over before it goes away.   

Here’s some great lines I missed in my first post on this episode.

* * *

Carlene:  Bravo, Heather.  Making all that commission from your relationship with your sweet, adorable Andrew.  You’re just a busy little beaver.

Sharon (calling Pastor on the phone):  Pastor Tudorrrrr (emphasis), Shar-or-ron (phonetically).  Great news.  My son, Bozeman, is home.  Unfortunately, I’m not going to be able to be with you tonight. . . . Well, praise the Lord right back atchya!

Zack (to Bozeman):  But you need to respect our rules.  And the female population.

GCB Quotes from Episode Five, "Forbidden Fruit"

My many thanks to Kim Gatlin for writing such an entertaining dramedy.  Continuing on with the collection of great one-liners (and one-paragraphers and so on), here are my picks from GCB Episode Five entitled "Forbidden Fruit":

Amanda:  You’re driving naked.

Luke:  Well, it’s not against the law.  I had my seat belt on. . . . Clearly I made a big impression.  Look, it’s not a habit.  I just spilled excruciatingly hot coffee in my lap earlier, so I was drying my clothes.  So you’re not my first accident today, but you are the prettiest. . . . I’m amazing.

Sharon [to Pastor Tudor]:  I’m having so much fun learning how to type. . . . I’m up to twelve words a minute.

Ripp:  Nothing quite says Welcome to Texas like a good clean kill shot [at a family-oriented boar hunt]. . . . We’ll smother them [Andrew’s company employees] with Christian fellowship.

Andrew: They’re not all Christians.

Carlene:  Not yet.

Burl [after kissing Gigi at his wife’s funeral]:  Heaven forgive me.

Gigi: Well, I may, but she won’t.  When you join her in Paradise, she’s gonna have your gumballs in her grips for Eternity.

Carlene:  Why are you wearing a choir robe [for Bitsy’s funeral]?

Luke:  Uhm, I lost my pants.

Amanda:  I have your pants.

Carlene:  Wait, just a darn minute.  Why do you have my little brother’s pants?

Luke:  The difference between me and my sister: she’s a judgmental piece of work and I’m just a piece of work.

Gigi:  When Bitsy left this mortal plane, she must have taken your sanity with her. . . . It’s too soon.  Dallas will talk.

Burl:  That’s why I’m taking you to France, darling.  Dallas can’t talk about things they can’t see. . . . Well, I’ve never, ever met a woman who’d turn down a trip to Paris.

Gigi:  Hello, my name is Gigi Stopper.  Nice to meet you.

Burl:  Oh, come on, Gigi. Your husband died eighteen years ago.

Gigi:  And your wife died eighteen seconds ago. . . . Even in second grade when you put the spider in my lunch box, I knew it was because you liked me.  I’m crazy about ya.  Always have been. . . . Come after sundown, under the cloak of darkness.

Cricket:  Sharon has informed us that Pastor Tudor has to drive all the way to the stadium for an intervention.

Pastor:  Sharon, my schedule’s confidential.

Sharon [climbing out from under the table by Pastor Tudor’s legs]:  Don’t worry, Pastor Tudor.  Nobody knows exactly who’s addicted.  It could be anyone on the team.

Cricket [to Carlene]:  Darling, I want you on that stage with me.  Can you play the tambourine?

Luke [carting a dolly full of wine crates]:  Can I come in?

Amanda:  What’s happening from the waist down?

Luke [showing his pants leg]:  I waited until you got home. I’ve been watching your house all morning.

Amanda:  Well, that’s not creepy at all.

Luke:  I’m staying at Carlene’s.

Amanda.  Woo!  I feel so much better now.

Luke:  Sweet.  You’re free tonight.

Amanda:  . . . I should probably think about this.

Luke:  Why?  You totaled my car.  You saw me naked.  I mean I think dinner’s the natural progression of things.  And, hey, there’s a chance that I might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.  Why miss out on that? . . . I’ll drive.

Carlene:  Amanda.  Sweet, cradle-robbing Amanda.  I have tried, unsuccessfully, to get Luke to explain to me why you have possession of his pants, and Ripp says that it is against the law to waterboard immediate family. . . .

Amanda:  In the words of another very famous witch, “You have no power here.”

Heather [to Andrew]: I need power. I’m trying to survive in Dallas. Power’s the social currency.

Zach [talking about son, Bozeman]:  Can’t blame the boy, Shar-bear.  He’s got lady-killing in his blood....

McKinney:  I for one don’t get it.

Sharon: Well, that’s good, sweetheart.  You’re his sister.

[McKinney and Bozeman sneering at each other.]

Boobylicious hostess:  Ooh.  Where did you find this one?

Amanda:  You wouldn’t believe it.

Luke:  I was naked and she hit me.

Boobylicious hostess: We’ve always wondered what you were into.

Luke:  Wait a second.  Are you the one that humiliated Carlene in church about owning this place?  You almost destroyed my sister’s reputation.

Amanda: That’s me.

Luke:  I love you.

Luke [to Amanda while dancing]:  Remember, I’m amazing. [You be my Louisiana, I’ll be your Mississippi, being sung in the background.  Great song.  Great placement.]

Burl:  I’ve done a lot of things with the lights off, but rarely dinner.  Look, look.  There, a full moon I ordered up for you.  Come on out here.

Gigi:  Put that on.

Burl:  You are crazier than a pet squirrel.

Gigi:  Don’t make fun of me.  If anybody was to see us, it would be very bad.

Carlene [on phone with Cricket while she spies on Gigi’s house]:  . . . I’m getting my night vision rifle scope.

Cricket:  . . . Role playing.  Red riding hood.  I know that game.

Carlene:  . . . Amanda Vaughn’s got her forked tongue down my baby brother’s throat.

Cricket:  . . . . Pull up your big girl panties. . . .

Carlene:  You’re right.  I am head of neighborhood watch.

Gigi:  Well, so much for keeping this a secret.

Burl:  Wouldn’t have happened if we were making out under the Eiffel Tower.

Burl [to Luke]:  My heart’s good right now.  Beating real fast. [He elbows Gigi who elbows him back.]

Gigi:  Don’t you dare judge me, missy (with leaves stuck to the back of her red cloak).  I find your behavior appalling.  You end an evening with a gorgeous man with a handshake? What is wrong with you?

Amanda:  Did we just have terrific evenings with really great guys?  . . . We need to celebrate.

Gigi:  Damn straight.  Why the hell don’t you drink?

Sharon:  This is Zach’s mess and he can clean it up.

Carlene [to Amanda on the phone]: Blackmail isn’t even mentioned in Proverbs 6.  But this isn't even blackmail.

Amanda:  Wow.  I’m not sure Burl should see you looking so fine.  He’s got a heart condition, you know.

Gigi:  It doesn’t hurt to raise a man’s heart rate a little bit.

Amanda:  Some solar panels at his wind farm, they’re not working.

Gigi:  Probably because it’s night. . . .  Has he hurt you already? . . . I can’t go out unescorted with a recent widower.  How would that look?

Amanda:  To make the spinster daughter be the chaperone?  What does that look like?

Gigi:  Love and support. Go get dressed. The invitation said casual.  Which means simple and tasteful.  No diamonds bigger than your head.

Carlene (and Cricket):  Heather.  Cute, in-over-your-head Heather.  We just want you to know that we forgive you for your bizarre reverse decision to ban us from the stage.

Cricket [to Heather]: I mean, how much longer can that voice [of Carlene’s] last?

[Sheryl Crow performing!]

Zach [to Pastor Tudor about Sharon]:  Can you turn her around and head her back home?

Sharon:  Zach!  You thought I was attracted to the pastor?  Ooh, I can’t believe you.  That is just so wrong.  Talk about your HOV lane to hell.  I mean, no one, no one, should ever, ever be attracted to a minister.

Pastor Tudor:  Well, I hope that’s not the case.

Andrew:  Did you try the truffled crab cakes?

Heather:  Do I look like I eat?

Gigi [to Carlene]:  I smell a big ole outhouse rat.

Gigi [to Amanda]:  I know that look in your eye.  The one when you’re happy?  Hadn’t seen that lately.  But I saw it when you were with him. . . . . [Carlene's blackmail scheme] if you dumped the brother she doesn’t want you dating. . . . But, by God, I think we can both have our beefcake and eat it too.

Gigi’s announcement:  There’s a time for rules and manners.  But there’s also a time to be honest and just grab the bull by the horns and do what you want to do, no matter what people might think.  Now, well now is one of those times [and kisses Burl in front of the fundraising crowd at church].

Sharon [to Zach in front of their kids]:  I think it’s time for bed.  [Both kids slink away.]

Amanda:  I know this was a bumpy start.  And we don’t even live in the same city.  But is there a chance we could just try this again?

Luke:  Sure.  Hey, you might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to me.  Can’t pass that up.

Amanda:  I’m kinda amazing, too.

Luke:  I never settle for anything less.